May 2019
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feeling urges for friend changes / intimacy practice planning / bad dreams / relationship updates

icon: "exuviate (photo of a dragonfly with shimmery green wings after its last metamorphosis, standing next to its previous exoskeleton)"

I haven't felt fully seen by someone other than Topaz in a long time and I yearn for that. I don't know if I'm just bad at sharing or if most people have to feel romantic to actually try to see someone or if people just plain don't do it. I keep running into people who don't reciprocate or who want me to rescue them or who are just flat-out unavailable. I'm feeling strong urges for a friends overhaul. Not ending any friendships, but re-sorting all my priorities and finding some new people. Not that there ever are new people when I look. I'm feeling pretty fatalistic about it.

And the amount of effort it takes with every person, ugh. Can't I just have ONE easy friend who initiates at least 50% of the time? I think things are better generally on that front, but if I stopped initiating (yes, recurring plans that I set up count as me initiating, especially if I have to remind and organize) I think most of my friendships would drop off. And it's all understandable and I'm not upset at anyone in particular, but I want to feel like I'm not the only one trying to build something. I think most people I am close with just don't have the time/energy/interest to do more than maintain. Why am I trying to build when the other is just trying to maintain? That's not balanced and I need to fuckin quit it, I'm only making myself unhappy.

I have gotten quite annoyed with everyone about planning intimacy practice lately because no one fucking helps. We have had to move the regular day two months in a row and it is like pulling teeth getting people to respond. Don't just say "nope that doesn't work" and not offer another option! UGH! This is at least as much for everyone else as it is for me but no one takes responsibility. I don't mind leading most of the time but I do mind having to do it or lose it. And I mind the collection of people being kept as-is, especially with the lack of shared effort (just realizing this now).

These feelings might be the cause of or partially because of my dreams lately. I had one dream where this local casual friend was just plain mean to me, and another where I had a birthday gather and all of my friends came, but they chose a table that was long and narrow and put me at one end of it and no one talked to me. I felt hurt at first that they chose a table that showed that they weren't thinking about what would nourish me, and then I felt way more hurt when they refused to change it (the restaurant we were at had circular tables too) and just started ignoring me to talk to each other. Normally a dream like this only comes when I have consciously felt ignored, which I haven't, so I feel confused and distressed by it. Dream symbol meanings:

Being in a restaurant indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.
To see a round table in your dream indicates evenness, sharing, cooperation, equal rights and opportunities for all. It also symbolizes honesty, loyalty, and chivalry.
To dream that you are lying on a table indicates your need for nourishment and relaxation. It relates to health concerns and anxieties about your well-being. (I did lay on the table at one point)
To see a table in your dream represents social unity and family connections. If the table is broken, wobbly or not functional, then it suggests some dissension in a group. It may also refer to a sense of insecurity. Perhaps there is something you cannot hold inside any longer and need to bring it out in the open.
To dream about your birthday denotes acceptance of yourself. You are celebrating who you are and coming to terms with who you are as a person.
To dream that your birthday was forgotten suggests that you are feeling lonely, overshadowed, and under-appreciated.
Dreaming that you are having a bad or horrible birthday indicates some sort of regret.

This is also true of some LJ friends. I usually don't mind when people rarely comment, but there are some people I was hoping to build with who just aren't showing any interest. Should I take them off? But that means there is no chance. Should I stop emotionally investing until I can tell if they're ever going to give back? That usually means that nothing will happen. I dunno.

On the positive side, Allison has been reaching out a lot more and I feel like we are really building on our friendship. Sadly they're also terribly busy so I feel like the pace kinda has to stay slow (like, 1-2x a month). Heather has been awesome but I also feel really weird about them? I don't understand why but I keep meaning to bring it up so here's a placeholder. Kylei I have been feeling really positively about lately and last time I hung out with them it was incredibly sweet and nourishing but our plans keep getting cancelled and I feel helpless about it, especially since I only feel nourished when we hang out at my place or theirs because we don't seem to be able to really be fully present otherwise. Jaime has incidentally hung out with me several times recently and I have really felt pleased about their company but I feel slightly weird about them too. I am just now realizing this. Elizabeth has invested lots in building with me and I feel happy and hopeful about that but also frustrated because they live so far away. Hannah actually has randomly messaged me several times in the past few weeks and I feel tentatively hopeful that we might be able to have a videochat. Anika I've been feeling weird about for a week or two. We had a talk but nothing got settled really and then I upset them the other night with some careless miscommunication and I apologized and explained but they didn't respond so that's in limbo too. Abby I never hear from. Anita came in town and didn't tell me ahead of time and I had plans and couldn't see them, which made me feel awfully forgotten and unimportant. I would have moved so many things around to spend time with them. I guess I'm feeling a vast majority of uneasy or disconnected. It doesn't help that last IP was more than a month ago because the mid-month one didn't get planned, and that one was a tiny one.

