November 2018
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new job / first Zikr / nervous about school stuff

icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

[stressed about job]starting a new job Wednesday (technically tomorrow) which I have been quite stressed about for several reasons -- I don't know what I'll actually be doing (they're gonna train me) and I had to set up an orientation which was very scary because I find bureaucracy, talking on the phone, and deadlines all terrifying and I had to deal with all of them. Also I ended up having to call five times because I kept getting dumped into dead-end transfers. Still have a ton of paperwork and hoops to jump through *scared frown*

And I went to a Sufi Zikr for the first time this Sunday. It wasn't what I expected (we met in someone's home and most of the attendees were white) but I enjoyed it and I felt hyper-aware of people's reactions to me. I couldn't get fully into it because the energy of the place was distracting. I felt like there was something behind me, possibly because it was a home and I may have felt presences who live there who were not introduced. But the chanting was really beautiful and I always appreciate being around people who feel genuine devotion, and I felt a connection to the source of life in that room. I felt included and very appreciative of that -- even the person I felt the most resistance from made an attempt to express understanding (talking about how their teenage kid taught them about trans people and using people's preferred pronouns). I think that unless I can find a person to carpool with I won't attend further except remotely, because it is just too much of a drive.

I want to attend a Sikh Kirtan service and hope to do that this Friday. It's been on my intentions list for months now but I just haven't had the extra energy.

I should have been asleep already... so nervous about orientation and dealing with making my minors official tomorrow. Heather is coming with me for the latter because I have found it so worrisome that I keep putting it off forever. I'm relieved that it's going to get done but SO stressed because one of the gatekeepers seems to have become massively uncomfortable with me and will no longer make eye contact or small talk with me. I fear having to talk to them.

I'm way too easily overwhelmed.

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stray_infinity ══╣rorschach╠══
(I love the shade of purple in the comment background)

If you feel way too easily overwhelmed, try this: ask yourself if the stress will be worth it. Most often people stress about something that they truly care about and have personally chosen to undertake (save for deaths, car crashes, etc). If you think, after a considerable amount of time and effort, that the stress isn't worth it, look elsewhere. If you just need a buddy to talk to during your stressful journey, I love to talk :).
wanderipity ══╣╠══
Just want to respond here saying that Im happy to come across your comment, I needed it.
stray_infinity ══╣╠══
It brings me happiness and chills knowing that I was able to influence you, a complete e-stranger, in a positive way :). Good luck!
wanderipity ══╣╠══
Sufi Zikr. Thats honestly really interesting.
rockingthemike ══╣╠══
i'm sure everything with the new job will sort itself out in the end. just remember to breathe through the stress and the negative moments. :)
call_me_katya ══╣Cat╠══
I suspect, if I described that chain of events [the bureaucracy and the phone calls] to most people then most would find them, if not overwhelming, certainly stressful. I know I would be very stressed and just want to switch off from it, but would feel unable to switch off. But! On the hopeful side, learning can be exciting. This training could be fun and could be something you take to right away. The employers certainly thought so, which is why they chose you!

I'm glad you felt included and connected during the Sufi Zikr and it was a great step to go out there and try it! Sorry it's a little far from you, but now you've made connections with people you may be able to locate one closer to home, or else now that you've ruled it out for distance reasons you can concentrate on your intention to attend the Kirtan.

I'm not sure what making minors means, but I wish you luck with the day, as you have a lot to achieve. You can do it!
eristic_writer ══╣╠══
Congratulations on the new job! What is it? where is it? What will you be doing?

I'm curious how you feel about concerns about cultural appropriation vis a vis sufism. Particularly given that most of the participants were white, I wonder how many of them have meaningful ties to the larger Islamic community, as compared to how many simply see Sufism as one of many "products" on their religious shopping list.

Not passing judgment at all; I wasn't there, so I don't know. Just curious how you feel about it.
erinfondue ══╣╠══
omg, yes, I hate bureaucratic-jobby-hoop-jumping things. So much anxiety.

Good luck with everything.

The sufi zikr experience is intriguing.
kiwi ══╣╠══
Congrats on the new job! :D

(My sympathies on the hoop jumping.)
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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.