As I was thinking out loud about this I realized that the stuff that has been coming up this month is not new -- especially not the belonging/tribe thing -- but that for at least two years I simply haven't had whatever it took to deal with old or overlooked shit. I feel like I'm in a period of upheaval and transition but it is a good kind, where I feel satisfied and accomplished afterward, not the bad kind where I feel worse and less able to cope after. When I said this to Topaz I could feel a wave of relief wash out from zir and ze hugged me. I asked if ze had been afraid that I was getting depressed again and ze said yes, that it hadn't seemed quite true but ze didn't have any other explanation for the recent upsetnesses. Ze said this fear had made it much harder to handle when I was upset. (and I think zir migraines made it all kind of blend together and seem larger because of dropped in-between memories)
So, let me just say, I think this will probably mean that a lot of my entries are going to be self-reflective and perhaps sad or upset, for a while. I noticed that I've been feeling a bit guilty when I process difficult or upsetting things without useful or happy things in between and I'm pushing back against that. I may be repetitive, I may seem complainy; if you want to unfriend I won't mind. If you choose to stay, let me feel how I'm feeling (don't try to cheer me up); I'm very good at working my way through without pushes.