March 2019
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rune divination from Heather on finding romantic relationships, realizations & decisions

icon: "osculant (a photo of Hannah and I laying nude on dark fabric, facing each other with our bottom arms stretched toward the camera, hands overlapping, and our other arms entwined between us)"

A few weeks ago I was hanging out with Heather and they offered to do a rune reading for me. I was curious and agreed, and they told me to think of a question and then draw three runes. I did, and then they interpreted them for me. The first they said was about worth, perhaps material worth or self-worth. The second they said was about mysteries or magic, and that they associate it particularly with the vagina. The third was about success after a period of time (with nuances I have forgotten). They said that the first one is the source of the problem, the second is the solution, and the third is what will happen if you follow the solution. So then I told them that I had asked "how will I find my next romantic relationship?" and asked them to interpret again in light of that.

They then looked at the runes and laughed and said that the strongest impression they got was that I was asking the wrong question. I said that what I had sensed as they explained the first time was that my problem was in not having the resources as well as not believing in my worth, really. I felt the solution I was being told was to invest in my own magic, and that it would take time. Heather said that felt right. So I was like, HOW do I do that? And Heather told me to draw three more.

The first Heather interpreted as "you know what to do but you're resisting." They said I'm holding to a set of patterns that doesn't fit. Also, when this is near the next rune I pulled, it means ask for advice. The next one means prepare for harvest, implying a slow process. The third is firm indication that it is not time for new starts, that things are outside your control. Then I drew one more, don't remember why, and that one was "Isa" which means delay, wait for a better time.

This last set I felt was saying wait, wait, also wait some more, and let it come to you. And really, I feel I have learned that people who come to me end up being the ones who have strong positive impact, and when I chase people I just end up with wasted energy. Not everyone who comes to me is good for me, but everyone who is good for me has come to me. I know what actually works for me is to just focus on being as true to myself as possible, and staying open to people who reach out. I can't find them, I can only draw them.

Yet I was trying to find them because dammit, I thought I was ready. But also I was pushing myself because the longer I go dating just one person, the more I feel judged and rejected by poly people, and I wanted to escape that. I also just miss the kind of awareness that I only have when in multiple romantic relationships. But really, while I might be emotionally ready in one sense because I'm no longer dealing with squelching depression, I am overwhelmed with the multiplicity of things demanding my attention and adding another, no matter how lovely, would probably be a terrible idea. While I was disappointed, I was also relieved, and realized I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself and feeling bad because my efforts were failing and what if I never find anyone new who is awesome and why doesn't anyone want to date me etc.

Also, the fact that one of them suggested asking for advice made a lot of sense to me, because I am terrible at differentiating between potential and actuality and making decisions based on now. For instance, if a person is really amazing, but is so busy that we never see each other, I have a hard time deciding to not invest emotionally now. Or if a person really wants to build the skills I value, but isn't actually doing it or is doing it so slowly that it will be years before they have the skills that nourish me, I have a hard time moving on, or putting it on low priority. Heather and Topaz are both very good at evaluating those sorts of situations, and I think that if I had asked them for advice over recent years I would have saved myself a lot of unproductive energy drain.

This was definitely the most useful divination I've ever experienced. I felt a positive shift in myself after. I felt affirmed in the fact that I have been investing more in my own magic these past 3 months than I ever had in my life before. I feel comforted that I'm not lacking in new romance because there is something lacking in me. I feel inexplicably reassured that there are people who I could feel deep connection with who I have yet to meet. And I feel much better about the fact that I can't find people and have to wait for them to find me. I will still make small overtures when they feel right, but I'm not going to try to do "what everyone else does." And the energy that I was spending on trying to meet new people I am instead going to spend on my current friends.

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belenen ══╣aquarius╠══
judged by poly people. Where does that come from? What is it that leads you to believe you're being judged? Is it something you internalized somewhere or do you actually see evidence of that happening? What does it look like when it does?

It comes from evidence. From being literally referred to as monogamous, from being treated as not a potential romance, other things. I'm getting more immune to it, but it's definitely there.

Differentiating between potential and actuality: which are you more likely to see? Which is easier for you?

potential. That's why I need the advice on actuality from people I trust to grasp it.

Where does the desire to cultivate new connections rather than putting that same energy into cultivating current ones come from? Like, are there certain needs not being met or gaps in current relationships, or do you like the variety and newness of exploring a new connection, or...? I know we've talked about seeking kindred green hearts and heart connections, where in your current relationships do you feel fulfilled around that?

It comes partly from outside pressure to prove I'm poly. Partly it's from unmet needs. I try with my current folk first. it's not about variety and newness. I would prefer, always, to deepen an already-built connection. Sometimes that is just not possible because of time, or a mismatch of emotional location, etc. If I don't feel nourished in the ways I am looking for, I seek new people. And lastly I seek new people because I don't want to miss opportunities for deep connection. I always want to welcome in people I can connect with on heart, spirit, soul, mind, body.

what your culture consists of, like if you were to analyze it anthropologically or sociologically or whatever, what are some of its main attributes? How did it become a part of you? And to what extent do you feel like your current friends are part of that culture?

My close friends are my culture. Our culture is what we have deliberately built -- openness, honesty, working shit out, cuddles (mostly), nudity (mostly), creativity, nature, consent, self-awareness, expressing needs, deliberate consumption (mostly), social justice, helping when you can, sharing resources, shamelessness, thriftiness, genderfuckery, exploration, learning. It always was part of me and them, we just built it more solid together.

Extended friends belong mostly to the cultures of eclectic pagan, SJ academia, burner, artist, poly, stoner. Lots of overlap, but some exist in just one.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.