November 2017
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this week has been hard/ I crave curiosity


This week I've had a terrible time self-motivating and felt a dreadful claustrophobic dilemma because I have to do time-sensitive things but I can't function until I rest but I can't rest because I need to get stuff done. I was so excited for time last week and made plans with people and had to cancel them all because it would have been too much and I wouldn't have been able to be present and connect.  I also felt sad because of last weekend's (that was just last weekend!?!!??) interaction with biofamily and the resulting crushing hopelessness (which has been mostly ameliorated as people I want to be tribe with have expressed their desire for that too) and also because Topaz and I hadn't had any focus time in probably a month, except for slight bits here and there.

Today I felt horrifically sad and couldn't find my way out of it, cried for three hours straight. I felt like Topaz wasn't curious about me (which is my primary way of feeling loved) and felt hopeless about it because I always get sad that people I am in love with are not curious about me and I feel like maybe it is something wrong with me that I feel so needy of that. If literally no one I've ever known cries and mourns a lack of being pried at, maybe its my problem. Why can't I just be happy with kindness and care and pets and loving words??? Why do I always want this and cry so fuckin hard over it?  (Note: I do not want advice, these are rhetorical questions) Topaz pointed out that not only is curiosity pretty central to my being, but I have a lot of trauma over people not wanting to know me. My parents and my first partner (who I was with for 8 years and married to for 6 of those) did not want to know me. I would show them pieces of me and they would look away and act as though I hadn't shared (literally, in the case of showing my parents my art). So that's 5/6ths of my life, it does make sense that I would worry that people didn't want to know me.

Topaz reassured me that ze does want to know me and it took a long conversation but I was able to believe it (it is not usually so hard for me to believe when someone I trust tells me something). We talked a long time. I had been very worried about sharing my feelings because stress is a migraine trigger and Topaz has had to deal with so many of those in the past few weeks and I didn't want to maybe cause another. Topaz reassured me that ze was feeling up to a stressful talk, and ze's good at figuring out zir limits so we talked about it.  Later Topaz said ze was glad we had that conversation, it was important and productive. That made me feel re-aligned with Topaz and valued.

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Comments
left_harangue ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣loving╠══
I agree <3
classical_wolf ══╣Boy-Girl-Person╠══
I'm glad that Topaz had you feeling much better ♥
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
me too!
bunnika ══╣bunny: kisses╠══
I have to do time-sensitive things but I can't function until I rest but I can't rest because I need to get stuff done.

Story of my life right here. It's such a self-destructive cycle.

Is what seems like a lack of curiosity maybe just be an effect of knowing you well? I feel like we all get less curious about one another the more we learn about each other, because less surprises us, and we learn how our partners/friends will react to things, how they experience things, and it becomes less curious and more predictive. I don't know if that would make you just as sad or not, though. :-/
belenen ══╣artless╠══
Is what seems like a lack of curiosity maybe just be an effect of knowing you well? I feel like we all get less curious about one another the more we learn about each other, because less surprises us...

noooooo, no no nope nope. I never get less curious unless someone completely stagnates (and even then I am still curious but it's about stuff that doesn't exist yet). The more I love someone the more I want to know them, and there is always new stuff to learn. Even if it's just "how did you feel today?" People are too changeable and complex for me to ever feel like I know someone well enough to stop being curious. It gets harder to find new questions, but a lot of them are repeatable because people change. I feel like people forget this, and start interacting with each other in ruts, habits, assumptions, and that is super painful to me.

In this case specifically, I was misattributing Topaz' actions to a lack of curiosity when really it was a presence of external stress making it so that ze couldn't do much more than survive. Ze had a good day after a long string of bad ones and I leapt into doubt because zir first thing wasn't all about reconnecting with me and I took that to mean that reconnecting with me and learning what had been going on with me wasn't a priority. :-p I overreact when I have been going on faith for a while and then there is something that seems to counteract it, I crash hard.
bunnika ══╣╠══
Ahh, I wasn't really thinking of curiosity in that context, that makes sense.

