Belenen (belenen) wrote,

characters in the story of my life: present and past

icon: "shows -- xena happiness (Xena and Gabrielle looking at each other and smiling as they walk)"

It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

People who are currently an active part of my life.
- Topaz -

(refuses photos)

Topaz (not active on LJ): Met them in August of 2012, had our first real conversation in October 2012, fell smack-faced in love, and we have been together since then. Lives about 20 minutes from me.

Topaz is amazing. They are tough (to the point of being foolhardy sometimes), passionate, and actually go after what they want. That last trait should really have a name, but 'ambitious' or 'driven' doesn't cut it because it's a life-full attitude, not just a career thing. They're a writer and artist and musician. They're dedicated to growth in a way I'd only seen before in Hannah and maybe myself. And because of their own focus on life as a whole, and their own passion for individuality, I feel like I can focus on what matters to only me for the first time while in an intense romantic relationship. I feel like when we go away from each other we do pine, but we also get shit done and when we come back together we have so much to share. When we first started our relationship I was worried that they didn't care as much about touch as I did, but they assured me that they just weren't used to it, and sure enough nowadays they touch me as often as I do them, present and giving touch, and if I ever feel like I need to not give, there's no pouting or pressure. That is fucking novel for me. They are also really caring and connected, and they notice when I feel bad. And if I ever say that there is a thing that I am uncomfortable with, they take it in and do what they can to change it. Also our sex is amazing, best ever, and I didn't think it could get better than with Kylei -- but I have learned about myself and grown as a sexual being so now, my sex is the best ever.
- Kylei -

Kylei playing violin at night in atlanta

forever friend
Kylei (secret_keep): Met them in 2009 but we didn't really talk until May 2010, when we met for a conversation and plunged straight into an INTENSE relationship. We were together romantically from then until October 2012, living together from Decemberish 2010 to Decemberish 2012. They live about an hour away from me.

Kylei is sweet and so generous and creative and cuddly and good at consent and talented at music and passionate and spiritual and just all-around wonderful. We stopped dating because we got in a very bad pattern due to both of us being depressed and having not enough energy to heal arguments easily. As two people who feel very deeply and express very loudly, the first year and a half of our relationship was intense fights mixed with even more intense sex and spiritual exploration and sharing and joy and creation. That second year didn't go well because we had a living situation that did not allow for either of us to have healing time (I need alone time, Kylei needs casual talking time), and we just had fights and sadness and desperate longing for what we had before but we couldn't do it. I broke it off and we spent 2013 mostly apart except for group events (not angry at each other, but me needing distance). In 2014 we grew closer again, and 2015 brought us to a place where I feel like if the situation would allow, we would be together again.  I'd like to spend much more time together and seek out magic together as a regular part of our lives.
- Heather -

Heather with the chandelier part of a lamp on their head

forever friend
Heather (hardigrin): met them in late 2010, and we shared some days here and there (my first foursome, for one) but I feel like I actually started getting to know them in late 2012 as they grew closer to Kylei and started sort of accidentally spending more time with me. In 2014 and 2015 we began spending more time together particularly because they took a more active role in planning intimacy practices, and now they are one of my closest friends.  They live about 45 minutes from me.

Heather is genuine and trustworthy and creative. Genuine because I can't really imagine Heather telling anyone anything but their true feelings. Trustworthy because not only are they honest, but if you were in a scrape and needed help and Heather could help, I feel they would. When I use the word creative I don't just mean "wears colorful clothes and thinks unusually" (though that part is also true) -- I mean it as "a force of creation." Heather creates little worlds of love for people with hugs and paying attention, and also creates beauty through art, and helps to weave a web of connection between all people. Heather has gone through a LOT of dramatic life changes in the past few years and has grown so quickly and well; I admire them and hope to be more like them.
- Hannah -

Hannah with a solemn expression in natural light

previous soulfriend,
forever friend

Hannah (shioneh): Met them through LJ. Known since July 2005, soulfriends from March 2006 to November 2007, lovers from March 2008 to July 2008. Lives out of country.

