Belenen (belenen) wrote,

bad dreams, worries / happy hangouts w Topaz & Sydney / vandalism / cutting the cord to Aurilion

icon: "strong (a photo of me in warm light with my hair down around my face, staring intensely into the camera in a defiant mood)"

So today's been a ridiculous tumult of emotions. Last night Aurilion sent me an email full of things that were neither kind, true, or necessary and I think ze was actually trying to hurt me on purpose. Most of it was laughably projecting but one of them struck an insecurity I've been struggling with for the past few weeks which is the idea that it's my fault when people leave me. I've been waiting on a response from Hannah for a while, a response which will determine whether or not there is a future friendship for us, and Aurilion's deliberate cruelty made me feel worse. So I had a bad dream that I went to visit Hannah, and we met in the airport, and ze talked with me only because zir mom thought it was a good idea, and ze told me that ze would never visit again. I woke up because I was so upset. Later in the day Hannah messaged telling me that ze was still working on a response, and that made me feel both relieved and more stressed (because the tone wasn't a happy one).

Then I had a really positive and interesting conversation with Topaz and zir friend Sydney, who I felt a really strong resonance with. We had hung out before but always with other people around who I didn't know, so I didn't feel up for directly engaging at those times since I felt like I'd be interrupting. We talked about spiritual things and I felt like we just got each other and I really hope that the three of us can hang out more.

Then they went to some festival and I went to my local coffeehouse to read for a while. While I was there this couple who I interpreted as two guys were cuddling on the couch next to "my spot" (which is the comfy chair with a bright light above). One of them left for a minute and the other started talking to me about having fallen asleep while cuddling and I responded that they were cute, so ze started talking to me about some people fretting that they would "catch queerness" and I talked about how I don't experience anti-queer sentiment OTP despite the perception, and ze was like "oh, are you...?" and I giggled and said yes. We talked a little more and then I tried to politely get back to my book, and I gave them each one of my contact info cards when I left.

Then I came home to find that my two crackled glass solar light orbs had been deliberately smashed on the pavement in front of my house. One of them had fallen over a few days ago and so it would have had to be lifted up and carried over to smash, and the other still had the pole in the ground with just the glass bit smashed. I see two possibilities: one, some shitspewing pimples decided to destroy them because they were available and the zits felt destructive, or two, said pimples were motivated by having previously seen my exceedingly queer car and were sending me a message of hate. Either way, it made me feel unsafe because people who would destroy someone else's possession because it's breakable or out of hate are (in my opinion) quite likely to hurt animals and my black cat likes to go outside. I felt like I'd just been proven wrong in the thing I told the young queer couple (though, on later reflection, I think it was random violence, not targeted).

I went inside and tried to find ways to calm myself. I talked very very briefly to Kylei, I made dinner and ate and watched a show, I read LJ, I texted with Topaz (mostly monosyllabic responses to zir happy shares), I tried and tried to calm myself and it wasn't working. I cried and laid in bed and pet Kanika, and could not feel better. I wanted to write about so many things but I couldn't. I wanted to clean up and make some hot chocolate but I couldn't. I started wondering if this was caused by Aurilion (deliberately or not) and I cut the cord between us with a swipe of my hand. I immediately felt better and was able to get up. I picked up my yellow obsidian, pressed it between my breasts on my heart chakra to close the cut, and felt almost entirely better, so I sat down and wrote this. I don't know what the deal is with Aurilion but whatever it is I am NOT meant to be in contact with zir right now, not even energetically. I've never deliberately cut cords from people I love before; the only other times I did this it was to remove ties placed on me without my consent. So. This is very different from the other endings I've had with Aurilion.
Tags: aurilion, hannah, pain, queerness, spirituality, sydney, those passing through, topaz

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