Belenen (belenen) wrote,

prompt 30: how I do energy work / energy play

prosphoros prompted me to write about how I do energy work/play.

I learned intuitively for the most part, by simply experimenting. The first time I experienced energy work in a deliberate, significant way (I'd tried little bits before), it was when Kylei had an interaction with a person who formed a negative energy connection. When Kylei first texted me that ze was meeting up with Aperson to hang out and perhaps fuck, I felt a STRONG sense of panic, but I assumed that was just because it was the first time ze'd ever planned a date with someone without mentioning it to me first. But I felt very edgy all day (that was when I forgot my phone on the roof and broke it). They hung out for a while and then came over to the house. At this point Aperson interacted with me a little and it set off alarms but I thought I was just reacting to the stress of my long day, so I decided to lay down and then I had an emotional breakdown. Kylei came in and out of the bedroom, sorta trying to comfort me and also fretting about being rude to new people. Finally Aperson left and Kylei and I had a sort of fight, with me feeling so awful and not really understanding why. Then Kylei mentioned that ze'd been finished with the flirting/sexual-energy-exchange but Aperson had pushed for more, and then I realized all of the red flags I'd been ignoring -- like Aperson using sex as a control thing (teasing not for the fun of it but to put zirself in the position of having-and-not-giving), and taking intimacies that weren't offered (ze put on Kylei's favorite skirt without asking, and then wouldn't take it off when ze was going to leave until Kylei REALLY insisted) and using them to force connection, and then sending Kylei texts that were emotionally manipulative. This made me profoundly uncomfortable because I felt that ze was damaging Kylei and had already damaged zir (Kylei felt violated because he'd wanted Aperson to stop but hadn't been able to flat out say it and Aperson had ignored zir nonverbal signals). Kylei was upset with the whole situation and could not handle touch, which I found really painful. The next day we woke up to Aperson texting Kylei (they were supposed to go out that night) and Kylei said that ze might be up for meeting zir but wasn't up for sex and Aperson responded in a way that wasn't respectful at all, but pushy. As the day went on Aperson kept contacting Kylei and Kylei told Aperson that ze triggered Kylei and Aperson 'sympathized' and then pushed for what ze wanted anyway, and Kylei got increasingly more uncomfortable and finally told Aperson that ze wasn't going to meet up. Then Aperson told Kylei that ze lost zir job that day and might get kicked out of zir house. All of this was the outward manifestations of Aperson's energetic leeching. My interpretation is that ze had created a sort of energetic connection with Kylei that pulled energy, and Kylei felt the connection as an intimacy (which it was, though not consensual) and later also as a drain / bad resonance, but ze felt like this had been a chance for something good and didn't want to give up the chance. Kylei finally decided that ze did not want to be in contact with Aperson for a while at least, but Aperson felt like a wall between us. We went out because the house felt tainted and we needed to stop focusing on the Aperson thing, and we were busy until the next night, when it finally occurred to me to do an energy cleansing. Until that point I'd felt such horrid energy attached to Kylei that I'd stopped wanting sex and was really worried that I wouldn't want it again or feel able to reconnect for a long time, and then I did the energy cleansing and removed the attachments Aperson had put in and the leftovers from contact, and later Kylei did me, and it was that energy that had felt dirty/gross and made me feel like I couldn't connect with Kylei without also connecting with Aperson. Aperson continued texting and calling every day for like five days, pushing Kylei to be in contact, but after the energy cleansing Kylei was able to look at the behavior and let go. It was such a sharp difference.

On Kylei I felt a heavy weight on zir left ankle, and more bad energy on zir knee and crotch -- and a deep thorn in zir throat. Ze found something in my right hip and a parasitic thing on my right wrist that was wrapped around and inside. Which makes sense since the right side is the giving side and the left is the receiving, and the effects of our damage was that I not able to give touch and Kylei was not able to receive. I think also ze had silenced Kylei (the thorn in the throat) and planted a drain in me (the wrist parasite). But I don't think any of it was intentional -- I think ze's just learned to survive by taking from people and does it by instinct. I think Kylei was damaged on the receiving side because ze did not want to receive more but Aperson overran zir boundaries. I think I was damaged on the giving side both because Kylei couldn't receive from me afterward and because Aperson latched on energetically when ze hugged me. I didn't even think about the sides of the body until after when I realized that most of mine was on the right and most of Kylei's was on the left. We both just sort of intuitively did it. The parasite died, Kylei pulled it out and snapped it in pieces (though a bit of the tail fell back in but it was not a live bit). I'm not sure why the wrist but it's a very strong energy spot for me so maybe the parasite just went to the easiest spot to feed.

