May 2019
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overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends

icon: "distance (two hands (from two people) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I've been so overwhelmed this week; social without a break and a lot of that social was stressful. Last night I had planned to read for class and write and LJ, but instead I just watched hour after hour of Netflix. I couldn't get myself to stop, until an hour past when I had intended to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure if the problem is meds-fail or emotional exhaustion or both. I hate it. But it helped to be uselessly absorbing for a while. I was able to finally do some necessary things today (bills and cleaning).

I went to my black feminisms class today which was really fantastic as usual; we talked about friendship and at one point, one of the professors asked everyone who wanted deep meaningful friendship to raise their hands. Everyone did. All but two of that class are people I think I'd like to be friends with. I wanted to ask people afterwards... even just one, but I couldn't do it. I left, and once I got to the parking deck I just started crying. I felt so useless and cowardly. I just can't initiate friendship in person: online is all I know how to do. I feel like someone who can't perform the most basic task of socializing. And I feel shamed because of the social attitude that online communication or online anything is inferior. So I don't want to make my inferior invitation to friendship.

Also I seem to always fail when I try to make friends. The only ones that have stuck are ones that reached out to me first. I have so many failed attempts. I'm not actually passive at starting friendship, I just fail constantly. I don't get it. Am I shit at choosing people? Or is there some quality that only exists if people initiate with me? Does no one take the way I initiate seriously? Or what? why can't I overcome this? maybe the strangeness is in the other direction, that I try to match or exceed the amount of effort the other has invested, but most people don't.

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kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
something I'm thinking about [always] is astrology. It's fairly typical of sun-in-aquarius to be somewhat solitary: content to have very few social interactions and very few people close to them: they can be the type who are so much in their head that have one intense partnership (usually their sexual/romnatic relationships) is all they need to feel pretty socially fulfilled.

that said, I don't know enough about sun in aquarians to look at patterns or be able to guess how it fits with your moon (which is where emotionally relating to people comes in) or know if it's a january/february thing, since most of the aquarians I know are january aquarians and you're a feb. You're really astonishingly social, compared to most aquarians I know, though it's often a struggle for them too, now that I think of it.

tl;dr: I wonder if there's something in your stars that would clarify your social interaction style. #nothelpful #butconsidering :)
belenen ══╣aquarius╠══
my moon is sag and my rising is gemini! I don't know anything about sag moon except that I get along well with fire moons, but rising in gemini is all about communication.

Honestly I think that it's more that I am more stubborn than most aquarians when it comes to making connections -- a lot of them just give up because people don't live up to their ideals. My chart is almost all fire and water, with mercury as my only earth and then my sun as air. I'm curious about this too, now.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
gemini rising!! Of course :) that can be attributed to a LOT of your curiosity and desire for clear communication-- I feel like I understand so much more about you just knowing that!! :D
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.