May 2019
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overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends

icon: "distance (two hands (from two people) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I've been so overwhelmed this week; social without a break and a lot of that social was stressful. Last night I had planned to read for class and write and LJ, but instead I just watched hour after hour of Netflix. I couldn't get myself to stop, until an hour past when I had intended to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure if the problem is meds-fail or emotional exhaustion or both. I hate it. But it helped to be uselessly absorbing for a while. I was able to finally do some necessary things today (bills and cleaning).

I went to my black feminisms class today which was really fantastic as usual; we talked about friendship and at one point, one of the professors asked everyone who wanted deep meaningful friendship to raise their hands. Everyone did. All but two of that class are people I think I'd like to be friends with. I wanted to ask people afterwards... even just one, but I couldn't do it. I left, and once I got to the parking deck I just started crying. I felt so useless and cowardly. I just can't initiate friendship in person: online is all I know how to do. I feel like someone who can't perform the most basic task of socializing. And I feel shamed because of the social attitude that online communication or online anything is inferior. So I don't want to make my inferior invitation to friendship.

Also I seem to always fail when I try to make friends. The only ones that have stuck are ones that reached out to me first. I have so many failed attempts. I'm not actually passive at starting friendship, I just fail constantly. I don't get it. Am I shit at choosing people? Or is there some quality that only exists if people initiate with me? Does no one take the way I initiate seriously? Or what? why can't I overcome this? maybe the strangeness is in the other direction, that I try to match or exceed the amount of effort the other has invested, but most people don't.

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jupitercornwall ══╣╠══
I grok this. It's easier to let people come to you and intitiate. If you put yourself out there, you risk being rejected, and no one wants that. If they are coming to you, then rejection is gone, and you can then flow into whatever the relationship is. Fear sucks, and feeling unable to move past the fear is even worse. I really really understand. You're weird, you're beautiful in an unconventional way, you're intense, and people don't like or don't know what to do with intense. You aren't vacant or vapid, and so other people can't relate.

You're afraid of them pushing you away from your reaching out, and that helps to make up you thinking that maybe you're shit at choosing people. Maybe you're "shit" at choosing people because you don't trust yourself, and so maybe you choose "bad" people on purpose, and therefore unconsciously reinforce that it's better when people reach out to you, safer, etc.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
for me it's not about rejection. I put myself out there all the time and get rejected at LEAST weekly; I'm comfortable with that. It's more that I fear making people feel pressured. If there is distance due to it being online, people can say no with WAY less difficulty than if it is in person. So I suppose my fear is about people not rejecting me even though they would like to.

But I know that fear is not worth avoiding it, because people can always cancel later if they're really not into it. The bigger fear is the one caused by ADD and social anxiety (which comes in with strangers, especially ones I meet in a 'professional' environment): the fear of not being able to string words together in a coherent way that actually expresses me. A friend who read this post suggested I make little cards to carry with me that explain my lack of ability and my interest in friendship, and I'm DEFINITELY going to do that, it's a perfect idea that fixes the problem and reduces it from impossible to difficult.
raidingparty ══╣╠══
Oh goodness... re-reading this entry, I was just thinking about how cards would reduce the response pressure, and here you are saying just that!
Spot on.
... I also have to admit I just like cards.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.