Last weekend while drunk I messaged a casual friend about becoming closer friends and they didn't respond and now I feel painfully embarrassed about it (actual tears of embarrassment) but I'm trying to remind myself that it is something my truest self would absolutely have done so I should be proud of myself. That's just one of those things that either goes shockingly well or shockingly badly, usually. This is a weird not-really-either as far as I can tell.

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queerbychoice ══╣╠══
As drunk messaging goes, that sounds very not worth feeling embarrassed about. Sometimes people don't respond to things, but that doesn't mean you should be ashamed of having made the offer.

People in general are difficult to get close to. When I encounter this, I try to remember that I also am often difficult for people to get close to. This makes it a bit easier to understand why other people would be this way. Surely there must be people who've tried to get close to you at various points in your life and you just weren't up for it?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
that is true, I should remember that I can be difficult for people to get close to. Thanks <3
jayson_11 ══╣╠══
It's an awful feeling when you feel like you invest more then what is given in return. Especially with people that supposed to be your "friends".
I can relate to exactly how you feel. Often I have friends that I have known for years tell me that they are too busy. This is unacceptable to me because I am NEVER a difficult person to to spend time with. I make sure I always have adequate time for friends.
I hope that things work out for you.

Last Unicorn
wolfteaparty ══╣Last Unicorn╠══
People telling me that they're "too busy" is what has caused many of my friendships to be strained or dissipate into thin air, too. The "too busy" problem has been a huge contributing factor to the social isolation I am facing today. It just hurts, and it makes me wonder if that many people are really so "busy" that they can't even spend time with their friends. I've been busy too... I've worked six days a week, overtime, but even then I could have spared some time to be with a friend. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It seems that one-sided friendships are just a common problem all around.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
wolfteaparty ══╣╠══
jayson_11 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
fayriekisses ══╣╠══

I've been feeling the same urge to make new friends, but I don't even know where to start. Where do I look? How do I find other people who are looking to make friends too? And i am looking for full time friends, not part time. I have shy tendencies so being aggressive about it is hard for me. :/

belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I have always failed when I try to do it on purpose. The annoying truth is that the only thing that has ever worked for me is to be as "ME" as I can be, as publicly as I can do it, and then pay attention to who is drawn in and see if I click with them.
callmebee ══╣╠══
I think making friends as an adult is one of the most difficult things a person can do.

It's easy as a child/teen because, first of all, there are so many opportunities. School, clubs, etc. Plus, in the long run, those people don't actually matter all too much. Childhood friendships are. . . shallow? I'm having a hard time saying what I mean. Because it isn't shallow, it's the knowledge that this person is here to play now, whether you really like them or not, so you might as well play.

As an adult, I think there's less joy in friendships based only on play. Friendships like that can be wonderful and invigorating, but they do not sustain the spirit.

I was so lucky to find my job. SO LUCKY. We call it donut destiny, because I have never felt so deeply connected to such a large group of people before. It's beautiful.

Also, sort of a side note, I was thinking today about people's universes orbiting each other. Like. . . I've always wanted to reach out and be closer to you, but something always held me back. Shyness maybe? Fear that I'd be rejected by someone I think is really awesome? I don't know. Most of the time I chalked it up to timing though. Universes of people who are meant to know each other often circle, and circle, and circle. . . Until the gradual variations of each person's vibrations finally bring them closer. I kind of feel that way right now. I really appreciate all the comments you left the other day, it felt so good to read them all. So, thank you for that :o)

I really want to join in on a Truth or Truth. I think after the June I'll have a little more free time. Until then, I'm just gonna keep reading your journal, and now that I know you actually want to make friends (or become better friends?) and I don't feel so intrusive (which doesn't come from you, I'm fearful of crossing boundaries and saying the "wrong thing"), I'll comment more :o)
fragbert ══╣╠══
...I don't feel so intrusive (which doesn't come from you, I'm fearful of crossing boundaries and saying the "wrong thing")...

This is exactly how I feel as well.
freshwaterdame ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
darkestgarden ══╣╠══
what is the best way for a non-local friend to initiate/develop a deeper relationship with you? i seem to recall that you don't like email very much for that? (correct me if i'm wrong.)
belenen ══╣artless╠══
The best way for me depends on where we're at? it can be posting on LJ regularly and commenting, or sometimes emailing (but I can be very bad at timing on that if it's not a simple message), and if we're at a comfort level with it, scheduled chats either on google hangouts or IM.
fragbert ══╣╠══
I usually don't mind when people rarely comment, but there are some people I was hoping to build with who just aren't showing any interest.

Two things to consider:

1. Your reader may be going through a period when even reading LJ, let alone commenting on others' entries or posting entries of their own, is next to impossible due to any number of things, like physical inability, emotional distance, or plain exhaustion. LJ is a leisure activity for many people, and we only have so many leisure minutes during the day to devote.

