Belenen (belenen) wrote,

The weight of privileged selfishness / all beauty is tainted / magic is hope

I don't understand how social justice activists live to be old. I knew almost nothing about the ubiquity of oppression 10 years ago and already I feel so weighed down by it that I don't feel like life is worth living. I keep on mostly out of obligation to do what I can while I'm here.

I just watched Cosmos with Topaz and this episode was all about how likely it is that we'll murder ourselves before we ever get to the stage of interstellar travel. I was just overwhelmed thinking about how fucking horrifically selfish so many people are: they just don't care about making food so fragile that it might cause millions to die, because they're sure that their money will save them. And I have no real hope that this evil selfishness in power will change. On the plus side, this is probably the only planet we will eviscerate, and the evil that runs us won't be able to spread its poison elsewhere.

Everything beautiful is tainted, either because it is threatened with murder by yet more selfish rich white men, or because to survive it allies itself with evil. There's a tree in Florida that was on my must-visit list because it is the national champion raintree, and it is slated to be slaughtered this year by selfish shitvomits who want to build yet more apartments for rich people.  I want to see Maleficent because I love the character and I love Jolie, but I can't because I refuse to support Disney. Etc with pretty much everything that exists.

I feel so lucky and yet so sad.  I don't know how to maintain. There's so little true joy.

Topaz and I talked for a while and ze tried to think of things I could do to feel better, and eventually I realized I'd probably feel better if ze did an energetic cleansing on me, so I asked, and ze did. My crown and 3rd eye chakras were full of muck, and my heart was sore, and my solar plexus was empty. I think that the only thing that reliably keeps me from despair is feeling magic emotionally and physically, and I haven't had anywhere near enough of that in my life lately.  Topaz had a great idea for a ritual gather, and talked about it very enthusiastically which helped almost as much as the cleansing because it gave me a feeling of hope.
Tags: anxiety / overwhelmed / stress, days and moments, energy handling, social justice / feminism, spirituality, topaz

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