September 2019
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overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends

icon: "distance (two hands (from two people) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I've been so overwhelmed this week; social without a break and a lot of that social was stressful. Last night I had planned to read for class and write and LJ, but instead I just watched hour after hour of Netflix. I couldn't get myself to stop, until an hour past when I had intended to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure if the problem is meds-fail or emotional exhaustion or both. I hate it. But it helped to be uselessly absorbing for a while. I was able to finally do some necessary things today (bills and cleaning).

I went to my black feminisms class today which was really fantastic as usual; we talked about friendship and at one point, one of the professors asked everyone who wanted deep meaningful friendship to raise their hands. Everyone did. All but two of that class are people I think I'd like to be friends with. I wanted to ask people afterwards... even just one, but I couldn't do it. I left, and once I got to the parking deck I just started crying. I felt so useless and cowardly. I just can't initiate friendship in person: online is all I know how to do. I feel like someone who can't perform the most basic task of socializing. And I feel shamed because of the social attitude that online communication or online anything is inferior. So I don't want to make my inferior invitation to friendship.

Also I seem to always fail when I try to make friends. The only ones that have stuck are ones that reached out to me first. I have so many failed attempts. I'm not actually passive at starting friendship, I just fail constantly. I don't get it. Am I shit at choosing people? Or is there some quality that only exists if people initiate with me? Does no one take the way I initiate seriously? Or what? why can't I overcome this? maybe the strangeness is in the other direction, that I try to match or exceed the amount of effort the other has invested, but most people don't.

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pixiebelle ══╣╠══
Oh I know these feelings all too well. I can't make friends offline either. At work, I so badly want to be friends with a few of my co-workers, I think they're awesome. But I can't figure out how to make it happen. They get together outside work, text, ect and they all seem to like me well enough, but how do I get to the next step?

I wish I had the answers because I'd pass them on to you too. It's such a struggle.
wolfteaparty ══╣╠══
Ugh, I have the problem of wanting to befriend and feeling isolated from coworkers too, and wondering what their secret is when they go to happy hour, text each other, and hang out together off the clock! It's easy to feel like you're the only one and feel surrounded by people who easily make close friendships, but I think struggling to make friends is a common problem. It's so frustrating and saddening.
pixiebelle ══╣╠══
It really is frustrating, and something I've struggled with for so long. I really would like to make friends, but I'm socially awkward and so afraid of rejection/coming off like I'm a weirdo or something, that I tend to make excuses about it. I really wish it were easier for us!
belenen ══╣artless╠══
*nods* If I figure out something that works for me I will pass it on too. There are so many ridiculous social rules...
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.