May 2019
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drained from all the things / speaking against trans erasure / need more SJ call to action / aunt KC

icon: "feminist(the trans-feminist fist symbol colored in a rainbow gradient, with the words "intersectional or bullshit" on top)"

I still fully intend to answer all of the prompts, but it is unlikely that they will all get answered this month *grimace* I'll just make my way through as I have time and energy. I've been dealing with a lot, particularly confusion and heartbreak-dread (that feeling where you are dreading heartbreak but have just enough hope that you can't resign yourself, ugh) as one of my friendships appears to be undergoing an intense and very unexpected change. Also homework has been heavy and I've had so. many. interactions that have taken a shitton of energy. I have met with biofamily FOUR TIMES, had at least four major conflicts with close friends, met two new people (who were both great, but meeting a new person always takes a PILE of energy) and attended two major public events where I got a lot of attention, all in the last three weeks. Last Saturday I participated in an event for the local chapter of One Billion Rising, where I spoke this (they wanted it close to tweet-length):

I'm rising for the transgender people who are hidden.
When you decide my gender based on how I look, you violate my identity.
Who I am is not decided by my body shape or my clothes.
Making assumptions based on the average erases those most vulnerable.

I at least managed to speak clearly, though my heart was beating so hard that it actually HURT and I felt shaky shaky shaky. I hate the feeling of adrenaline. But I was glad to be at that event partly because it was SO binary and SO trans erasing and me saying that ^ was SO needed. (those weren't the only issues) I felt a murmur of shock when I finished the first sentence, but Topaz told me that people applauded extra loud after (I was so out of it at that point that I had no idea), and several people came up to me and thanked me after. So at the least, they might be open to critique, and it was way better with regards to race and nationality than other reform-based feminist events I have witnessed.

Topaz shared with me their criticism of the event afterward, which was that there was no call to action. I heartily agree. I mentioned that those tend to come in the form of conferences rather than short events and Topaz said that shouldn't be the case, which kinda blew my mind with how fuckin true it is. You know what would be fantastic? a monthly meeting where all the SJ groups in the area come in and each share like a 15-minute blurb on what actions they are taking or planning and what their needs are for participation. Also, another monthly event that is just skill-sharing, people go and share solutions they have found and victories they have won or even recent victories they've heard of, or fuck, even old victories that have been erased from history. I could go to an event like that and get so much practical knowledge AND it would be so SO good for motivation, since I think the #1 motivation killer is the idea that we can't get anything done. People are getting shit done ALL AROUND us and also it is fucking insulting to the memory of people like Bayard Rustin and Sylvia Rivera for present-day people who care about social justice to refuse to use the tools of reform as well as the tools of revolution. VOTING MATTERS TOO.

I went to this event because of my aunt KC, who a week ago led a shared art project in my city that I also participated in. I really like KC -- I don't feel like I have to hide things, and they understand a lot of social justice issues already so they have the framework for me explaining more things. They're also open to learning from me, which I find to be rare in people who are a generation older than me. I feel upset with my parents for having not really allowed them to be part of my life, because I feel like we could be super close if my parents had invested in them like they invested in other people who were not critical of my parents (KC wasn't directly critical but would point out some of their bullshit). My number one problem with my parents is that they don't try to learn and grow, instead they flee from criticism. There could have been SO MUCH LESS SUFFERING if they had ever been willing to admit their ignorance and mistakes. Anyway.

So, KC is a professional artist who works for social and ecological justice. Last week we went to coffee for just a little while, and I showed them my fractals which they liked very much. I wish I had had more time with them, but I was so swamped that I really had no chance to spend more one-on-one time with them. I found out that there is ADD on my mom's side of the family too, which makes me want to get to know that person (I find that people with ADD tend to be people I like, which is annoying because they also tend to be people who are hard to connect with). I am not entirely sure how to build a relationship with KC now but I intend to.

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(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
*belated love back*
call_me_katya ══╣Cat╠══
I don't know much about the event you spoke at, but I'm so proud that you spoke out and that you got encouraging feedback afterwards. I'm not sure if your nerves were relating to the fact that you were public speaking, or the reaction you might get for the subject matter [or maybe both] but I am glad for you.
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
thank you *feels glowy*
antlered lady
meri_sielu ══╣antlered lady╠══
I am so proud of you for speaking out at this event in that manner, it must have been very hard but I am glad you were able to. I don't know if you read my LJ much but you might have read that my partner and I recently broke up because he (still using male pronouns atm and doesn't want to change them until he is more stable) has come out as transgender and needed to find himself alone. It's hurting me incredibly because I have been very much shut out but I understand and it's caused me to really look at my sexuality in a different way and to stand up for trans issues a lot more because of the problems we faced together while that choice was made. It's more important to me than ever that Trans issues are given the equality they deserve. So... well done you <3
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you <3
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
I'm SO GLAD for your words at OBR. All the press I was seeing about that a year or two back was about how horribly non-intersectional (and white saviour) it was and I've looked at it askance for those reasons this whole time. Your contribution is so perfect!

Also love your idea about regular meetings as calls to action and networking-- it gets gears turning in my mind. There was a local anarchist bookstore in avl that closed up shortly after I moved here, but it's opening up again and often used to have community space available for things like that. Hrmmm.

I hope you're able to find time to connect more deeply with KC. That sounds like it could be a really amazing relationship to have!!
belenen ══╣artless╠══
yesss, I want that to happen. I need to get my shit settled so I can be doing things like that!
zimtkeks ══╣╠══
Wow, that really sounds like a lot has been going on!

I think it's really great that you said what you said, despite all the adrenaline.

Why do you think it's hard to connect with people with ADD?
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
It's hard to connect deeply with people with ADD -- especially unmedicated -- because we have a hard time staying focused in time together, and we have a hard time making plans. It's worth it (most of my favorite people have some degree of ADD and I hope I'm worth it too), but it is difficult.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.