So yesterday was my birthday 'party' which was fun but not a party (in my mind a party needs at least 6 people). Beforehand I worked from 8 to 3, drove home, napped, and then Topaz helped me tidy and clean and we just continued until Allison arrived. Camellia also came by, but was clearly exhausted and couldn't stay long, so the evening was me and Topaz and Allison talking about art and sexism and war and college and books, while Topaz drank whiskey and I drank damiana liquor (which was slow to get me drunk but a garrulous and happy spirit that I much enjoyed). It was not what I expected but it was really lovely; I was exhausted and while I wanted to see my people, I was dreading the arrival of anyone who would want to be entertained. Allison is not a spectator but very much a participation-oriented person so I feel like I can just be myself and if I'm boring, Allison will find a way to entertain zirself.

I didn't really think about this much before but I think some people are used to gatherings being full of distractions like TV and even if I had one, I would never have it on at a gathering unless the intent was to watch a particular show/film together. I can't stand to have stuff with words playing in the background: it splits my focus so that I cannot be involved in anything. Speaking more broadly, I find 'on in the background' to be counterproductive because I want my gatherings to be centered around community. Also, I consider absorbing media without conscious choice to be like sending out an open invitation on craigslist: you might be okay but you might also be bringing some scary shit in.

I feel pretty content about the fact that though so many people who said yes or maybe didn't show, I didn't feel slighted or upset about it. I felt a little worried that Allison or Camellia would judge me or feel awkward, but I knew that was an illogical fear and it passed pretty quickly.