January 2019
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Visiting biofamily and Anika: prompting family to grow, having deep talks w Anika & energy work

icon: "exuviate (a sparkly green dragonfly standing next to its just-shed previous skin)"

Yesterday I went on a walk in nature with P and we talked a lot about their relationship with M. As usual I was revolted by the presence of sexist norms and unethical treatment of each other, M taking advantage of P when they can and P doing it because M did it first. At least it's not as violent as it once was? But it's certainly not a positive relationship.

Anika picked me up from my biofamily's house in early evening. I really expected my biofamily to put up a fuss but there wasn't even a slight protest. Usually when I visit them, they are super greedy of my attention and do little else than spend time with me. This time, the first two nights after about 6-7 pm they all checked out, watching about 3 hours of the TV show they're currently on (without even trying to engage me) and then going to bed. It was really weird to me and I'm not sure how to take it. I like that they're being less controlling but it's like they're all addicted to escape. To be fair, M & P were sick and S did spend an evening talking with me very meaningfully. So maybe I just caught them at an off week. Anyway, I waited to tell them because I didn't want them to have much chance to manipulate me out of it (turns out it didn't matter).

So, I went with Anika and Suzu to their house and saw the dog again, met the rabbits, got sat on by the cats, watched the fish, and held the snake *grins* Menagerie is aptly named. Anika and I spent the evening talking, driniking, and eating ice cream. I got to see their altar and learn about the items that are a part of it.

They grimaced with pain at one point and I offered to rub their back, they accepted, and I did my best (probably not that great). I asked if I could energy them and they said yes, so I did some clearing out and then poured energy into their center, and tried to smooth/reconnect some shredded areas. Later I asked what they felt and they said they had been focusing all of their pain into one spot, which made me laugh because I have never had someone work to help while I was doing this, instead of just accepting. I think that was why it felt weird to me and I couldn't get much of a read on where the pain was (because they were moving it). I said that I want to try again sometime when Anika is not working simultaneously but is instead just receiving, and they said ruefully that they weren't very good at receiving but would give it a shot.

I felt really super happy to see Anika when they picked me up, happy in a glowy way. I'm sure some of it was the contrast between their lovely presence (and Suzu's) and my biofamily's sadness and exhausted hostility (between the parents), but I also think I felt more open and sensitive to their presence. I usually get discouraged when I can't easily (energetically) feel someone's affection for me, and get pulled out of the moment worrying that they don't really care or something, but that didn't happen this time. I didn't get distracted or fretful. Partly because they had just gone way out of their way for me and that makes me feel very loved and very sure of it. And partly, I think, because I felt a kind of subconscious understanding that only became conscious the next morning. As it did, I expressed that next time we have a few days together I would like to deliberately work on dropping the walls between us. I feel that there are some protections Anika has built after trauma that make it difficult for me to feel their spirit or connect fully. I sort of said these things while realizing them, speaking straight from intuition without editing. They said they feel that is true and they like the idea of trying that next time though it makes them nervous. I feel happy and relieved after sensing/realizing this because I had been perplexed that I couldn't feel what I felt years ago and worried that I had sensed wrong then or remembered wrong or that something had changed to make it impossible. Now I feel like I can be confident that it did and does exist and is reachable and I also feel like I have felt a piece of that again.

I also had a little talk with my parents about their habit of hostility and suggested that they try an experiment of not saying anything negative to or about each other for a week (and if they must express it for some reason, they have to write it not speak it). Including 'jokes' because M likes to say things to irritate P as entertainment for themselves. I suggested that if one of them slips up the other can kindly- not snarkily- say the code word "flower" to remind the other that they are trying to do this thing. They said they wanted to do it and were going to start right away. I'm taking that with a grain of salt, but if they really both earnestly try I think it would help so much (especially since they are going on a trip together tomorrow).

Also, I got them to finally hang artwork that they'd had sitting against the wall for probably at least a year, and after I asked if they had consecrated the house, P told me about the dog having seen spirits and a little later M decided to go ahead and do it. It wasn't the ritual I would have done by a long shot, but it seemed to be soothing for them and to help them to feel more settled and connected. It was immediately before I left so I didn't really have a chance to feel it out and see if I could feel a difference. I definitely felt the art made a difference (even though the quote one certainly wasn't what I would have chosen). I think P gets a lot of their sense of self-worth from their dedication to Christianity and that was how my parents connected initially so P takes M doing something Christian (like praying) as a sign of love or hope. Since they won't leave each other I hope they can manage to learn to be good to each other.

