Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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yeah, maybe I'm odd.

What am I saying? of course I am.

Anyway, I made a pixeldoll and have been playing with my "digital paper doll" for the past few days... you can see it on my "me" page if you bother to find it.

Does anyone read my entries but me? Hm.

Instead of Breakthough2Joy last tues, our church held this conference about prophesying...(however you spell that) It was so awesome. Now I understand at least the "why" of my unfunweirdness lately. People who know me well would put "passionate" as at least one of my top three qualities, yet lately I have been so apathetic, and it sickens me. It is just so WRONG! (like disecting live frogs) And I didn't understand it! I could not get myself motivated to do anything, and I didn't care, but it still felt wrong. It was as if I had so little motivation that I couldn't even really care that I didn't have motivation! (now that was a convoluted sentence) Well, now that is still a problem, but at least I know it isn't 'cause I did something wrong or stupid. It's a process I have to go through. I'd be okay with that, but everyone said that theirs lasted years -- between three and forty. NONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! I can't exist in this state that long! At least I pray I can't.

And I feel like I'm not even crushing right. Good grief, I can't even break the right way. I feel like I am too strong and too weak at the same time. Too strong to break and have it done, but so weak that I smush instead of shatter. I know God knows a little more than I do, but I don't feel ready! Most of all, I don't want to deal with this for years. Not even one year. I don't want to deal with it another day, but I can handle some time. Just not that long, please God.

My lack of motivation bothers me most in that I don't wanna read the Bible or pray and that doesn't bother me! At least not to the point where I will do anything. And I realized that God has some major work to do 'cause when they asked everyone what I would say if I died and God asked why He should let me into heaven, and my first thought was "Because I love you." That means I'm putting my salvation in my OWN love, and not in His love. How is he going to fix that? How do I get out of that mentality? BAH!

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