We were instantly close on becoming LJ friends, and 8 months later we committed soulfriendship to each other. Our soulfriendship lasted about a year and a half, and was an incredible source of growth and nourishment to both of us. Because we entered the relationship with such clear goals, we both learned so much more about communication and the ways to grow a relationship. In that time they came to visit me twice, July 27th - Aug 13th 2006, and June 20th - July 24th 2007. The soulfriendship ended because we both went through a very dark period and it took too much energy over such a long distance, when even calling is a hardship. I think that if we had lived close we would have been able to stay soulfriends, but as it was we decided to end it, at least for the time. We never broke off contact but we didn't start talking in realtime again until early February 2008, when I felt totally awful and randomly IMed their partner Nick, and Hannah was there next to them and began talking with me to comfort me. We rapidly grew close again (with many tears along the way), and in late March Hannah decided they wanted to explore polyamory and proposed a romantic relationship (which I gleefully agreed to). That was a tempestuous journey; a Hannah-Aurilion-me triad, then just Hannah and I, then a Hannah-Nick-me triad (for a day), and then Hannah and Nick realized that polyamory wasn't right for them. That was devastatingly painful (I was numb for nearly two months afterward), but I don't regret it. Hannah and I attempted to be close again several times over the next few years but for whatever reason it just didn't take; the distance and time difference make it hard, and Hannah was going through a LOT of shit. Over the past month, we have been much more in contact, and I feel close to them now in a way I haven't in eight years.  I feel really hopeful that we will stay in contact, and keep building together.

Hannah is open & honest, passionately compassionate, fierce, creative. They love creating, documenting, and sharing beauty.  They love taking photos, dancing, painting, sharing with others, exploring the abstract, learning the concrete, celebrating life, helping to create equality. They taught me how to keep compassion in my anger, how to be vulnerable, how to question; so many of the things that I most cherish about myself.
- Allison -

(don't have a recent photo uploaded yet)

close friend
Allison (no longer on LJ): Met them in high school, 11th grade. Known since 1999, close from 99-01, then slowly drifted apart when we both moved away for college. In April 2006 they cut contact with me, then in 2008 I contacted them to apologize for any hurt I might have caused, and we became friends on social media but didn't really talk or spend time together until I started the crafty parties in 2011, and we slowly started hanging out more since then.  In 2014 and 2015 I was actively building with them as we had time, and they are now one of my closest friends.

Allison is artistic and creative, brilliant, expressive, and energetic. They both see things for their potential and create constantly, in a wide variety of media. I think their mind runs faster than mine and they have a far better memory, so it makes for really fun conversation where they bring in things that I would not have found in my mind-closet. Their energy is contagious, and I love being around them because they gives me a fresh love for life. Back before crafty parties when I was afraid to create because I thought I wasn't good enough, they encouraged me artistically -- in my writing (they read my novel-in-progress and creature-ideas and gave feedback) and painting and jewelry (they commissioned several pieces and wore them proudly and told everyone who complimented them to go to my website and buy them). I'm so happy to have them as a more active force in my life now.
- Sydney -

(don't have a recent photo uploaded yet)

close friend
Sydney (not on LJ): met them in late 2012 through Topaz, who has been close with them for a long time. We didn't really start getting to know each other until April 2014 (the first time we hung out with just us plus Topaz), but over 2015 especially I have felt closer to them and I'm so glad.

Sydney is sensitive and kind, clever, open and honest, supportive, determined, creative, and playful. I feel I can tell them anything and trust them to take me seriously and be empathetic, and I can ask them questions and they will self-examine and give me the clearest answer they can. If I needed help, I feel sure they would be there if they could, and I can be as silly as I want around them and they'll not ever look down on me for it -- they're likely to play along!
- fireKat -

photo of Kat sitting on a rock outcrop overlooking a deep valley

forever friend,
Kat (kmiotutsie): Met through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Dec 2004, close since Nov 2006, met May 2007 and again March 2013. Lives out of state. We've never lost contact and I would say that out of all my LJ friends, we've had the steadiest connection.  In 2014 and 2015 Kat came to visit and spent Solstice with us, which makes me so very happy.

