Apparently my psychiatrist (the one I trusted to listen to me) is not working at my school anymore so the office asked if I'd like to meet with another person. This other person I met with once and ze wanted me to be on citalopram for literally the rest of my life. Well, no, ain't happenin. Citalopram helped when I was in a lot of pain, but once I had a chance to heal, the dampening of all my emotions started to make me feel depressed, so that would be incredibly counterproductive. I know that I am not currently depressed and I don't have anxiety, and I am worried that they're going to try to put me on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. I have been having these... episodes, for lack of a better term, when I try to focus and all of my usual methods don't work. That makes me feel like I am stuck and have no control over my brain. The only way it goes away is when I find a distraction that works, which so far is either an unavoidable appointment or cuddles. And when I am in that stuck can't-focus, I get really upset. I cry and pant and scream, interspersed with trying to distract myself. I feel super depressed and anxious then, especially if I have an assignment I've been trying to do for 6+ hours without managing it (eventually the panic and fear gives enough adrenaline to get me through but it's deeply horrible). And I know that these are the breaking points of daily wear. It takes massive effort of will to do something even when I really really want to do it. I know, KNOW that what I need is an ADD med; a low daily dose would do fine, or even taken as-needed for those times when I can't use caffeine and music and etc to make myself focus. But I have to go jump through hoops to get a brain that works like normal people's. It's so deeply upsetting to me that someone else gets to make my brain chemistry decisions for me. But the worst that can happen is they prescribe me something that is inappropriate, and if so I just won't get it.

In other news, ugh, today. School then 45 minutes driving then work then 45 minutes driving then school then 45 minutes driving home. I feel exhausted and also like I did hardly anything. But I also read all my assigned reading before class so good job me. It made me feel really good to be productive. But then I got home and was too tired to use the momentum :-{