August 2019
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overwhelmed and ineffectual / cowardly and shit at making friends


icon: "distance (two hands (from two people) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I've been so overwhelmed this week; social without a break and a lot of that social was stressful. Last night I had planned to read for class and write and LJ, but instead I just watched hour after hour of Netflix. I couldn't get myself to stop, until an hour past when I had intended to go to sleep. I'm not entirely sure if the problem is meds-fail or emotional exhaustion or both. I hate it. But it helped to be uselessly absorbing for a while. I was able to finally do some necessary things today (bills and cleaning).

I went to my black feminisms class today which was really fantastic as usual; we talked about friendship and at one point, one of the professors asked everyone who wanted deep meaningful friendship to raise their hands. Everyone did. All but two of that class are people I think I'd like to be friends with. I wanted to ask people afterwards... even just one, but I couldn't do it. I left, and once I got to the parking deck I just started crying. I felt so useless and cowardly. I just can't initiate friendship in person: online is all I know how to do. I feel like someone who can't perform the most basic task of socializing. And I feel shamed because of the social attitude that online communication or online anything is inferior. So I don't want to make my inferior invitation to friendship.

Also I seem to always fail when I try to make friends. The only ones that have stuck are ones that reached out to me first. I have so many failed attempts. I'm not actually passive at starting friendship, I just fail constantly. I don't get it. Am I shit at choosing people? Or is there some quality that only exists if people initiate with me? Does no one take the way I initiate seriously? Or what? why can't I overcome this? maybe the strangeness is in the other direction, that I try to match or exceed the amount of effort the other has invested, but most people don't.

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Comments
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webgirluk ══╣pic#118113725╠══
I relate so well to this entry and is very me in the sense of struggling to make friends and can't seem to bridge the online and offline gap of things. Like you, I just can't seem to manage it offline in a class or at work or somewhere, only online where we speak through words communication, initially. Even then, it's still rarer to find real deep friends but easier than every day settings.

I find it fascinating that you get to attend the kind of class that would even cover a conversation such as this and awesome but as well, I know it is still hard. It makes me think certain kinds of people who join and many others felt as you did in the class, wanted to reach out, but could not make the leap deep down as it is hard even then. This is a sad idea, but there has to be an easier method for people to come together than there probably is right now.

I have often wondered on the initiate or be initiated with dynamic too and you have inspired me to make a post on this soon.
disconnected
belenen ══╣disconnected╠══
I think if not for the internet I might have just died of loneliness. I definitely would have stayed married to the only person who offered me connection. Whew, am I glad for the internet existing!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.