August 2019
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too many variations to out myself in a sentence / wordweaving & thought remodeling are central to me

icon: "queer (the Transcending Boundaries logo with the words "genderfree, queer, + trans / never a 1 or 0" overlaid on it)"

I realized as I filled out the national trans survey that the reason why I don't explain my gender to people more often is that I have too many variations from the default that would need explaining, and I don't want to center gender in my identity. Also I don't really have a gender so much as a negation of gender, and few binary people can even grasp the outside edges of that.

But far more central to my identity is wordweaving and thought remodeling: ethical use of language and concepts. I don't use slurs and it hurts me to have them used by others. I avoid oppressive language and coercive language and seek to listen and balance voices. I self-educate constantly. I dismantle stereotypes and problematic expectations in my own mind. This doesn't 'count' as an identity but more than anything else it separates me from others.

So many of the cheap and temporary yet useful bridges people build over difference or distance are made with language and concepts I would consider toxic or evil. "those cr*zy id*ots" implies "you and I belong together and are better than those other people who do not belong." I cannot accept bonding over oppressive ideas so when most of the people around me are feeling jovial and affirmed as belonging, I'm feeling a painful reminder that nowhere is safe and I don't belong and if I assert my needs I won't even have the sense of almost-belonging. Instead of having people who can work with me clumsily, I will have nothing, or worse I will have to be around people who feel the need to make everything harder for me.

There are, I'm sure, more important things to change, but the single change that would make me feel like I could actually belong in this world would be if people would stop using oppressive, coercive language. (not that that change could be separated from other change in reality) How lucky am I that this is the thing that causes me the most pain. Other people have to deal with fear of literal death and I just live with fear of words. Nonetheless it gets to me. There is no escape.

I used to deal with bodily self-loathing that was pervasive and ruled my every action. But that hurt less than this. At least with that I could wear certain things and stand certain ways and feel like I had some protection. There is no protection from this and no way to predict who will just fling out slurs. Even with the most justice-minded groups there are almost always ableist slurs. And it's so much more painful coming from someone I want to trust.

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kehlen ══╣grief╠══
"those cr*zy id*ots" implies

I don't know the proper word for it, "estrangement" perhaps, but it really hurts when people you know laugh at certain groups as a whole, and imply that the group are id*ots. And when other present immediately join into that laughter that means estrangement, that means separation: "we are not them" (we are better than them). It's like the group of people that does it are marching to some horrendous tune, and it's difficult and scary to try and make your voice be heard over it, and cowardly not to. And knowing that even if you try to stop the laughter they will likely look at you as some weirdo and not really hear you.

I think I have said the same thing you did in different words.
zirochka ══╣╠══
the more education one gets, the less equals in this respect one sees around. do most people know what oppressive language is? i don't think so. rather than judging by what someone said, i prefer considering their intent. even if the words come as hurtful, i make a step farther to investigate the intent and then decide on my reaction to those words. for me, revoking my trust from someone is easy compared to learning to communicate at the level of that person. but... i don't always have mental resources for that, so trust might be lost anyway.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.