I tend to jump to similar conclusions. Not always the best for my sanity.
volamonster ══╣descent of man╠══
May I ask, what does curiosity look like to you? I would love to learn this better.
belenen ══╣kissy╠══
it looks like this comment :D :D :D

asking questions!!! thinking about what you don't yet understand or know about me and/or prying me for more information when I share something. Critically engaging with my thoughts. Reading my journal (<-- ESPECIALLY this!) Looking at my other sites. Remembering something I said before and relating it to now, or asking if there are changes to it. I'm sure there are other ways but that is all that comes to mind right now.
volamonster ══╣descent of man╠══
Thank you for this! I really enjoy asking questions when people are sharing their thoughts and feelings, but often end up feeling like my questions come off as interrogatory or challenging when in fact I'm just genuinely curious and absolutely crave learning about the inner workings of other people. I also love when people tell stories to me that relate to special experiences, moments that illuminated some truth, etc. So sometimes I ask for stories. Anyway, yay for this.
camilleyun ══╣Camille Claudel╠══
The curiosity thing, I have it. I remember being upset with an ex because he never gave a rat's ass as to why something interested me or was meaningful to me and this is the biggest source of pain I had with my parents, particularly my mother. I have given up on people being interested and curious about me. It just does not happen. To answer your question that you left me which I read but didn't answer until now, I'm around. I'm having an existential/mid-life crisis; freaking out about getting older, how I'm not bonded to people, what am I going to do with the rest of my life, and why on earth have I not started packing. I'm moving to Knoxville. I close on my house on June 13. I post stuff on Facebook almost every day. Maybe you have not seen it. I've had several people say they do not see my feed.
belenen ══╣confused╠══
yeah, that's true for me, I hadn't seen anything you posted even though I have you on my shortest reading-list. :-/ very strange.

Also, wow, moving to Knoxville! what sparked that?
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I wonder why fb doesn't let everyone see my posts. I don't filter. Since May 1 I've been making public posts for the #100happydays photo challenge. There have been others who don't see my entries for whatever reason. Is the follow button clicked? I learned it's not enough to have someone as a friend but you nee to follow them as well. Not everyone has a follow feature. Come to think of it, I should check and make sure I do.

I've been in Chattanooga for 6 years and don't really have friends here. I have people I know but I'm not really bonded with them. I don't have a problem with Chattanooga itself but it gets rough being alone and isolated especially now that I'm freaked out about getting older.

Over the past year, I discovered a love for burlesque. While I wouldn't say any of the dancers I know are friends, they COULD be. My favorite troupe is located in Knoxville and I'm getting friendlier with the 2 women who run it. If I were to join a troupe, it would be that one because they have a lot of members [30 or so] in a family-style atmosphere. Plus, it doesn't hurt that they are well-known and always win one or more categories in competitions. Even if I decide I never want to get on that stage, so far, they have been pretty welcoming. When I was in Knoxville doing house stuff, I had lunch with one lady one day and then dinner with another the next time. It was easy. I didn't run out of spoons trying to get their attention. All I had to do was ask. I wish it was always that simple with people but it just hasn't been for me in the past. One even offered to watch my dogs anytime so I can go away for the weekend if I want. That's a lot more than I have here. If Tony my ex decides he can watch them, he does but he's not at all reliable since he is so fickle. I want to improve the quality of my life and I'm hoping to do that there by building a strong foundation of social support. I wish I had as many people as you have.

The husband of a popular dancer in Atlanta was trying to get me to move to Decatur and I already know I would go mental because experience tells me big cities with lots of traffic don't work for me. I find it so exhausting. Just this past week I drove to Atlanta for a burlesque show on Thursday then Athens TN for court due to a speeding ticket and I had to spend the next 2 days at home recovering. I don't want to live like that. I remembering living in Miami and having to plan my life aganist traffic and when it used to take me 90 minutes to travel 17 miles. No, no, and NO! I don't ever ant to do that again. When I visit Atlanta, it's at night so I don't encounter too many driving issues.
raidingparty ══╣╠══
Thanks for letting us know it's rhetorical - natural urge would be "fixit".

Lots of stuff of late - more to post later.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.