September 2019
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feeling undesirable/unimportant due to lack of friends (except odd squad) & lack of group connection

icon: "tenebrous (a shadowy orange-light photo of my face, looking down, with an achingly sad expression)"

Yesterday was so terrible. I cried at work, multiple times, then cried when I got home and cried more later when I went to Topaz'. My eyes hurt and I cried so hard I was hyperventilating.

I got so overwhelmed with sadness after it hit me that all these people who I had been counting on (because they said yes) to come to my graduation party hadn't. I counted them up: 15. 4 biofamily and 11 friends. I felt so undesirable and unimportant. No one wants to spend time with me, even if I give advance notice and offer alcohol. Even if they have the pressure of having already said they would. And I know that some people had family stuff come up. But it is completely illogical to think that all 11 actually couldn't make it. I felt embarrassed and bad for the one person besides Odd Squad (Topaz, Heather, Kylei) who did show up because no one else was there. I have a birthday party planned (my birthday is a week away) but I am pretty sure it will be just odd squad... I'm so tempted to delete the event to spare myself the embarrassment. I don't know why I haven't yet.

I feel like I have become unlikeable and unimportant, someone who is not worth time or effort. I haven't made a new friend (at least not one who is actually available) in more than three years. People haven't been coming to my gatherings for at least a year. I don't know what the fuck happened to me to make me so unappealing (I suspect that it is at least partly because I have lost social capital due to being more outspoken and militant about justice as well as more fat and with boring hair) but I'm in a pit of despair about it.

I have been telling myself that my luck has to change soon - I have been telling myself this for more than two years. I value those already in my life but the idea of never making a new friend and never having the possibility of a new lover just crushes my soul. And the friends I have may be wonderful but they are not available and it takes so much work to get their time. They don't initiate plans and they are hard to get an answer from when I initiate plans, and often when we do actually manage to spend time together they are too exhausted or stressed to actually be emotionally and mentally present. I feel totally understanding and don't judge them for this (usually the cause is beyond their control), but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That doesn't mean that it doesn't take energy from me to do it.

On the one hand I feel like such a shithead for not being content with what I have. It is so rare to find friends who are actually good people, who care about growth and justice and openness and honesty and respect and consent. And I have those kind of friends. I am lucky. But on the other hand, I have a need for more people in my life. Despite being stereotyped as an introvert all my life, I need at least 8 casual friends besides the people I am very close to feel like I have a satisfying social web. I need to have group interactions (and if there aren't at least 5 people besides myself it doesn't count as a group). I need bustle and boisterousness, and enough unknown elements that unexpected conversations and interactions can happen.

Crafty parties used to satisfy this for me. A group of 5-13 people (usually around 8) would come and be busy and creative and talkative and I would get to be in that energy for about 6 hours every month. It would make me feel able to explore and create and be outside my comfort zone. But either people got sick of the drive (as I now live farther away from the city than before) or they got sick of me or both, because the last few times I made an event I ended up cancelling it the day before or day of because no one said they were attending. I haven't had the courage to try again in months.

Hannah asked me what I most felt in need of in my life and I said magic - connections with people who value, create, and actively seek magic. I think that's true, overall, but it is not what I feel in most urgent need of. The need that feels most urgent is for new connections that don't require a shitton of work to survive -- that don't require me to do all the watering and weeding.
If you pray or do magic or energy work and you feel like you have the extra time & effort and are willing to spend it on me, please do. Please pray/wish/send energy for me to find local friends who have the desire, energy, and ability to spend joyful nourishing time with me, and for opportunities for group connectedness at least once a month.
I am not looking for advice so please do not give me any. I'm not really looking for comfort, either, so please don't offer hugs. If you have similar feelings or experiences, sharing those is welcome.

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fayriekisses ══╣╠══

I feel like the older I get the harder it is to make new friends and maintain a solid connection with my current friends. They seem to be so preoccupied with their relationships and other life responsibilities that I no longer feel like I am as important as I use to be. This bothers me a great deal.

I occasionally search for Meet-ups online and have found a few I want to go to with the intent to meet new people, but I haven't found the courage yet. Being shy has always been a factor for me when making new friends.

belenen ══╣artless╠══
*deep sigh* I feel ya. If we lived close we could go together! having someone to go with always makes it so much easier for me.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thanks lovely <3
webgirluk ══╣pic#124969441╠══
I relate very much to this entry and experience similar feelings. Having a social web with meaningful interactions and different combinations of said interactions is very important to me, also. From my perspective looking in, you appear to have the friendships in person and social gatherings I could only dream of but I know as well, it's about we feel about it for ourselves and our personal needs. I'd love an "odd squad" group of friends (love the nickname) and I'm not sure if I really have any friend who I could rely on to definitely come to an important event in my life, although I think one would value the connection and importance of it and try. Another might but hard to tell when there haven't been any events to put it to the test. As you mentioned, I think distance makes it harder at times. I would have the social opportunities if my friends online all lived in my area. I too cry a lot about the situation and grieve for the people I'll probably never know even exist in this world, if many of them even do. I often find with all my needs and non conforming ways, it puts me too much at the end of a spectrum of sorts to truly be able to meet many people to bond with.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*offers hugs* I feel you so much on that. Why are all the great people so damn scattered across the globe?? I also feel too different to easily find people. If only we could all teleport.
darkestgarden ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣nascent╠══
thank you friend <3
soundofsunlight ══╣down╠══
Something similar happened to me some years ago. For a short time I had half a dozen local friends; we weren't very close, but we would get together on a regular basis. They seemed to like me, and seemed to like coming to the various social events, but after a while they just stopped coming. I have no idea why; nothing had changed. If it was just a few individuals...but it was nearly all of them. And I know at least some of them kept in touch with each other, so it was apparently just me they weren't interested in any more. For a while I kept trying but nothing I did made a difference, and it was upsetting me more than I could deal with. Eventually I stopped trying, and stopped considering them friends, because they weren't any more. I never understood what happened, though.

The idea of never making a new friend...that's something I think about sometimes, and it's very painful and distressing, and I don't know what to do about it. I try to focus on what I have, and sometimes that's enough, but sometimes it's not. I especially struggle with wanting a romantic relationship with someone local, and I'm reluctant to even admit that because people always say "you shouldn't feel like you need a relationship to be happy" and I get where they're coming from, but I do need that.

btw, I like that you say what kind of comments are welcome. When I was first reading your entry, I thought of sharing my experience, but I wasn't sure if that would be welcome; I don't want to make it about me, I was just reminded of this, and I tend to say whatever comes to mind. But I know some people don't appreciate that, and I never know when it's okay, so it's very helpful to have some guideline.

I also do energy work, and have time to give now. I'm not sure if I can help with something like this, but I will give it a try.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
Thank you for sharing your story <3 I feel you. And I am pretty much always up for hearing a story in response to something I share, so you know ;-)

Thank you, the energy work on my behalf means the absolute WORLD to me.
bluehorizon7 ══╣╠══
You aren't alone
I have friends I used to go out with all the time but recently it seems like they all have an issue with me but refuse to tell me anything, or tell me a reason why they can't and when I go out by myself, there they are acting like I never talked to them.

It feels awful feeling so alone in this world, it hurts even more when two of those people are people you had feelings for and they knew it and drew upon those feelings. Nothing makes you feel more alone and not wanting to be a part of this mortal coil than these situations.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.