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lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
Wow, noticing and appreciating your awareness of all sorts of things here and your nudges to try various things with biofamily and with Anika! I'm really excited about your realization with Anika, I love that moment of recognizing, oh, there are these walls up, and knowing what might be done to take them down. I also get perplexed and thrown off when I can't energetically feel affection, but recognizing there are walls up and actively working to break those down is wonderful. It just takes a bit of conscious work to get things flowing sometimes and when someone is willing to do that its wonderful. I find for me it's also a bit harder when I don't see someone very often.
tree joy
belenen ══╣tree joy╠══
<3 <3! thanks for the joy-empathy!
con_grazia ══╣╠══
I hope it's okay to ask you this question because it's been confusing me for a while. I'm pretty sure you'll let me know if it's not okay. ;)

A few months back I noticed that you were not using certain descriptive pronouns like zir or ze anymore and had switched to the plural they. I thought you were talking about more than one person until it became clearer in another post that you were indeed talking about one person.

It is okay to ask why the switch? I even went back and read posts from that time to see if you explained it but couldn't find anything. I wonder if I am the only one who's confused? Sometimes I actually can't tell if it's more than one person. It's your descriptive and not mine, so I'm sure you don't care if I can't tell but I was just wondering.

bus stop espresso
midwinter ══╣bus stop espresso╠══
Hey - just wanted to drop in to say that I think if Belenen continues to use singular they for everyone, it will eventually become easier for you. I don't use gender-neutral pronouns for everyone like Belenen, but at least half (if not more) of my close friends use singular they these days. It's been about four years since my first friend started using 'they', and it now feels very natural to me, like it's always been part of my vocab. It was difficult for me at first to understand if multiple people were being referred to, but now my brain seems to process use of the pronoun completely differently - it seems to use other cues to figure out who is being referred to.
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
thanks <3
con_grazia ══╣╠══
Thanks. :)
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
it's totally okay to ask me any questions ever :D

I made the switch for several reasons. One is even though ze/zir does not refer to a gender and is thus a term for any person, it is taken as meaning "something other than he or she" and I have to acknowledge the common perception even though it's inaccurate. So I use they/them because that is actually taken as gender-neutral. There is also the fact that I am not the clearest enunciator, and people sometimes hear my "zir" as her and my "ze" as he. That doesn't work either! And lastly and most importantly, they/them is inclusive of people who are bigender or multigender and plurals (people who are multiple systems, multiple people living in the same body. FAQ). So, overall I switched to 'they' to communicate more accurately and to be more inclusive. I've been meaning to make a post about this so thanks for the question!
con_grazia ══╣╠══
I've been out of town and just saw this. Thanks for clarifying!
webgirluk ══╣pic#118113725╠══
I like your wording of a biofamily as opposed to I guess a socially constructed one that I strive to form as well. Too many of my posts probably surround that :p Feel free to dip in and have a read :-)

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yesss exactly. My biofamily hasn't been my 'family' since I was like 8 years old.
walking man's road
midwinter ══╣walking man's road╠══
I have never given or received energy with friends, only a few times with bodyworkers. Once I am more familiar with it I'm interested in trying, your descriptions of the practice are very attractive. :)

That is really heartening that your bioparents are open to the new compassion exercise. It sounds valuable, I hope they're able to do it. I also wish my parents (mostly my dad towards my mom) would work on respect, because I doubt they'll ever split up.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I would love to know about your experiences when you try energy work with friends!

I really hope my parents followed through, but it's such an old habit I feel like they'd need a babysitter for three weeks to actually do it.
lookbookstoreco ══╣╠══
Love to follow you hehehe
do not even
virginia_fell ══╣do not even╠══
I also had a little talk with my parents about their habit of hostility and suggested that they try an experiment of not saying anything negative to or about each other for a week

This is glorious.
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
heh, it would be if they did it (I suspect otherwise but haven't checked in).
esotsm: clem-zipped up
delicatexflower ══╣esotsm: clem-zipped up╠══

that energy healing sounds amazing. i've done it in the past and it's very healing for both parties involved. have you ever had a negative experience dealing with it? i had one and their toxic energy (which i didn't know existed at the time) is still present with me and i was wondering if there was a way that you cleanse yourself over that.
belenen ══╣strong╠══
oh, I have had people attach to me or someone I love and how I dealt with it was asking my lover to cleanse me and then me cleansing them, just energetically feeling where the attachments or bad implants were and pulling them out. You can also do stuff like say "I reject anything attached to me or within me that does not nourish me. Out! Off! Away!" and clap your hands with each "Out! Off! Away!" and continue until you feel it gone. Or by taking deep breaths and envisioning breathing out the negative feeling and bringing in positive, or by burning incense, or by shaking bells. Sometimes I envision sending down roots to the center of the earth, burying them in plasma, and having bolts of bright energy come up the roots and burn out anything that isn't good for me.
raidingparty ══╣╠══
Lots of good developments.

(We still need to hang our art, although it's been a few months rather than a few years.)
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
thanks, I agree.

I'd love to see photos once you have the art hung!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.