Kat is free and adventurous and fuckin bluntly open and honest. They will call you on your shit and do it with no rancor. They never dismiss anything out of hand, and seems to see life as a series of opportunities -- they're not easily set back. We've had a very loose but strong connection for many years now -- I think we started out very different and slowly grew more similar. I feel like I've learned a lot from Kat over the years and I fuckin adore them. I wish I could spend more time with them, and they're not so far away that a road trip is too hard, but my car currently just can't do it.  But over Solstice this year we talked and connected in a way that was very nourishing for me and I am grateful for that! Spending more time together is definitely a priority for me.

- Other people who are an active influence on my life -
Cass - I've known Cass since 2012 but it wasn't until 2015 that we started connecting in a more solid way. They've started attending intimacy practice and expressed interest in building connections with my local tribe, and I feel like I've started to get to know them and we will build a lasting friendship.
Sande - Sande and I met on facebook in 2012, but didn't interact directly much until this past year, and finally met in person for the first time last month. We've only hung out twice, but I feel like we have the potential to be good friends because we have so much in common.
Rachel - tikva and I met at TBC in 2011, but didn't become friends until 2014 when we added each other on LJ and facebook. I love practically everything they post, because they care about social justice and work toward it actively, and they're hilarious in their turn of phrase. If we lived near each other I would definitely want to be close friends, and as it is they are one of the important influences in my life even from afar.
Vola - volamonster been my LJ friend since August of 08, if I'm remembering correctly, and they've inspired me so much with their honesty and openness and abundant growth. They're one of the most tenacious people I've ever met, and I admire them so much.
Elizabeth - call_me_katya and I met on LJ in summer 2014, through an addme community. Since then they've been a major inspiration for my return to LJ; they share their life in a way that makes me feel at home here again. Just that would be enough for them to be important to me, but they also engage with me in a very thoughtful way that makes me feel validated and understood. They came to visit me this past summer and I really enjoyed their company! Life got away from me and I don't think I posted about it, but that was probably the high point of my summer. I feel grateful to have met them.
Lisa - chillychilly22 and I became friends on LJ in 2005! we met for the first time last year, after a decade of knowing each other! It kinda blows my mind. Lisa has been an amazingly supportive friend, both personally and supporting my art as well. I love that Lisa is so dedicated to growth -- because of this, their introspection helps me to realize new things about myself or my own life. Lisa seems so fearless to me -- they will take any opportunity to learn, and not let anything get in the way.
Angie - delicatexflower and I met on LJ in 2006, probably through the curvygirls community. They are one of the sweetest, most generous and sensitive people I have ever known. Just knowing how compassionate they are makes me feel more hope for the world! They are also very strong and have weathered a lot.
Gayle - queerbychoice and I met on LJ in 2007, probably through being queer by choice? I don't remember. But they reglarly make me think about things in a new way, and make me laugh with their sardonic criticisms of oppressive &/or selfish behavior. They're also very matter-of-fact about emotional things in a way that I greatly appreciate. I feel like their perspective is really unique and having it in my life has made me a better person.
Kels - kiwi and I have been friends on LJ since 2007, but I didn't start feeling very close to them until a few years ago. I think my perspective changed and I started reading their writing in a different tone somehow. I think I had been intimidated before? Anyway, their compassion and deep desire to help people is a huge inspiration to me, and I am grateful that they continue to share their life on LJ.
Tina - wildrose and I met through an addme community on LJ in 2014, and they've become quite significant in my life. I love how honest and open they are, how growth focused, and how much more they care about being kind than about being right. That is such a rare and beautiful trait.
Lana - meri_sielu and I met in 2014 through a friending meme, and we have interacted in very meaningful ways since then. Lana is very sensitive and caring, and we had a misunderstanding once that was very emotional for them but they worked through it with me, and that means a lot. I feel much more trust for someone who is willing to re-interpret a situation when they have more information or context.
Helena - kehlen_crow and I met through LJ Idol in 2014. I really love their intellectual curiosity and value their comments a great deal (even though I have been very bad at replying for a long time). I feel like they are a very fair person; they seem to care about justice on a person-to-person level as well as broadly. I appreciate having their questions which help me to examine things more deeply.
Nicky - sidheblessed and I met on LJ in 2005 (probably through curvygirls). They are a deeply compassionate person and an excellent parent. We have been through periods of more and less closeness as we have both waxed and waned in our LJ involvement, but I feel that the emotional connection is always there. Last year we met via videochat for the first time, which was pretty awesome. We connect perhaps most on our value of intimate friendship and spirituality.
Katy - webgirluk and I met on LJ at the end of 2014 (through an addme community). I feel like we have a similar strong curiosity about people and desire to draw people together. Katy is very thoughtful in the way they write and the way they respond, and I am glad I know them!

