May 2019
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overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends


icon: "distance (two hands (from two people) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I've been so overwhelmed this week; social without a break and a lot of that social was stressful. Last night I had planned to read for class and write and LJ, but instead I just watched hour after hour of Netflix. I couldn't get myself to stop, until an hour past when I had intended to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure if the problem is meds-fail or emotional exhaustion or both. I hate it. But it helped to be uselessly absorbing for a while. I was able to finally do some necessary things today (bills and cleaning).

I went to my black feminisms class today which was really fantastic as usual; we talked about friendship and at one point, one of the professors asked everyone who wanted deep meaningful friendship to raise their hands. Everyone did. All but two of that class are people I think I'd like to be friends with. I wanted to ask people afterwards... even just one, but I couldn't do it. I left, and once I got to the parking deck I just started crying. I felt so useless and cowardly. I just can't initiate friendship in person: online is all I know how to do. I feel like someone who can't perform the most basic task of socializing. And I feel shamed because of the social attitude that online communication or online anything is inferior. So I don't want to make my inferior invitation to friendship.

Also I seem to always fail when I try to make friends. The only ones that have stuck are ones that reached out to me first. I have so many failed attempts. I'm not actually passive at starting friendship, I just fail constantly. I don't get it. Am I shit at choosing people? Or is there some quality that only exists if people initiate with me? Does no one take the way I initiate seriously? Or what? why can't I overcome this? maybe the strangeness is in the other direction, that I try to match or exceed the amount of effort the other has invested, but most people don't.

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Comments
stock: lights garland
polvodestrella ══╣stock: lights garland╠══
I can relate to what you say in there. I have very few friends who I can call and hang out with, one of them is a friend of my childhood and the other is somebody I met here in LJ. The childhood friend lives here, but I don't really see her that often because she has kids and usually is busy with them (even if she made me the godmother of one of her kids so with that we see each other more often now), and the one I met online lives in another country so seeing each other is not that easy (even if we talk every day on skype, on the phone, etc).

But, like you, I have issues making friends. I don't really know when that started as when I was a kid I didn't have problems with that, but now I feel like everybody already have their groups of friends and that they're not open to new friendships, if that makes sense. And I feel awkward starting a conversation, like you say I feel like I have a lot of failed attempts, and I can't even tell why.

Is sad how true communication between persons has become such a rare thing...
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.