May 2019
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Blah blah work busy brain fried

icon: "garrulous (a photo of my lips with my skin desaturated and a green fractal overlay over my lips)"

I feel like I've been busy forever ugh. I really just wish I could stay home for a week. I am only scribbling out something short before I go to bed. Last night I felt I didn't have enough time so I stayed up late and regretted it. This morning in the first 3 hours of work I just kept fantasizing about sleep and felt time would never pass. I eventually hooked in to some hyperfocus and the rest of the work passed quickly. Then I got gas and groceries, came home and made a smoothie with a shitton of kale, did laundry, read LJ. I feel like I did nothing because I didn't create, which is what I crave. I also felt weak and my heart was fluttery all day. At least, I think that is what that feeling is. It's  like when you almost fall, but milder and only in my upper chest. It's been happening a few times lately but today was the first time it happened most of the day. It was really uncomfortable.

Yeah I guess that's it, gotta sleep.

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lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
It makes me happy when you post even if it's just scribbles before bed.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
aw, thanks!
stray_infinity ══╣╠══

I think weakness and a fluttery heart indicates anxiety mixed with some exhaustion, and by your description of your busy week it does sound like you haven't had time to unwind and breathe. Do you believe in meditation or physical release - be it exercise, self-medicating masturbation, etc? Getting the blood flowing could keep you feeling alive :)

I have something I want to post in response to your sensuality and sexuality entry that I think may excite you (in a number of ways, if you enjoy reading sexual details). And if I may be blunt with my feelings, I also was anxious all week to see an entry from you or talk to you in some capacity. I relate to you and one of my other LJ friends the most, and the livelihood of my friends' LJ activity is...not too lively. I should probably get into the habit of telling people when I crave interaction with them. I think I fear rejection or looking desperate/stupid or something. You know, those pesky fears.

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I was practicing meditation regularly for a while and this new job threw me off-schedule and I haven't found another time that I can stick to (which is the only way I make it happen). I'm gonna try to get back to that.

Reading sexual details is something I sometimes enjoy, but in a purely intellectual way.

I'm happy to know you enjoy my entries so much!
caseyj ══╣╠══
Ugh.. those days are the worst. I've come to cherish every moment of shut eye I can get now.. but it comes with the feelings that I'm giving up on the fun part of life. The being creative time... taking time out for me time..

And then, just like you said.. you challenge yourself and then you regret it the next day. For me, I always get a twitch behind my left eye that just pulses... and that is always a sign that tells me that I did not get enough rest.

I hope you catch up on some sleep and get some energy! :)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks for the well-wishes!
kiwi ══╣╠══
There are days when I wish we had more than 24 hours in a day. Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. Hopeful for peace for you sooner rather than later.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
me too! thanks.
Red eyes
call_me_katya ══╣Red eyes╠══
I hope a time in which you can rest and recharge comes up for you soon, and that you know exactly when it is. I find if I know when my rest day is going to be it gives me hope, and something to... not aim for, but the knowledge that I don't have to expend energy after a certain point is a huge relief to me.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
That's really true for me too, but unfortunately I can't really predict it because a lot of it has to do with how people around me are feeling :-[

thanks for the well-wishes <3
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.