November 2018
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my ADD-PI is getting bad. close to the point of total breakdown / a good resource for ADD strategies

icon: "tenebrous (my face, looking down, deeply sad expression, shadowy and blurry)"

So my ADD-PI has gotten to the point where I cry every time I think about it. Just writing that sentence made my eyes well up. I talked about this at the most recent intimacy practice and cried. Heather offered to pick me up and drive me to the sliding-scale clinic and I got there and started filling out the paperwork - and in big letters it said that they don't prescribe adult ADD meds. I welled up but thought maybe they could offer me some other resources or maybe they had non-stimulant meds I hadn't tried, so I filled it out. Then the person checking me in called me over and pointed it out and I started crying, managed to choke out that I was hoping for resources or any kind of help, they sent me to finish the paperwork and before I did someone called me in back to talk to them. I was gasping and crying at this point, trying to get control of myself. I told them I can't remember things that happened three days ago, I can't do things I need to do to finish school, I feel like my brain is crumbling. They listened kindly but uselessly, and told me of some other places I could try. I now realize that before I try to go in, I need to check and see if they even prescribe these meds.

I loathe that the shitbrains in charge care so much more about punishing people who get high than they do about people who need meds to live. This isn't a problem for the rich fucks, a $500 test is all that stands in the way for them, or, y'know, choosing an independent psychiatrist who isn't paid by the government. It might as well be a million dollars: I can't see myself having $500 to spare within the next year.

I'm getting really desperate.

ETA: oh, *angry laugh* I remembered the other thing I was going to post. (ADD memory, so full of holes) Your Life Can Be Better, Using Strategies for Adult ADD/ADHD by Douglas A. Puryear MD is actually really useful, easy to take in, so sympathetic it made me cry many times. It's not a substitute for meds (you have to have SOME level of memory to even write things down) but I found it encouraging, mostly in that 90% of the suggestions it mentioned I had already been trying in one way or another and the last 10% were really great. It was the first time I felt validated in my diagnosis, reading this. And if you didn't have an undiagnosed ADD parent who passed down coping strategies, this will give you all those and more. It's written by a psychiatrist who has ADD: it's choppy but in a good way, most chapters are no more than 5 pages, so you can take it in in manageable chunks. It doesn't have unnecessary "this is what ADD is" crap, either, or medical bullshit that's only good if you're a social scientist seeking academic understanding. And the author makes the kindle version cheap on purpose so that it's more accessible, and keeps a blog where they share strategies. It's not perfect -- there's some fat-is-bad rhetoric, sexism, and classism, but it is MUCH less than I would expect from a default dude, especially one of that generation.

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z8z8 ══╣╠══
It sounds like you're getting the run around which totally sucks for someone in obvious pain like you.
I've gotten the same treatment, so your post resonated with me
Hope things work out for you
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
Not a ton of help but I know that for me anxiety can greatly interfere with my ability to cope with my add symptoms. Staying on top of the anxiety meds helps, not directly but through the route of increased coping. I take buspar which is super cheap and non addicting so easier to get prescribed.
itemptfate ══╣❥╠══
I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. I hope things get better for you.
tizoo ══╣╠══
yeah i have to agree with z8z8. it does seem like what they said.
i've gone to a sliding scale clinic also and it surprised me just how much they charged for everything.
sorry this is happening, though. when you need it most you should be able to get the help.
kiwi ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Keeping you in my thoughts. :(
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
This is so painfully resonant right now.

If this were me I'd be like, remembering to check to see if they even have the meds is just one more step that complicates the crap out of everything. I'm dealing with an HRT-related medication scenario and I'm like there are too many steps! I don't know what to do. Especially when it comes to checking things out first and figuring out the most efficient way to get things done in the least number of steps? USPS just started sending my medication back to China because I didn't have an apartment number on the address and I have no idea what to do. Do I look for an appointment here? Do I place another order ASAP and ask them to cancel that one when it gets back to them, hoping I can get some estrogen in the meantime? And do I even have time to work all this stuff out? Even to figure out this one simple thing, how to get my medication, feels like it will take a day of effort. :( All because I forgot something as simple as an apartment number!

I probably spend half my day making corrections for my lack of organization and once I get one area of my life organized others get disheveled. I can't get things done in time, and I feel like, please please stop blaming me, please stop making judgments about my character, that pressure just makes this all so much worse.

I don't have a diagnosis (well, I do, from years and years ago, but I'm not sure that counts). Never had access to mental health care I trusted first of all and I'm very resistant to taking medication. I'm quite resistant to even considering this a problem because in the world I envision as a healthier alternative to this one, it *wouldn't* be (speaking only for me). It's all this capitalistic stuff that turns it into a problem. I feel like I was MEANT to flow. To be supported doing what I love. That's not a deficit in me. That's one of the best things about me. It's just that I can't change my focus easily especially not to things I'm not interested in doing and when I need to deal with stuff that a capitalistic society expects me to deal with... I don't know. Grr.

Were I to look for a diagnosis I would probably be diagnosed with everything from ADD to bipolar to autism and that itself is like, whoa, what is really the core that I focus on that can make the rest work better for me? Like, it sounds like so so much but my life is pretty good and that's not a reflection on what it FEELS like to be living my life. It's just hard sometimes in certain ways, that's all, like anyone else's. It feels like a lot but I think all these different labels/diagnoses are not separate 'things' or things at all (for me) but just different ways of framing ONE thing that's going on for me, my life experience. How do I own ALL of this (oh, and anxiety!) as part of my experience and have anyone believe that my life is not a mess? It feels like it sometimes on the inside... sometimes... but anyone outside who wants to say my life is a mess doesn't know what they're talking about.

I just had to download that book ASAP. I'm afraid my life is going to just crumble if I don't figure this out soon. As I start to read, it *does* validate for me my experiences, from what I've glanced at so far. I don't need a lot of science to feel validated, I need, these are everyday problems you may struggle with, here are ways to deal with them. It's validating to hear, oh, wow, others struggle with this stuff to, more so than having a label for it.

It feels like something is wrong with me when I do something that most people would do like -- well, the driving off with the gasoline hose mentioned in the book isn't something I've done but it sounds a LOT like SO MANY things I have done that people will just go, 'huh? what's wrong with you? i can't trust you anymore after this' and I'm like please please please please trust me, please don't judge me because I'm trying as hard as I can and doing my absolute best I promise I promise. It's hard.

If you want to talk about this stuff sometime, like a little mutual support sort of thing, or you resonate with any of this, I am very open and it would be validating for me.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣disassociative╠══
I'll keep that in the back of my mind, and hope I don't need it. Thanks for the info (screening your comment due to location).
bunnika ══╣╠══
meri_sielu ══╣hawkmoon╠══
I have nothing helpful to say but you do have my sincere sympathies and hopes that something will work out for you. This must be so horrible for you to go through. :(
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Working with health care insurance (or lack of) can be INFURIATING. I LOATHE MONEY-BASED decisions on people's health. I cannot wait for the day we shift from that practice on a wider scale.

What's the test for? To see if you're allergic?

Ugh, so sorry you have to jump through hoops just so you can jump through hoops.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.