There are a number of other LJ friends who are emotionally important to me as well but my hands might fall off if I tried to write about all of them!
People who aren't currently very active in my life but have had large impact on it.
(I average communication with them once a month or less, or we only have indirect/casual contact)
- Arizona -

(refuses photos)

Arizona (grey_arizona): met them in 2009 and knew them through group events until May 2010, when we started dating after I dreamed about kissing them. We started living together shortly after that, as I worked for their family for room and board, and we dated until November 2010, when I realized that I felt like they was stuck and suffering and I didn't want to be in that environment, but they said it probably wouldn't change for the rest of their life. Six months later (2011) their life had completely changed and we started on and off dating a bit, but they are very home-centered so while not living together I felt we just didn't have potential to be very close. In mid-2013 they moved out of state and we haven't had much contact since then, but the last time they visited it felt so very good to be in their presence and I miss them.

Arizona is thoughtful, nurturing, and curious. One of the things I most value about them is that our conversations make me think and re-examine my ideas, and I feel comforted by their presence. They're openminded and always learning, always asking questions and seeking to grow in knowledge. And they are very firm in expressing themself, while being a totally non-judgemental listener no matter how outrageously incorrect the speaker may be.
- Abby -

Abby with fuchsia hair lying on a rock and smiling

good friend
Abby (rextrocular): met them in early 2011 after finding them on OKcupid and inviting them to a crafty party. Then we went to Euphoria together in the summer and I fell for them, especially after seeing their art journals. We dated for about 6 months and then my high-maintenance relationship with Kylei became too much for Abby, and Abby had expectations I didn't understand, so we stopped dating for a few months, then started seeing each other more casually for a few months, and then I broke up with them because the relationship wasn't a shape that was good for me, and we've been good friends since then. I love them and would like to be romantic with them again but I don't see that happening until they move back (in 2+ years). Moved out of state summer 2013, and we haven't had much contact since then except when they visit, maybe twice a year.  When I saw them over the Solstice holiday this past year (2015) I felt a desire to be with them romantically, but I don't think we can maintain that over distance.  Still, I'm trying to be more in contact with them.

Abby is clever and dedicated and artistic. Clever in that they know a lot and can string various things together in new and interesting ways, dedicated in that they make long-term plans and then actually do them both in relationships and the broader world, artistic in that they see things like an artist; for their possibilities first and their factualities second. Abby is quiet and reflective with rainbow hair and a strong value of human connections.
- Jaime -

(don't have a recent photo uploaded yet)

good friend
Jaime (jaime_blue): Our families knew each other when we were kids, and then we became friends after they started going to the same college as me, in early 2012, and they came to crafty parties and intimacy practices. In 2014 we spent a good amount of time together but in 2015 we didn't, and I'm not quite sure why; I hope we begin actively building friendship again.

Jaime is sweet, attentive, and exploratory. Their hugs are always genuine and they see people without preconceptions. I love being around them because I feel connected and relaxed, and like they value my time. I feel like they are adventurous and want to learn how things work.
- Donovan -

Donovan taking a mirror selfie

Donovan (adi_stroyer): Met in 2011, knew peripherally until they started dating Kylei and joined intimacy practice, then we dated from February 2012 until approximately October. Our connection was intense but constantly pulled loose by other things, so I feel like we never really got a chance to build it.  They moved out of state a few years ago and we haven't been able to maintain more than a casual connection since then.  I still love them very much and wish we could be more in contact.

