Yesterday was so terrible. I cried at work, multiple times, then cried when I got home and cried more later when I went to Topaz'. My eyes hurt and I cried so hard I was hyperventilating.
I got so overwhelmed with sadness after it hit me that all these people who I had been counting on (because they said yes) to come to my graduation party hadn't. I counted them up: 15. 4 biofamily and 11 friends. I felt so undesirable and unimportant. No one wants to spend time with me, even if I give advance notice and offer alcohol. Even if they have the pressure of having already said they would. And I know that some people had family stuff come up. But it is completely illogical to think that all 11 actually couldn't make it. I felt embarrassed and bad for the one person besides Odd Squad (Topaz, Heather, Kylei) who did show up because no one else was there. I have a birthday party planned (my birthday is a week away) but I am pretty sure it will be just odd squad... I'm so tempted to delete the event to spare myself the embarrassment. I don't know why I haven't yet.
I feel like I have become unlikeable and unimportant, someone who is not worth time or effort. I haven't made a new friend (at least not one who is actually available) in more than three years. People haven't been coming to my gatherings for at least a year. I don't know what the fuck happened to me to make me so unappealing (I suspect that it is at least partly because I have lost social capital due to being more outspoken and militant about justice as well as more fat and with boring hair) but I'm in a pit of despair about it.
I have been telling myself that my luck has to change soon - I have been telling myself this for more than two years. I value those already in my life but the idea of never making a new friend and never having the possibility of a new lover just crushes my soul. And the friends I have may be wonderful but they are not available and it takes so much work to get their time. They don't initiate plans and they are hard to get an answer from when I initiate plans, and often when we do actually manage to spend time together they are too exhausted or stressed to actually be emotionally and mentally present. I feel totally understanding and don't judge them for this (usually the cause is beyond their control), but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That doesn't mean that it doesn't take energy from me to do it.
On the one hand I feel like such a shithead for not being content with what I have. It is so rare to find friends who are actually good people, who care about growth and justice and openness and honesty and respect and consent. And I have those kind of friends. I am lucky. But on the other hand, I have a need for more people in my life. Despite being stereotyped as an introvert all my life, I need at least 8 casual friends besides the people I am very close to feel like I have a satisfying social web. I need to have group interactions (and if there aren't at least 5 people besides myself it doesn't count as a group). I need bustle and boisterousness, and enough unknown elements that unexpected conversations and interactions can happen.
Crafty parties used to satisfy this for me. A group of 5-13 people (usually around 8) would come and be busy and creative and talkative and I would get to be in that energy for about 6 hours every month. It would make me feel able to explore and create and be outside my comfort zone. But either people got sick of the drive (as I now live farther away from the city than before) or they got sick of me or both, because the last few times I made an event I ended up cancelling it the day before or day of because no one said they were attending. I haven't had the courage to try again in months.
Hannah asked me what I most felt in need of in my life and I said magic - connections with people who value, create, and actively seek magic. I think that's true, overall, but it is not what I feel in most urgent need of. The need that feels most urgent is for new connections that don't require a shitton of work to survive -- that don't require me to do all the watering and weeding.
If you pray or do magic or energy work and you feel like you have the extra time & effort and are willing to spend it on me, please do. Please pray/wish/send energy for me to find local friends who have the desire, energy, and ability to spend joyful nourishing time with me, and for opportunities for group connectedness at least once a month.I am not looking for advice so please do not give me any. I'm not really looking for comfort, either, so please don't offer hugs. If you have similar feelings or experiences, sharing those is welcome.