[written on sunday]This past week has been hugely full of activity, partly from school and partly from Anika's visit. I feel like I haven't had any down time in a month, BUT all my biggest assignments are now done and my spring break has officially started, so I'm hoping to spend a lot of time on art and writing and the various meaningful things that I have been putting off. Having Anika visit this week has been kinda perfect, because the experiences we've shared have been intensely nourishing and magical and so I am going into spring break more nourished than drained, which means it will actually be helpful.
Today was the second time it hasn't worked out for me to go to the Sikh chanting I've been wanting to experience, and my next chance is two weeks away. I'm disappointed but the unpredictable nature of the interruptions (alarm getting turned off by someone else one week, staying home to take care of a suddenly ill topaz the next week) make me feel like it was meant to happen that way.
Did I mention that my meds have been changed? The one I am on now is SO much more effective. I was thinking about adding buproprion back but now this one seems to be working fine. The psychiatrist seemed convinced that the old med and this one should affect me the same, but they clearly don't, even though this is a slightly lower dose, proportionately. It'll be nice to not need to change something every month.
Then Monday and today have been semi-productive but disappointing. I'm not quite sure what I was expecting of myself. I did get my room tidy, go through my wardrobe and remove the stuff that I don't actually wear and bag it for donation, hang up my rainbow drip lights from Topaz, final-edit one fractal and create another, and do a little general house cleaning, but good grief, it's so little stuff for so much time. I guess I was more wiped out than I realized. Every obligation that comes up I want to shove away with a red-hot poker. I don't feel able to be there for anyone, which makes me feel shitty. I don't know what it would take for me to actually feel rested.
I think I need to stay off of facebook, for one, that sucks so much out of me. People are constantly shitty, stabbing me with slurs and being racist and sexist and etc. I am not sure how to reduce my use while still being able to use all the good bits (events and keeping up with the few who don't say awful things). Just realized a that I should make a custom reading list for when I can't deal... and in making it, realized that there are a multiplicity of ways that people are exhausting. The one that sticks out the most is when people use slurs or express oppressive ideas, but ugh. Maybe I'm just tired of people.
sick and tired of being overwhelmed. I had a pile of things planned tomorrow and just stripped them down to barest minimum. I have got to get to a better place this week because next week starts the grind again!
I'm SO BLOODY FUCKING VOMITSUCKING SCREAMSCRATCHING GRUMPY UGH. Tomorrow, be better. I mean it.