April 2018
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maybe I have a very bad habit - thoughts? (backwards compliments sound mean?)

icon: "distance (two hands (from two people) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I have a problem with the sometimes sounding 'mean' especially with my favorite people. I think I throw bystanders for a loop when I talk with Topaz or Kylei sometimes because I will make fun of them sort of? but it's always about things that I have already discussed with them and they know I'm not being mean but expressing that I know them. I think it can come off mean though, and sometimes I'll forget and do it with someone who doesn't know me as well and they might take it as a passive-aggressive dig. I have definitely done it with Kei-Won-Tia and Anika and then realized that they might not feel like I am expressing affection for that aspect of them, and tried to explain, but I worry that that comes off as insincere. I feel regret for this habit whenever that happens. Not sure if I should try to unlearn it. Thoughts?

Like, if someone called me "as subtle as a brick to the face" I would feel loved and flattered that they were expressing this understanding of me, because I feel that my lack of subtlety is a quality that is fairly essential to who I am. But that may be a very strange quirk and what if I am making people feel like shit in my attempts to show understanding and affection? Ugh, dreadful possibility. If I have ever said something that was pointing out of one of your outstanding qualities in an over-the-top way, did it make you feel bad? or..?

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mushroom's dragon
volamonster ══╣mushroom's dragon╠══
I can only speak for how I regard things like this. For me, it's extremely context-dependent. Do I KNOW for SURE that you value that aspect of me that you pointed out? Do I KNOW without ANY doubt, that you are pointing out something that you love about me, rather than something that annoys you, trying to pass it off as a joke/friendly jab? This makes all the difference in the world.

It also depends on where we are. Was this thing said in front of a bunch of people who are now turning and staring at us? I do not like calling hostile attention to myself. It's important to me that my loved ones take my comfort into consideration the way I take theirs into consideration, so this would be an example of that.

All of that said, I do this with some of my loved ones, sort of? Like one of my partners, they are self-described as "very angry," although it's more tongue-in-cheek than serious. So if we are teasing each other lovingly, I might say something like, "Oh yeah, you're soooo hard to rile up..." sarcastically, and then smile and wink at them, making it abundantly clear that this is a thing based on shared understanding. I also know that this is something this person enjoys both dishing and taking, so it's specific to them. That is to say, I generally only do this with people with whom I have an established dynamic like that.

These are all very me-dependent, not necessarily how someone else would feel.
kiwi ══╣╠══
I pretty much second everything said in this very well-written comment.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
this makes a lot of sense, thanks for the feedback <3
bunny: kisses
bunnika ══╣bunny: kisses╠══
I think I reasonably understand this aspect of your personality, and don't remember poorly taking anything you've said of me, even if I would interpret it as an insult from someone else. I also just generally have faith in your sincerity, and don't really suspect you're lying to me about liking me, or liking those things about me that others don't. This might be because we have a number of those things in common, like being as subtle as a brick to the face. :-P
belenen ══╣teasing╠══
oh good! yay for brick-face subtlety :D :D
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
I don't think this is related to what you're talking about, because there wasn't anything teasing or remotely mean sounding about your words, but just in case, please please know that my response to you pointing out my qualities was not taken in any negative light whatsoever, and it didn't make me feel bad! I actually love when people do that, even in a brash way, and telling me about my qualities was 100÷ okay and valued. I have a habit of my own which is, I'll sometimes say that something someone shares with me brings up discomfort or negative feelings or whatever, but the intention behind that isn't to tell you that you hurt me or that I'd rather you do something different. In fact I am very glad and grateful you told me you see these things in me. It makes me happy to hear that. And, I'm not sure if I will express this well, but I guess the way I work, I actually welcome when someone I feel safe with and loved by shares a truth that brings up discomfort. I appreciate that your words took me to a bit of unknown territory within myself, and when I then offer transparency about various aspects of what that brings up for me, including discomfort, the intention is actually intimacy. It's actually, I appreciate this/you so much that I want to be transparent with you about more of what is going on for me around it, because I value self growth and reflection and want to share that with you. For me processing things with someone, and being in the truth of the heart, is a reward in itself. Saying I feel uncomfortable in the sense I did really just means I want to open my heart to you, not any problem or issue whatsoever, just gratitude that I feel safe enough to share all these aspects of how I feel. I'm not sure how to be clearer about making that distinction. I mean, there are times when something is uncomfortable to me and I want it not to be, and other times when I feel discomfort and I take joy in feeling that and sharing with someone. <3 It didn't even occur to me that you might take my mention of discomfort as anything other than 'I'm opening to you' until just now.
belenen ══╣amused╠══
oh, I wasn't worried but I appreciate you sharing this! I feel I understood that you are comfortable with being uncomfortable, to phrase it oddly ;-)
ta/ scarlet's walk through the voilets
acid_burns ══╣ta/ scarlet's walk through the voilets╠══
I have the same exact habit. And it gets me in trouble more times than I care to count.
belenen ══╣brewing╠══
eek, sorry love! I feel like you could say pretty much anything and I would take it as affectionate because I consider you one of the most deeply compassionate people I have ever known. I just wish people would be like "did you mean this this way?" when they think it's the bad kind of reference. :-/
keiwontia ══╣╠══
I love you.
belenen ══╣shock╠══
oh yeah?? OH YEAH???? REALLY???

:D I love you too ;-)
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
Has anything changed with how you feel about this habit? I'm curious about what's come up since you've been thinking about it. Just because I have the same problem and I tend to just surround myself with people who "get it," but some people do tell me specifically that I'm mean or "challenging" and it does bug me to hear that.

"And yet it disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional."
-Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye
belenen ══╣confused╠══
I dunno, I got a little more comfortable with it I think? but I want to be more aware of it so I'm trying to attach a mental tag to check reactions and explain if I think it didn't come across in a positive way.
raidingparty ══╣╠══
My current partner has explicitly said she likes arguing, asked for me to be dominant, to spank her, all kinds of things with which I wouldn't otherwise have felt comfortable.
Pointing at what a great relationship it is, I feel safe being/doing such with her, where I wouldn't have otherwise; even if I might have wanted something. In fact, she's helping me discover otherwise-unknown facets of my personality by giving me the ability to reveal them.

... however, I'm always concerned when we play-fight in public, or use certain phrases, that someone will misunderstand and assume the worst.
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
*nodnod* yeah, I know what you mean!
wildrose ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣artless╠══
aww, I'm so glad that I come across as not-at-all-mean to you.

I think you're right about it being totally context-dependent.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.