Belenen (belenen) wrote,

intimacy practice / more about lack of belonging / raising kids / exhausted, discouraged

Today was intimacy practice and it was really wonderful; hard topics, but deep sharing and very nourishing. We've been at max capacity (8 people) for the past two sessions and it takes significantly longer, right under 4 hours this time, but (for me at least) it's worth it. But I think it might be a bit much for some people, so I'm trying to think of good ways to balance that... but I don't want anyone to miss it, bleh, and I don't want to set a time limit on heart circle sharing but maybe we could go two rounds or something and people could choose to stay for one round or two.

I talked about my lack of belonging and I felt understood, but it still hurts. The biggest ache is the fact that I have these amazing people, but if I don't put in the very hard work of pulling them together, we'd all fall separate and some people would fall out of my life completely. We might be committed in small dyads that interconnect, but we aren't committed to a central unity. I think when I was sharing that, part of me hoped someone would say "I want long-term unity too! I will help you make it!" but I don't think people want that. Which makes me sad because if I want it, I have to find people to invest in who also want it. It's shitty to try to push for it with people who don't want it. But it was so fucking hard to find these people that the idea of trying to find others seems exhausting and impossible. Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the idea of raising kids -- I kinda want that, but only if I have at least two co-parents, and while I have a gaggle of aunts/uncles/auntcles, I don't have anyone in my life I could raise kids with. And I don't see how to go about making that. Most of the people I know with poly families started out as a dyad and then added people, but that's not how I would want to do it. So I just don't see it happening for me. So then what? I dunno. I guess I hope the right people just happen into my life. Right now wouldn't be the right time to form a kid-raising unit anyway so it's sort of moot.

I'm feeling kinda discouraged on most of my goals right now. Crafty parties have been fail the past few times and I feel like the biggest problem is distance, so I need to find locals, but I'm feeling a lack of hope and a lot of intimidation about it. Hopefully part of this is just sheer exhaustion from the stress of these past few weeks and after a few days of rest I'll be better.

I gotta get on finding another job soon. I've been sending out and dropping off resumes at places I'd actually like, and this week I'm going to apply places I can tolerate, but I'm not going to be 'available' for at least a week because I am so so so exhausted, just wiped out. I feel like my emotions have been running higher this week too, maybe due to stress, or maybe causing part of the stress. Can I just cry and be held please? can someone tell me I won't be yearning with no hope forever and mean it? Can't ever EVER someone want the same thing?

metanote: sorry I've only been posting the past few days, haven't had time to catch up on reading but hope to do that tomorrow (Monday). I feel like the quality of this writing is super crap but ugh. I dunno, I just need a break SO BADLY.
Tags: goals, intimacy practice, pain, relationships, tribe

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