January 2019
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psychiatric appt: yep I have ADD but no help so far

Today's been a fuckshit of a day. Had a psychiatrist appointment where ze was like "yeah you've got ADD but the meds that would help are a controlled substance so you have to either pay hundreds of dollars for testing or go to a non-school psychiatrist (which is also expensive shit). Also there is a med I can prescribe you but I want to be sure you're at your wits end so go read these four books about coping with ADD and come back and we can discuss meds." Then I sighed and ze asked if I was sighing with relief or frustration and I tried to say frustration and started crying (ugh), and explained that I'd been saying "I can deal, I don't need meds" for ages and when I finally get to the point where I can't deal anymore, meds are out of reach. Ze seemed a little more sympathetic then but not any more helpful, and said stuff that implied that if my life was falling apart, like failing classes, then she'd suggest meds. I don't want to have to fail before I get help!  I fuckin know my limits and I'm pressing up against them. Ugh. The biggest problem is that when I can't focus enough to do things that make me want to live life, like art and conversation, then I get depressed. I can always make myself do the things I have to do, even when I'm depressed, but forcing myself to do stuff when I am depressed makes me dangerously low. Its a terrible cycle and I don't need a lot of help, just a little, to keep the cycle from starting.

Do not give me advice. I had enough of that today and I already know all this shit, I've been living with it for my whole life. Its just gotten worse, chemically, maybe because of that hormonal birth control, maybe just age, I dunno.

Anyway, later I was writing on something important to me, and I got interrupted, and I just started crying because I was terribly afraid I wouldn't be able to start again.  Some things I've wanted to write on for literally YEARS and I got started on one and it was such a huge accomplishment, and I felt relief yesterday. But then it was harder today and I was swamped with sorrow and fear because the threat of having to deal with my toddler of a brain with no help, just hoping I can get it to behave, is crushing.

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ladywind ══╣Bear╠══
~quiet offer of hug, and hug if wanted~
a swamp a heart a struggle
midwinter ══╣a swamp a heart a struggle╠══
I am sorry. That is extremely frustrating.
countessdeweird ══╣╠══
I have been in a similar position with ADD meds in the past. You have my sympathy and my support. If you ever want to ask me about it, I am happy to discuss my history with diagnosis, medications, side effects, etc.

Good luck!
sabr : autumn
sabr ══╣sabr : autumn╠══
I had some of my own experiences with struggling to get medications that I once needed, and while I don't want to offer unsolicited advice, if you ever want to talk to me, I would be more than happy to share my experience.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you, and I know it is so so frustrating.
callmebee ══╣╠══
My partner is in the exact same boat. It's really difficult to deal with sometimes. ADD is one of those mental illness that is so misunderstood. I've advocated for meds for my partner for so long, but doctors just don't want to deal with it. It drives me nuts.

Anyway. All I'm really trying to say is that I feel for you. We hardly know each other, but on some peripheral level we are connected, so this is me letting you know that someone far away is sending you positive energy and support.
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
I hope you can get the help you need. You shouldn't have to hit rock bottom to get assistance. :-( You know yourself and your limits, and they should take you seriously.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.