Belenen (belenen) wrote,

this week has been hard/ I crave curiosity

This week I've had a terrible time self-motivating and felt a dreadful claustrophobic dilemma because I have to do time-sensitive things but I can't function until I rest but I can't rest because I need to get stuff done. I was so excited for time last week and made plans with people and had to cancel them all because it would have been too much and I wouldn't have been able to be present and connect.  I also felt sad because of last weekend's (that was just last weekend!?!!??) interaction with biofamily and the resulting crushing hopelessness (which has been mostly ameliorated as people I want to be tribe with have expressed their desire for that too) and also because Topaz and I hadn't had any focus time in probably a month, except for slight bits here and there.

Today I felt horrifically sad and couldn't find my way out of it, cried for three hours straight. I felt like Topaz wasn't curious about me (which is my primary way of feeling loved) and felt hopeless about it because I always get sad that people I am in love with are not curious about me and I feel like maybe it is something wrong with me that I feel so needy of that. If literally no one I've ever known cries and mourns a lack of being pried at, maybe its my problem. Why can't I just be happy with kindness and care and pets and loving words??? Why do I always want this and cry so fuckin hard over it?  (Note: I do not want advice, these are rhetorical questions) Topaz pointed out that not only is curiosity pretty central to my being, but I have a lot of trauma over people not wanting to know me. My parents and my first partner (who I was with for 8 years and married to for 6 of those) did not want to know me. I would show them pieces of me and they would look away and act as though I hadn't shared (literally, in the case of showing my parents my art). So that's 5/6ths of my life, it does make sense that I would worry that people didn't want to know me.

Topaz reassured me that ze does want to know me and it took a long conversation but I was able to believe it (it is not usually so hard for me to believe when someone I trust tells me something). We talked a long time. I had been very worried about sharing my feelings because stress is a migraine trigger and Topaz has had to deal with so many of those in the past few weeks and I didn't want to maybe cause another. Topaz reassured me that ze was feeling up to a stressful talk, and ze's good at figuring out zir limits so we talked about it.  Later Topaz said ze was glad we had that conversation, it was important and productive. That made me feel re-aligned with Topaz and valued.
Tags: days and moments, pain, questions, topaz

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