Today I'm still feeling hurt and fragile and very worried that I'm not going to feel better fast enough, and I'm desperate to feel close with Topaz but I feel terrified that the next thing I ask for us going to be the thing that makes me a bad person and a burden who should be punished for not being supportive when someone else is hurting more.
I think it hurt me so badly because this is how it goes. This is how I lose people. They find out that I can't be all they need but they don't work with me to balance our needs so I give until I have nothing left and finally, I say, I can't do this, I need help, I need a better system, and they can't or won't help, and I lose them.
When Topaz and I talked about it ze was completely supportive and held me and petted me while I cried, and didn't get upset with me at all, but I was so terrified that it only partially sunk in. I think my feelings on this came mostly from my past and only like 15% from our actual interactions.
This night hit practically every relationship trigger I have. From when Ashe and Aurilion (the two closest people in my life at the time) left me when I was crying my eyes out because they were more invested in their time together and didn't want me to ruin it with my sad (as I felt it at the time: turned out they thought I was faking it because they'd never seen me like that), to the end of my relationship with Abby when I made a mistake about how to caretake zir in crisis and ze thought I didn't care (which I experienced as me trying my best and it not being good enough and being punished with anger and distrust), to how my parents would get upset at me for getting upset and making them feel bad (literally threatened with physical punishment if I expressed upset when they wanted to enjoy themselves), to how my ex-spouse blamed me for any unhappiness ze felt (so I developed deep guilt and fear in response to my person's unhappiness), to how I couldn't reach out to Kylei for the last chunk of our romantic relationship because ze couldn't handle it, to how Hannah and I can't be close because our needs don't work together, to how furiously and vengefully Aurilion responded the last time I expressed upset with zir behavior, to how all my experiences have taught me that I should never never never express my pain if I think there is a chance that the other person will take it personally, feel blamed/judged and/or try to take responsibility for me feeling better (yet I must express these things, if I want to live up to my ethic of openness and honesty!). It was just one huge clusterfuck of all the worst feelings I've ever had. I still feel so unsure and scared and sad.