Donovan is strong and sweet and creative. Strong in that they have been through some major shit and also because it's just the way they approach life; they have a take-no-shit attitude. Sweet in that they can see and appreciate people very deeply. Creative in that nothing is off-limits and if they want to make it, they will.
- Nea -

Nea closeup in natural light

deep friend,
Nea (acid_burns): Met them through LJ, via an Angelina Jolie community. Known since Dec 2004, close from Aug 2007, met them in person September 2009. Lives out of country.

Nea has been an important person in my life for a long time. It's hard to describe our friendship because I communicate with them in a way I don't with anyone else. We speak in music and photos and books and art (we don't share much of the same taste in film, heh), and for most of our friendship that was all, yet I felt like we understood each other really well. They're purely nonjudgmental and so compassionate, but there's nothing push-over-ish about them. I admire and love them for their perspective and their art and most of all for their love for humankind. I LOVED getting to meet them! If we lived close I know we'd hang out all the time. I hope we can communicate more and get closer again.
- Ace -

ace smiling and tilting their head

deep friend,
Ace (girlslovegirls7): met them when I was almost ten and they were a squalling red little newborn. We were close for the first few years, then horrible events and lying parents came between us. We started getting close again in Jan 2007 and became deep friends in summer 2009, but since then have drifted apart. They live out of state.

Ace truly amazes me; so fierce and so compassionate, so open and honest, so full of joy and curiosity, and so willing to take risks (though that last bit has been in hiding for a while). They're also a talented artist and I look forward to seeing them blossom creatively. They're so fascinated by people, and so uninhibited in expressing that -- they will ask intensely personal questions of strangers and do it in such a purely curious way that they're startled into actually answering. And they're tied for the most compassionate person I've ever met -- they will almost always notice when someone is suffering and reach out, and when they do they always mean it. I love them so so so much ♥
People who I am not in contact with (or barely in contact with) but reference more than rarely.
- Sunny -

sunny wearing red plastic glasses and bright colors

longtime friend
Sunny : Met them through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Nov 2004, close from 2005 - 2006, ended Mar 2006 when they chose to cut contact. Became LJ friends again Mar 2009, they cut contact Oct 2010, became friends again January 2014, broke up again in December 2015.

Met and got to know them through LJ; for a good while we were quite close. They inspired me so much spiritually and intellectually. They opened my eyes on a lot of things; looking back I would say that they were an important catalyst for me in my journey to queerness and paganism. They were my first queer friend and the first pagan I talked to and resonated with about spiritual stuff. We went through some wild times in friendship, as evidenced by the on-again-off-again. From Jan 2014 to about Jan 2015 we were actively building a friendship and it was the best it had been, but 2015 was mostly a struggle. They ended up telling me that I wasn't being supportive enough, so we stopped being in contact again. If there is contact in the future it will be with established and agreed-upon safeguards.
- Aurilion -

aurilion in the woods in spring

Aurilion: met them in 2006 online and in person that November, and we've been on and off as friends and lovers since. During 2008 we were very close, in a romantic relationship over long distance, flying to visit each other, and then from December 2008 until last December 2013 we didn't see each other. Finally seeing them again in 2013 was such a wonderful joy, and a relief. However that relief didn't last long, as I expressed my concerns about them giving up their selfhood for their fiance and they flew into a rage and cut contact. They live out of state.

Aurilion is intuitive, gentle, fierce, eager, and generous. They pay careful attention to everything, and being around that helped me to develop my awareness. We both have very strong tree connections and value intuition and spirit.
- ex-partner -



B, ex-partner. Met through our parents going to the same church. Known since 1991, lovers jan2001-nov2008, partners from dec2003-oct2009.

