March 2019
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spiritually inspired/nourished / how I meditate / what eye contact feels like for me

icon: "woven souls (me and Hannah lying naked on black cloth, with legs entwined, laying on our sides facing each other with one set of hands entwined with each other's, and the top shoulder leaning back, relaxed. there is a red and violet overlay with the violet coloring me and the red coloring Hannah)"

I haven't been this regularly spiritually inspired and nourished -ever. I was gonna say "in a long time" but really, I think the previous longest streak that felt like this was a week and a half. I can't express how good it feels. I think part of what is fueling it is the fact that I've been keeping up with writing and daily photo-taking and daily unprompted openness and regular time with friends and time in nature. The flow of creativity and connection is very inspiring. Also I think I'm in a great place where I am starting to develop things that I have already discovered, and it builds much faster than when I'm initially just fumbling around.

This Wednesday I met up with Cass (a close friend of Heather's who I have known peripherally for a long time) and we had some great talks. Partway through we parted so that I could do my weekly meditation, and I sat on a dock next to the river and stared at the water for a while, and closed my eyes for a while, and had a difficult time settling in. Eventually I was able to get in the space (it is much harder for me when I am not in my sanctuary) and as I was meditating I realized that I want to re-make my sistrum with a heavier handle, perhaps with stones embedded. I felt really pleased with this prospect. After meditation Cass asked if they could ask me what my meditation was like. I said firstly, you can always ask me any question ever, and on the rare occasion when I don't wish to answer, I will just say so. Then I rambled about what I do and as I did so came to realize what it is that I do.

I don't ever do emptiness meditation. Sometimes I hold an object and focus on it, sometimes I gaze at something and focus intently on that, sometimes I look through a deck of oracle/tarot cards, sometimes I read a book, sometimes I chant, sometimes I dance, sometimes I focus on my breathing, sometimes I focus on a situation that I want to change. In a good number of these, I am thinking. But when I start going down a thought-trail I have already explored, I stop. And I just block off old thoughts, one by one, until new ones have a chance to come up. I developed this totally unintentionally but I really like it.

Cass also asked me what eye contact feels like for me, which was also a question I hadn't considered. I reflected, and said that with most people I become a mirror, they look in my eyes and see themselves reflected, but through a lens of compassion. The first time I did silent prolonged eye contact with someone, the person cried and cried (that one was at least 10 minutes). People always seem to have a strong emotional response. I tend to get a strong sense of their pain or longing when this happens, sometimes seeing bits of memories that aren't mine. I enjoy giving them feelings of being noticed, of being cared for.

I'd really like to get that feeling others seem to get, but I think that maybe that requires a skill most people don't have or maybe I unconsciously block off the flow in that direction or both. I know I need to trust the person on multiple levels: trust that they want to see me truly and without a role or pedestal, trust that when they see me they will be reverent, trust that they can handle my full self without crumbling, trust that they will not use what they learn to manipulate me whether on purpose or accidentally, trust that they will not attach to me or pull my energy from me. So, yeah, writing this out I realize why I have rarely had eye contact be so emotional for me; that list is a rare and extremely high level of trust. I have such a deep level of easy-vulnerability that the vulnerable-to-me level is something most don't seem to look for. Few people seem to realize that more exists, much less ask me to open that up for them.

I have had transcendent eye contact, mostly during sex. I feel like that is when people get in a space of focus where it is easier for them to try and see me without getting distracted by their reflection. Also, there was this barista I met in a coffeeshop when I was 19, who from the moment I met them locked eyes with me and it felt comfortable and easy and natural and loving, and we had amazing conversations for the 6 months that I frequented that coffeeshop. But between that person and now, I have had a number of experiences where people would make eye contact with me and try to attach to me or pull from me, both of which feel like someone trying to sneakily rub their genitals on you. It's awful. But then the people that I do trust tend to consider eye contact too difficult. So I don't make a lot of eye contact now, relative to me. Relative to your average person I make a SHITTON of eye contact.

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jaime_blue ══╣╠══
If you want to, later on after I start meditating and being aware of myself I would really like to also have some eye contact with you, as well as the smelling/cuddling we talked about. But I feel like that is something for later on because a) you've probably noticed that I can't really even hold eye contact while talking to a person + I don't even hold eye contact with myself in the mirror anymore most of the time and b) I want to be conscious and aware of your energy whenif we do this, so I need to practice being aware of energy in the first place.

