November 2018
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switching psychiatrists to my dismay; worried I won't be heard or properly treated.

Apparently my psychiatrist (the one I trusted to listen to me) is not working at my school anymore so the office asked if I'd like to meet with another person. This other person I met with once and ze wanted me to be on citalopram for literally the rest of my life. Well, no, ain't happenin. Citalopram helped when I was in a lot of pain, but once I had a chance to heal, the dampening of all my emotions started to make me feel depressed, so that would be incredibly counterproductive. I know that I am not currently depressed and I don't have anxiety, and I am worried that they're going to try to put me on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. I have been having these... episodes, for lack of a better term, when I try to focus and all of my usual methods don't work. That makes me feel like I am stuck and have no control over my brain. The only way it goes away is when I find a distraction that works, which so far is either an unavoidable appointment or cuddles. And when I am in that stuck can't-focus, I get really upset. I cry and pant and scream, interspersed with trying to distract myself. I feel super depressed and anxious then, especially if I have an assignment I've been trying to do for 6+ hours without managing it (eventually the panic and fear gives enough adrenaline to get me through but it's deeply horrible). And I know that these are the breaking points of daily wear. It takes massive effort of will to do something even when I really really want to do it. I know, KNOW that what I need is an ADD med; a low daily dose would do fine, or even taken as-needed for those times when I can't use caffeine and music and etc to make myself focus. But I have to go jump through hoops to get a brain that works like normal people's. It's so deeply upsetting to me that someone else gets to make my brain chemistry decisions for me. But the worst that can happen is they prescribe me something that is inappropriate, and if so I just won't get it.

In other news, ugh, today. School then 45 minutes driving then work then 45 minutes driving then school then 45 minutes driving home. I feel exhausted and also like I did hardly anything. But I also read all my assigned reading before class so good job me. It made me feel really good to be productive. But then I got home and was too tired to use the momentum :-{


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rainbowfox9 ══╣╠══
I think I might die if I had to use that much energy to get stuff done, even stuff that wasn't required. Gods. When I talked to my psychiatrist about getting off the medication I was on, she didn't ever say that that was a great idea or that she'd love to help me, but there was some 'give' in her presence, like she also didn't say, "oh no, we can't do that," or, "I'm not comfortable doing that with you," but it had to be my initiation, and we've been ultra conservative and taking me off super slowly.

My point is that it is completely fair for you to ask or even state that you want to get off it or it be a temporary thing (and explain what happened and how it affected you and now you're not on it), but it is possible you will be met with some resistance. I don't know this particular psychiatrist so I have no idea what their idea about medications is -- mine is super alternative -- but seriously, stand your ground and fight for what you want or think you need.

Also, medications don't work the same way on everyone. You got off this one and you're doing ok, I mean, just tell them your experience.

I hope things smooth out for you.
blimeyzawn1 ══╣╠══
First of all, consider this a big virtual hug. I went through this about 10 years ago, and my husband just recently finished getting off of the medication merry-go-round. I know how it goes. And it's profoundly terrible.

It sounds to me like you have ADD, which can cause both depression and anxiety. Not trying to diagnose you via computer, just trying to offer some insight from someone who's been there. Hubby had the exact same symptoms you're experiencing, and it took two years to get the right medication. Finally, when placed on a low-dose stimulant, it all went away -- almost like magic. He tried ritalin and adderall, and found that they made him extremely anxious and almost manic. For him, it was Vyvanse that did the trick.

I strongly recommend you read up on medications before your next appointment to get an idea of what will work for you. Psychiatrists are in the business of prescribing medication, yes, but they all have their favorite meds. Which means you'll probably get the medication they put everyone on first. If it's the wrong one for you, you won't see results. So I'd go in ready to itemize your specific symptoms and show how a stimulant could help.

And remember, you have an absolute right -- legally, ethically, whatever -- to shape your own path regarding medication and care. You're allowed to say you don't want a drug. You're allowed to request a different drug. Don't tolerate any BS from any treatment provider who tells you otherwise. You deserve better than that, but you have to go in prepared to assert yourself.

So sorry you're dealing with this. There really is hope on the other side, though, and it doesn't mean you have to be on meds the rest of your life.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.