I met them when I was a wee child of 8 (they were 7), and felt a connection since then. I moved away and then back (my dad was in the military) and sometime in high school we developed a rather one-sided friendship that lasted until I moved again for my freshman year of college. When I came to visit their family over Christmas break, they asked me out and we started a long-distance relationship. About 17 days in (Jan 19, 2002) we made our own private vows to each other and considered ourselves spiritually married from that point on. That summer I moved back to GA to be closer to them and we continued dating for another year, and got legally married December 2003. The first year (2004) was fun at first, but soon turned rocky, as sex had brought up repressed memories of childhood abuse (we didn't have penetrative sex until after getting legally married, due to their desires) and I started working through those, and we both had to deal with misconceptions about what a partnership (marriage) meant (I started out 'serving' them and no I'm not kidding. After about 6 months I realized that wasn't really healthy or nourishing). 2005 was worse; I was depressed and paranoid to the point of not being able to leave the house, but by the end of that year I had overcome most of it. 2006 was okay, no real gains or losses. 2007 started off very badly, financially, and I blamed our lack of connection on that, but as time went on I realized that the finances made it worse but they were not the problem, they just added to the problem. Halfway through the year it all came to a head and my partner decided to work on opening up and learning to express themself, so that we could really communicate. I was skeptical at first but they really changed; I began to get to know them in a way I never had before. We had a lot more conflict, but it was productive, and I began to fall in love with them in a whole new way. 2008 began with us stronger than ever, but as it went on and I began to develop other relationships, they began to withdraw. Whenever we talked about it they said they were okay with me being polyamorous, and blamed their distance on other things. When I was out of the country visiting Hannah, they did something that I considered cheating, and confessed to me later (after I felt that something was wrong and asked about it). I forgave them and we worked on re-building trust but I think that they continued to feel guilty about it (in addition to the sense of debt they had because of all the unfulfilled promises they'd made) and I think ultimately that was the thing that made it too much. In 2009 we were still working on things, but I realized I didn't want to be partners and without the structure of marriage, they did not have the motivation to work on anything anymore (which is part of the reason I do not want partnership/marriage -- if you're not motivated to work on stuff without structure then I don't want to do it with you!). In November they started seeing someone else, and as they are monogamous that meant we were truly over. I was very hurt for about 6 months over broken promises, and then I forgave them. We were out of contact for a while as they had a lover who didn't believe in being friends with exes, and now we are on friendly terms but not in regular contact.
- Ashe -

previously deep friend,
Ashe: Met them through elya -- the two of them were best friends at one time. Known since 1998, very close in 2006 followed by horrendous breakup and again in 2009, followed by another horrendous breakup in May 2010. In March of 2014 we talked some stuff out and became casual friends on facebook, which is the current state of things.

We were very close in 2006, but in November of that year they left me when I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown and then three weeks later told me they didn't want to be friends anymore, both of which hurt me deeply. I learned later that they had thought I was faking the breakdown to manipulate them, and had gotten furious with me about it. About a year after this, I messaged Ashe and told them that I forgave them, and that I was sorry for any hurt I might have caused them. I offered to have a conversation for the sake of closure and healing, so we talked, and it felt really good to talk to them again. A while after that I spent a few days at their apartment and realized that the breakup and year after had made deep changes in both of us that created a lot of distance, and I think they felt it too because we fell mostly out of contact after that. Then Ashe got back in touch with me in 2009 and we started building a friendship again. Over the summer we spent a TON of time together, and October we moved in together. We lived together fairly harmoniously for a good while, and then I started falling for them romantically, but resisting because I didn't want to live with a lover. Then a pile of mess ensued and we were out of touch and I was angry for a long time. We got back in contact about 2 years ago and have been acquaintances on facebook since, but are not in a synchronous place in our lives as far as I can tell.
- Viv -

viv with pink hair and a solemn expression

Met through OKcupid in June 2009, were very close until Nov 2009, casual friends since 2013.

They messaged me in June 2009 and I impulsively invited them along to my first cuddle party. I fell in love pretty much the second we hugged and my heart was trip-tripping the whole drive there... we cuddled a lot and talked a lot and spent tons of time together for the next five months. I'm wasn't sure what to call us because we did a lot of making out and sensual things but had no privacy so it never went very far and they waffled back and forth on whether or not they wanted more than friendship. I call them my ex-lover because it was a lover-type relationship for me. But while the romantic aspect was lovely and eye-opening, what was really amazing for me was having a violet spirit who lived near me and was passionate about feminism and equality in general and philosophy and music and art ♥ It ended rather stutteringly due to addiction; I didn't want to feel like I needed to rescue them, and I would have felt that way if we were close while they were using habitually. That brief connection was one of the most incredibly enlightening, inspiring, thrilling, and beautiful experiences I have had. Nowadays it's just distance that prevents us being closer -- for whatever reason we don't connect well over the internet, at least so far.
- Hope -

Hope (no longer active on LJ): Met them in May 2009, casual friends until September 2009, dated until May 2010, casual friends since then.

