Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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unorganized rant -- wanting a wild, color-drenched life

I feel like crying, sleeping, or watching tv. That last is really weird, 'cause I never just *want to watch tv*...... anyway.

What is going on inside my head? More importantly, how do I escape it?

I want to write a letter... but I don't know what to say, and I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up just to see them shattered like so many pretty colorful tiny glass bottles... I do know what to say actually, I just don't know if saying it is a good idea.

I want to be so special, so different, so deep, so ethereal and powerful... and at the same time, I know that with those things comes separation... 'cause most people don't want the risk that comes with being deep. Escaping pain is far more important to most people than experiencing life deeply. -------- I want LIFE!!! I want all of it, all the colors, even orange! -- and especially purple and red. I want the bitter, so that I have even more pleasure tasting the sweet, I want sour and salty and spicy -- oh yes, spicy. I want everything to be sprinkled with the tang of something new. I want to expect the best out of people and not be crushed if they fail. I want to be unafraid to scream in the mall if I feel like it. (as I often do, which is why I nearly never go there) I want to be secure that who I am is who I am, not a facade.

And I want to know for sure that the one person I know of who seems to live that deeply is not a hollow shell. I want to know for myself that it's not just a rare mask that appeals only to deep people. I want to know that it's possible to live so wildly and colorfully and PASSIONATELY!!! and I want to know... (I'm crying now) that what seems to be so much like me would react the same way as I and jump at the chance to connect with one like me...

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