This leads me to a question which you don't have to answer: Do you practice holding eye contact with yourself in the mirror? What is that experience like for you?
keiwontia ══╣╠══
How do you feel when we have prolonged eye contact? Can you recall?
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
I also developed a form of meditation (with the help of the divine) that I think it's going to be really helpful for me if I make it a consistent practice. It's an embodied meditation that started calling to me a couple years ago and at the time part of me wondered if it was just energy masturbation but it just revealed itself to me again and I'm really excited about what will come of it if I continue the practice, allowing whatever wants to happen to happen, and reclaiming all of me.

The feeling I get that's so wonderful with eyegazing is being able to let love and appreciation pour forth through me, and being witnessed by the other in offering that gift of love. When I was starting to do it, early on, all I saw was projections of myself; it took a while to sink in and start to see the other more clearly, but now I'm able to separate the two pretty easily. So for me it's a pouring love forth and a being witnessed in that love I am offering, because one of the most sacred things in the world to me is simply this, from a chant: "All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you." For someone to witness that, and know that, and remember that, that is a deep peace for me.

I felt something in my eyegazing with you that felt a bit like holding back, perhaps, but not quite, just that there was a hell of a lot in your eyes that wasn't ready to be revealed, and a bit of it did over time, like a pot of water slowly warming on a stove. There was a solidity in your gaze that I don't often find, not that that's a good or bad thing, just a beautiful aspect of your being in the moment. I was kind of just curious and wondering if and how more might be revealed because I could see there was so much more dancing beneath the surface and I wanted to gently coax it forth, and within myself, I also noticed this desire to be more playful (as you noticed in its subtety) and let go of something that was holding back but being unsure how to do that. But if you're interested I can share with you the most powerful eyegazing exercise I've ever done that is rather intense but it certainly breaks down walls. :)

So, yes, I could definitely sense that there was sooo much more there, that not to diminish the beauty of it at all there was something somewhat tepid in our eyegazing, and I perhaps don't ask for more, not because I didn't see the potential -- I very much did -- but because so many people don't see within themselves that there is more there to be opened, so I hesitate to tell them that I see places that haven't opened up and that I want to see those places. And also you were tired. :P I don't want anyone to feel like I'm asking them to do the impossible or that I don't fully appreciate exactly what is appearing in the moment. But I don't know, I'm wondering right now... maybe it's never something I need to hesitate to offer when I want to see more of someone. Maybe it's not trusting their divine vastness when I don't trust them to on some level get what I mean when I say I want to see more of them.
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
So, with you, I would like to go to the "vulnerable to you" level and raise you one. :) I mean, it's so so rare for me to feel challenged in vulnerability, usually the challenge is coping with a society that expects the opposite. You can't scare me, hehehe. It's up to you to trust when/if that feels right to you but I would at least like to declare that I feel I can hold it all and would delight in holding it all. And honestly I'd probably ask for eyegazing every day or something, so it's hard for me to get a grip on when to ask for it! Whenever you want it I think more often than not I'll be open to it if not right away within a couple hours. :) So maybe you can help me figure out the best timing/approach to asking for something that I'm pretty much always open to? I.e. how to best negotiate it happening often enough that it's really fulfilling for both of us without making assumptions that it's not wanted or holding back just because that's the norm. What I notice way too often is how people *don't* ask for things because they assume that's what the other wants, or hold back for that same reason, when it's like the furthest thing from the actual truth. Like entire marriages are born and fail on this assumption! I want to live more from, not what if it's not wanted, but what if it is?! That's what I do a lot and I think I'm ready to explore new ways of negotiating things, a new sort of calculus, how to find the maxima of the equation. Or the finding the limit of the integral (t) of fulfillment as f goes to infinity. *giggle* Hmmm. AMAIF: as much as is fulfilling (just made up a new acronym). And ANAP (as nourishing as possible), another one, and naps certainly are nourishing much of the time. :D
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
Also, so happy for you feeling spiritually nourished! I'm watching the swaying trees behind your house from the new perspective out of my window, that is nourishing. :) Big question, what parts of you do you wonder that others may crumble upon encountering or not being able to handle? If indeed that is expressible in words.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
I'm so happy that you've been spiritually inspired and nourished lately!! I hope it's an indicator that 2015 is going to be really awesome for you :)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.