So when I did this first energy cleansing, I had Kylei lay down, and I hovered my hands about an inch above zir and passed them over every spot to see what I felt. Then if I felt something negative, I used energy to pull it out. Sometimes it felt like a dust cloud and sometimes like an object. I would pull it out with my hands in what looks like pantomime, then fling it away and shake my hands clean. After I got all the things out that didn't belong, I ran my hands over zir again and where I felt an emptiness I poured energy in, breathing it in from the universe and letting it go out of my hands (instead of using my own energy, which I had done previously and knew was a Bad Idea). This is how I do energy work now, for the most part, but I haven't done a full cleansing in a long time, just little bits here and there. The most powerful things about this experience were that it worked and made us feel way better, and even more significant, we had the same physical sensations at the same time, for non-physical events.

I did a lot of energy work with Kylei over time, but almost exclusively on energetic/emotional things. The times I've used energy work for physical healing are few and far between. The first was accidental, when I was giving my mom a backrub and afterward ze asked if I was using a heat pack because of the energy that was coming out of my hands (this was when I first realized I could do this, but I was afraid it would never happen again so I didn't try for a long time). The first time I realized that it was more than just heat was when Abby felt a migraine coming and ze lay down while I ran my hands over zir head and felt what seemed like static, and I did a little bit of pulling but mostly I just ran cool soothing water energy over the static to calm it -- and it stopped the migraine from coming which Abby said had never happened to zir once it got to the point it had been (which was where vision was going out), even with powerful medications. I've since helped Topaz with zir migraines, though not quite as dramatically. I think my fear that it won't work again gets in the way, but when I'm first trying it I'm open to any possibility. I really need more practice so that I lose that fear.

Energy play is mostly a sexual thing for me, though that's just circumstantial because I haven't had local people who are motivated and able to do energy play that is nonsexual. Sexual energy play is just a part of how I have sex; I'd say at least half of the time I need for sex to contain energy play or I will feel a lack of nourishment and lose interest. This involves things like people touching my chakras, spinning them, connecting them with their own, entering them (or vice versa), pouring energy into them, etc. One of the most intense sexual experiences I've had involved me penetrating someone's heart chakra with my sacral chakra. I experience my chakras as being tubes that run through my body, with openings on both sides, and energy can flow out through them in a concentrated form. This makes about 80billion possible combinations which is fascinating because they all feel different.

Sexual energy play is also essential to me because of my identity as a trans person. [[note: I'm very sensitive about this so I don't want any doubting or playful comments on it, no this is not a joke]] I see my energetic self as intersex, and that is a physical reality for me even though it is not visual. I don't think my self image is physically possible and I know that there is no surgical option for me that would work, but I feel okay with that because I can still have sex in the way I want, with all my parts, as long as I have an energetically sensitive lover. I realized this was essential one time after having really great sex and feeling terribly sad afterward. When I asked myself why I heard "I felt left out" so I talked about it with Kylei and realized that I felt like we'd had sex as if I were 'just a girl' (ze already knew I understood myself as intersex) and we cuddled and ze comforted me and then asked if I wanted zir to touch my cock and I said yes, so ze did, and I felt the sensation as if it were physical. After that I went on to have lots of sex involving my full self and even though I still struggle a little to believe it sometimes, I have had so many affirmations of it through my lovers feeling the same thing at the same time that logically I have to accept that I'm not making it up (or if I am, it doesn't matter because it's having the same effect as if I weren't).

Other kinds of energy work I do are the oneness blessing, card readings (which I do by shuffling while mentally asking the deck to give me "a card to tell [person] what they need to [whatever]" and then drawing, looking at the card to see what sticks out and tells me something intuitively), shielding (when I deliberately put a block to keep someone from harming me energetically), cleansing objects (same method as for people), calming animals (feeling-broadcasting 'calm, relax' emotion at them strongly), cleansing places (using a sistrum I made for this purpose, incense, and speaking positive words), and connecting (with plants, mostly, sometimes people: I close my eyes and try to match their breath, their energetic speed, so that I can put my energy next to theirs and feel them more fully).
Tags: abby, energy handling, gender, kylei, magic, sex, spirituality, the essential belenen collection, topaz, writing prompts

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