December 2017
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failure w ex-partner / need to know true feelings esp negative


icon: "tenebrous (a dark, orangey photo of me in a heart-crushed moment, looking down, tear-streaked face.)"

I had a weird experience today where I was failing at words and logic, getting lost. Usually that kind of fail is ADD meds related and that had a little to do with it as I took my meds really early and forgot to break the pill in half and save the second half for the afternoon. But then I got disproportionately upset and suddenly realized I was projecting and trying to rescue my friend from my own fate, not theirs. My failure with my ex-partner in transitioning from monogamy to polyamory apparently still hurts. I really thought I was over it. I did everything I could and I really couldn't have tried harder, but it wasn't enough because when it came down to it my ex just didn't want to. We practiced poly for two years before we broke up, but they didn't actually try to change their thinking or understand me, they just avoided thinking about it and lived in denial - possible, because my relationships were all long-distance. They told me they were okay with it and even happy for my happiness but it wasn't true, as they told me later. Once they stopped being able to pretend, that was the end. They dumped me by starting to date someone else (while we were still supposedly together) and deciding to be monogamous with that person.

My greatest fear in relationships is that someone will pretend to be okay with something and not actually be okay with it. Pretend to love all of me and really just be tolerating parts of me or pretending them away. When I say greatest fear, I mean I'd rather someone get furious with me, be cruel to me, and dump me. I'd rather they express any possible negative feeling about any part of me rather than pretend like or indifference.

This is why it is so important to me that my close friends be willing and able to tell me when I upset them in any way, or when they don't like something about me, and be honest with me when they don't care one way or the other about an aspect of me or things that are important to me.

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Comments
slinkslowdown ══╣[[Lelouch]] Conscience╠══
You articulate so many things that before I read them, I didn't know they applied to me. But once I've read them, I realize they've always been something I've needed.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
*love and empathy*
zimtkeks ══╣╠══
I totally understand what you mean, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I'm afraid many people aren't able to openly admit what they don't like about someone, let alone someone who means a lot to them. They don't just keep it a secret, they don't even realize it, at least from my experience.
I wish there were more people who reflect on themselves and others regularly and communicate about it. I could live with them being rather blunt about it if only I could get that kind of honesty.
I'm very glad to have a close friend who is like that. (Not blunt, they even think about how to say things. ;-) These people are so hard to find!
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
yes, the not-realizing is why I need my people to be self-aware too. That was my biggest mistake with my ex-partner, for sure.
raidingparty ══╣╠══
Lots of thoughts about this one. I can see someone saying, "X is okay", and then later it's not okay but not wanting to contradict oneself; whether for lack of experience in X and not knowing whether it's okay or not, or knowing it's not okay but wanting to keep the relationship and needing to acquiesce, or factors changing to make it not okay.

More on lack of experience and intersection with relationships. There are over a hundred possible kinks listed on FetLife; I'm guessing in the 500-1000 range. I've barely scratched the surface. I've generally been content in my relationships, so I haven't had the explicit need to explore all options. That ended up being a problem some time ago, someone was angry with me for not being willing to say I knew I wasn't interested in polyamory. I was (and am still) curious, but never explicitly looking for it because I never knew whether I wanted it or not.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
I can empathize with all the reasons to not tell someone you aren't okay with something, but outright telling them that you ARE okay with it when they check in is just lying and I don't empathize with that. That's part of why I check in, because it is a lot easier to answer a question than it is to bring up something painful. I just have to be able to trust that if I ask, I'm going to get an honest answer. And with the people I get really close to, I need to trust that they're going to work on their fear and tell me as soon as they can if I don't happen to check in.
meri_sielu ══╣╠══
You've nailed it. This too has been my experience many, many times... we feel the same. <3
darkestgarden ══╣╠══
it's perhaps my biggest fear too. to think that they could pretend to be happy and satisfied so easily but think and feel otherwise. that seems to me a very deep level of deception.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.