Belenen (belenen) wrote,

my tribe is coalescing / time with Zawn / reflecting on past abuse / gardening, progress, dreaming

Since making that series of posts about my desire for tribe last week, I've felt a powerful shift. Zawn, Kei-Won-Tia, Anika, Kylei, Topaz, and Heather all expressed to me that they want that too and are willing and desirous of putting forth the effort to create it!!! And Heather and Camellia and Kei-Won-Tia and Zawn all suggested plans to hang out with me! I feel like it's coming into possibility much more quickly than I thought would ever happen. I already feel stronger bonds with all of them just because of the intentionality. I feel kinda holding-my-breath but so happy and hopeful. I just feel such intense love for these people being willing to intentionally build with me and those I love.

I spent time with Zawn on Tuesday and it was so awesome! We talked in a constant flow and the time zoomed by. It sorta boggles my mind that we've lived this close and been LJ friends for this long and only met this year. We have a lot of similar passions and have self-educated in similar ways. I feel especially excited about Zawn and Topaz getting to know each other because I feel like they have similar minds and - ways of moving in the world? I don't know how to put it.

I've been thinking a lot about child sexual abuse lately. I feel like an expert on the subject because I've experienced it and seen it all around me and read so much on it. I feel like I have a deeply intuitive understanding of it. But I get very nervous talking about it because people have intensely hostile reactions to it and also it can be a huge trigger. I don't know that I have actually written about my experiences here. When I was first starting to process it I was really afraid that pedos would come read my experiences and get off on it, so I either locked things or didn't share them here. That idea still bothers me but I don't want to let the fear stop me. I think I'm going to write more about it. But the biggest thing I want to write is going to take some buildup of guts first.

I got my new garden started today which was a huge relief. I'm only about half done, but it's the most difficult half. I hope to finish on Friday. I was really afraid that I was going to let my plants die out of sheer procrastination, but my inability to function seems to mostly have passed? I keep sleeping SO LONG every day that I don't have plans in the morning though (10-12 hours). But the dreams I'm having feel like important processing and I actually woke up from one of them feeling deeply encouraged. I feel a bit baffled on why I need so much dreaming right now, because in waking life I don't feel a strong need to process. Maybe it's a backlog from not having enough dreams all through April.
Tags: days and moments, dreams, sexual abuse, sunny, tribe, zawn

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