I hope that this will get me jump started on getting back into the habit. I need to stop "saving the good stuff for when I have time to flesh it out" and just use this like I used to, to capture moments and let me see the thread of my own thinking and memory.
My birthday is coming up, and with it, Laura's birthday. musicandmisery is my LJ friend who died last year, and this is the first time our shared birthday is just me. I had a moment today where I saw something that was at first beautiful and magical, and then I realized it could be a trick, but I loved it anyway, so I reblogged it on tumblr with the phrase "I want to believe" which I know of because I watched 8 seasons of x-files as a way to learn Laura. I thought that Laura would like the post and then realized that ze wouldn't see it, or at least I wouldn't know, and I cried at all the opportunities I thought I'd have time for but didn't. I would have gone to see zir if I had known there was danger of zir death; come hell or high water I would have found a way. but now I don't ever have the chance to hug, to cuddle, to kiss maybe (I always crushed on zir and I think there was some reciprocation). I don't have the chance to get to know zir more- I thought there would be more time, I thought we had many years to grow closer. I feel like Laura taught me a lot in our years of indirect communication (we never had a real-time conversation, just messages and comments) and I'm still learning. I feel like I had this epiphany about what Laura loved and why in that moment of thinking "I want to believe" but I can't ask. am I embellishing or still learning? I want to believe that I am still learning.
I love you Laura. I'm sorry I didn't take more actions to show it. I miss you.