2. Personally, I read everything that my LJ friends choose to share, but I only comment if/when I have something relevant and constructive to add to the entry and related conversation. I would rather be known as the guy who does that, than the guy who comments to every single entry with trite platitudes or (even worse) nothing but "hugs". That's just creepy.

My suggestion is to let the people know that you're interested in building something with them. Being up front about your needs, wants, and desires is always preferable to keeping them to yourself, regardless of the outcome.
belenen ══╣ADD-PI╠══
I understand these things and I agree that being up front about needs, wants, and desires is preferable. I get hesitant when I don't know them well enough to tell if we'd get on at a more intimate level, because I don't want them to go out of their way only for me to realize that we don't actually click. Honestly if I am 100% sure that I want to know them and want to be close, I nearly always tell them. I say nearly because I may have forgotten someone, but I can't remember ever NOT telling someone I wanted to be close if I felt sure I wanted to.
freshwaterdame ══╣╠══
I was having a conversation with an old friend the other day about how drained I feel all the time and how making new friends seems like so much work and I don't know when exactly that happened.

I remember loving to make new friends and getting to know people was exciting. Now it seems like work.

The more I think about, it's because the I've found that once you really put the time and energy in to getting to know someone and creating a bond, you find out they aren't the person I thought they were.

lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
I don't know you but I love friendships that get started in a fun way without the work. I'm like this little kid that doesn't get the way adults fuck up and complicate things. Let's just play!
freshwaterdame ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
kiwi ══╣╠══
There is nothing more frustrating than putting a lot of effort into making a plan and having everyone bail on you. Nothing. I have a friend who would say something like "let's have a get together in three days!" and everyone on earth would show up and meanwhile I would plan for weeks and nothing. So I feel for you.

I also get the feelings of embarrassment that you put yourself out there and get nothing in return (re: drunk texting) but if there is one thing I have learned at this point in life - nothing ventured, nothing gained. I know that's easy to say and much more difficult to LIVE...

I hope things turn around for you.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
My brother is one of these people. He will throw a BBQ two nights in a row and have half the town show up for the first night, and the other half the second night. I plan for half a year and I get FOUR PEOPLE that don't even show up at the same time, so it's me and one person sitting across from me going "... yup."
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
There is so much here that I relate to even more deeply than I thought I might. I just told a friend about a wish for more closeness too. That's such a hard awkward thing to do, but why not just put it out there.. own my truth... I long for greater closeness with all my friends, it seems like most of us are wanting more closeness not more distant so why does the world seem so reluctant to go there? There's that part of me that's not afraid to go anywhere.
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
Also it's the hardest thing feeling that if I didn't initiate most of my friendships would fall away. Kind of depressing. How to keep the faith with it?
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
Also a friend made several sort-of requests for closeness before I actually realized I had energy to do that. I might not immediately expect that a response is desired. I might just take it as an expression of caring. There are lots of reasons for not getting a response but the hardest thing is when I'm like, okay, I'm gonna take a step to get closer to what I'm wanting here and the other person gives neither yes nor no but a riddle. Like I haven't spoken what I'm desiring clearly enough. And then I don't know how to express what I'm asking for because my initial attempt that I thought was so clear elicited other than a yes or no.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gamine╠══
My thing is that it really doesn't bother me at all on an individual level, it just gets to me when it is everyone at once for an extended time, because that gets exhausting for me. I feel like this sounds like a contradiction but it really isn't, I just don't know how to explain it better.

I also would love a deeper relationship with you but don't know of a method that would work for both of us! I am really happy and nourished by sharing posts and comments with you here though *love*
wanderipity ══╣╠══
I am quite glad I came across your post. You pretty much explained what I had been feeling lately, and how I desire friendships.

Last weekend after drinking, apparently there was a video of me rolling on top of a pool table and saying a lot of shit about friendship. Haha.

PS: I haven't commented properly on your comments to me, but it helped make relationships decisions I have now.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I'm happy that my comments helped!
eristic_writer ══╣╠══
I relate to so much of this, so just a bit of reassurance that it's not you, and you're not alone. It breaks my heart that you feel embarrassed about asking a friend for more connection, though; I think it's a wonderful and brave thing to do, and it's pretty shitty of that person to just ignore your message. Maybe they didn't receive it? Or didn't know how to respond?
feladrone ══╣╠══
I wish I had some advice for you, but honestly, I have the exact same problem myself. Usually I'm too shy to initiate, which doesn't really help anything.

"Last weekend while drunk I messaged a casual friend about becoming closer friends and they didn't respond and now I feel painfully embarrassed about it (actual tears of embarrassment)"

Reading this broke my heart a little. Don't feel embarrassed :( I don't know what the situation is like exactly, but to me it seems a little bit rude not to even respond.
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.