Belenen (belenen) wrote,

Feel bad about not writing / utter failure at making friends / SDS

icon: "pensive (my face at a 3/4ths angle, looking down, with a pensive expression. I am wearing a dark purple glitter goatee, and behind me is a sunny forest.)"

October 2:
I feel alienated from myself due to not writing. There's just so much going on all the time and I crave rest and feel like I never get any time. I start writing something on my phone, get halfway or even 90% done and stall. Yet I have been so productive in some ways. I've been doing things that are hard and scary for me. I've been keeping up with my heavy reading load, plus reading some extra. I've made two chokers and a pair of earrings, completed a very involved spiritual tool, worked on my forest crown, and completed an artwork for Kylei (a wall scroll with adjectives for the qualities I love most about Kylei). I just feel like I have no time for writing because I'm always either busy or brain-fried.

October 8:
Dreamed that I met and fell in love with a tall gangly black transwoman and woke up sad that they don't exist.

I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about this but I'm crushed about how incapable I am of making friends in-person. I don't know if I got worse or if I just never felt a desire to try before. I literally feel incapable. I sit there and try to push myself to talk to someone and nothing comes out. Yet I can make easy conversation with strangers whom I don't feel a desire to befriend. Maybe I'm just burnt from all my fails at making in-person friends. I don't really understand why it feels like such a giant need. I have Topaz and Kylei and Heather -- all local, meaningful, mature, nourishing connections. It's maybe not that I need more people but just that I need to be able to talk to people and I feel cut off when I can't. It's hard when I can't talk to people because they're full of terrible ideas but it's actually worse when they're not terrible and I just can't get my brain or mouth or anything to go. I really do have to make cards or else I don't think I will get past this.

How's this: "I'm terrible at initiation with interesting strangers but I would like to have a conversation if you wanna answer one of these questions [3 interesting questions] - or ask me anything!"
"I'm terribly awkward, hi! I would like to have a conversation...[same finish as previous]"

Godde I'm ridic.

It also hurts my feelings every single time that no one thinks I am interesting enough to initiate a conversation with me. They talk to each other so clearly some of them are curious enough about each other. What is wrong with me? Do I radiate some negative vibe or just seem unapproachable? I really wish I knew.

In better news, I did get the talk on spiritual appropriation done for Sex Down South and it inspired useful conversation though I don't think most people liked it. I think two or three people liked it, at least 3 disliked it, and the other 5 or 6 didn't say much. There was a white yoga teacher who spoke in a way I found confusing, so I'm not entirely sure what they were saying but as I was critiquing the whole idea of a white yoga teacher I can't imagine they liked it. I hope everyone at least went away considering how they consume if not how they practice. I'm gonna do some edits before TBC, definitely want to add more quotes and probably set up a slideshow to illustrate (which I will describe as each image comes up).

Also Topaz is going with me to TBC this year, which is exciting and hugely relieving. I have a project payment from work that should go to other things but it isn't, because skipping TBC is way worse than a broken fridge.
Tags: communication / words, fear / insecurity, friendship, pain, social justice / feminism

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