Hope helped me grow a great deal; we connected intensely on an intellectual, physical, and spiritual level. We would listen to music together (more intently than I had done with anyone up to that point; an ecstatic experience of music), explore the forest together (also with very beautiful intensity), argue constructively, discuss social ills and patterns, and have lots of sex. When we first got together, I had never really had sex that was intensely physically pleasurable, and ours was. But physical pleasure is always secondary to me, and I stopped wanting it so much after a while, which was very disappointing to Hope (who I think had a much higher sex drive than I do). I also realized, once I experienced it, that I need daily flowy communication to feel nourished in a romantic relationship, but we didn't really talk unless we were physically present with each other. I had a very hard time ending our romantic relationship and I think I hurt Hope by not being more direct, but I couldn't articulate why I didn't want to continue (now I understand that we had clashing needs). They have grown a lot in the past few years in ways that I think are fantastic, and we did have one really lovely conversation, but we have not shifted from casual friends.

Hope is intellectual, curious, and bouncy; very enthusiastic about anything she cares about. Very cuddly and generous and clever, sensual and alert.
- Ava -

previous deep friend
mourningdoveava: Met through LJ, via an addme community. Known since August 2007, close from October 2007 to May 2008.

Ava is my spirit-kin. We had such a strong emotional connection -- they went through an intense spiritual experience while talking to me on IM, and I felt it so strongly that I cried. Our conversations were so incredibly deep and invariably taught me something or helped me to clarify some of my truth. Unfortunately I caught them in some lies which made me doubt everything else and I eventually gave up on learning the truth when they disappeared from LJ. I still don't know who they were -- I know I felt a connection and that can't be faked, but I wonder if they were some kind of clever and well-educated sociopath (because our conversations weren't about common knowledge and they'd have had to do a significant amount of reading) or perhaps doing some kind of sociology project involving sockpuppets. I'm still entirely baffled.
- Kei-Won-Tia -

previous deep friend
I met Kei-Won-Tia in 2011, became friends in March 2014, were close until Jan 2015. They lived about 45 min from me when I last knew their address.

We started our friendship when I went over to their house because they offered kitten cuddles and we had intense great conversation. Throughout the next couple of months, I spent lots of time with them at my house and at theirs. I felt really supported by them because they took initiative and helped make intimacy practice happen so that I didn't have to do all the planning. They seemed to invest in my friends and share my desire to build a tribe of interconnected friends who truly know each other. Stuff started getting a little weird in the fall, and I attributed it to me having an incredibly heavy semester of school and not being available to connect with them as often as before. In January we had a falling-out over honesty and openness, because I told someone something that I didn't realize KWT wanted to be kept a secret (I shared this thing because I was having really intense feelings about it, and I shared it with someone who I thought KWT trusted as part of their tribe). KWT then told me that they need to be able to lie to their friends, which is not something I can be okay with -- this plus other issues which I can't explain. So we broke contact.

In addition to this, KWT hurt a lot of my friends and put one of them in physical and emotional danger. I have a lot of guilt about introducing them to my people and encouraging them to invest in KWT. There were red flags but I ignored them. I have learned from this that I need to lean on Topaz and Heather for feeling people out BEFORE I fling myself head over heels and invest in a new person. KWT is generous and clever and bold and passionate and they have many other wonderful qualities - but they are not safe for me or people I love, at least not right now.
Tags: abby, ace, allison, arizona, ashe, aurilion, ava, b - ex-partner, cass, donovan, elizabeth, firekat, hannah, heather, hope, jaime, kwt, kylei, life story, nea, sunny, sydney, topaz, viv, vola

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