May 2018
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The weight of privileged selfishness / all beauty is tainted / magic is hope

I don't understand how social justice activists live to be old. I knew almost nothing about the ubiquity of oppression 10 years ago and already I feel so weighed down by it that I don't feel like life is worth living. I keep on mostly out of obligation to do what I can while I'm here.

I just watched Cosmos with Topaz and this episode was all about how likely it is that we'll murder ourselves before we ever get to the stage of interstellar travel. I was just overwhelmed thinking about how fucking horrifically selfish so many people are: they just don't care about making food so fragile that it might cause millions to die, because they're sure that their money will save them. And I have no real hope that this evil selfishness in power will change. On the plus side, this is probably the only planet we will eviscerate, and the evil that runs us won't be able to spread its poison elsewhere.

Everything beautiful is tainted, either because it is threatened with murder by yet more selfish rich white men, or because to survive it allies itself with evil. There's a tree in Florida that was on my must-visit list because it is the national champion raintree, and it is slated to be slaughtered this year by selfish shitvomits who want to build yet more apartments for rich people.  I want to see Maleficent because I love the character and I love Jolie, but I can't because I refuse to support Disney. Etc with pretty much everything that exists.

I feel so lucky and yet so sad.  I don't know how to maintain. There's so little true joy.

Topaz and I talked for a while and ze tried to think of things I could do to feel better, and eventually I realized I'd probably feel better if ze did an energetic cleansing on me, so I asked, and ze did. My crown and 3rd eye chakras were full of muck, and my heart was sore, and my solar plexus was empty. I think that the only thing that reliably keeps me from despair is feeling magic emotionally and physically, and I haven't had anywhere near enough of that in my life lately.  Topaz had a great idea for a ritual gather, and talked about it very enthusiastically which helped almost as much as the cleansing because it gave me a feeling of hope.

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classical_wolf ══╣╠══
wildrose ══╣╠══
me: animated
bunnika ══╣me: animated╠══
Yeah, I was pretty ignorant until about 4 years ago (I started opening my eyes after I left my husband) and it's already pretty overwhelming. Some of the worst of it for me has been since becoming disabled, because I didn't realize how rampant ableism is until I suffered it to a severe degree. (I'd experienced it in the past, but it's nothing compared to what it was like when I started using my chair.)

We have to make the best of the world we're given, and it's a shitty world. Don't beat yourself up for consuming problematic things, because you're right, everything is problematic. But if we're lucky, by speaking out we're encouraging people to make new things, better things, and eventually we'll have some purity to enjoy.
hardigrin ══╣╠══

I'm really proud of you for how you engaged with how you were feeling and reached out for help to feel better, and I'm so happy Topaz was able to give that to you.
kiwi ══╣╠══

I know that sometimes when I step back and look at the world and think about how absolutely messed up so much of it is these days, it makes me want to throw my hands up and say "I give up". But then I think about the little girl throwing starfish back in the ocean when the tide goes out so that they can live, and her optimism about how she may not be able to make a difference for them all but she did for a few. I guess that's what I hold on to these days.

I feel like there's still beauty in hope. And love. And magic. <3
sabrinamari ══╣╠══
"There's so little true joy."

No. There is much true joy!

But you must learn the trick of recognizing it and allowing it in, and making it your focus.

*Hugging you*
siriciryon ══╣╠══
*hugs available*
There's a lot about it that's overwhelming - what you're saying here sounds a lot like the things I've been thinking for a long time, growing up in the last phase of the Cold War. I don't think I've ever figured out how to verbalize how I get past this - and I do, and it comes in waves, and it hurts so much, but you can come out the other side.

Something doesn't have to be pure to be beautiful, I remind myself. Sometimes part of the beauty is the survival - and that often leaves scars. I also often find myself, when I'm taken like this, thinking about about how sometimes prying the beautiful parts free of the things that hurt them unthinkingly—harm done without reverence, care, heartfelt apology, and doing the utmost to make value from the sacrifice (I'm unapologetic that I am an omnivore, for context on that)—is itself a good work; and that mistakes are made, and reparations must be done where they are possible, and there would be no world left to enjoy, if only the most-purely-perfect could stay there to enjoy it.

[ohmygoodness you and sabrinamari know each other? COOL!]
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.