Belenen (belenen) wrote,

what mental issue is most difficult for me to talk about right now / how I morally contradict myself

icon: "honesty (me, outdoors, gazing straight at the camera with a solemn expression)"

What mental problem is the most difficult for you to speak about/work on right now? Why? (from here)

I'm not quite sure what is meant by mental problem but I will interpret it as emotional/psychological issue. Most difficult is probably feeling anxiety and stress. Talking about it does no good, so I really don't want to. I have already thought it all out and unless I am willing to take more medication, I don't see a relief for my anxiety or stress until I get a job with a living wage. I'm on the fence about medication because I don't want to add another drug and I am not ready to stop the bupropion. But I am planning on getting lemon balm supplement, which is supposed to help with general stress and anxiety (we'll see).

Have you ever morally contradicted yourself?

I think this refers to breaking my own moral code? and yes, absolutely. I break it every time I get starbux, because I consider them an evil company that I shouldn't be giving money to (bad labor practices, worse financial practices, and they put REAL coffeehouses out of business). But I do it anyway because I don't have a way to properly steam milk and so I don't feel like I can do the same ritual for myself, and starbuxes are everywhere. I try to always use my own mug, but when I forget it I often get a coffee anyway and create unnecessary waste including plastic waste which is the worst kind. I try to remember reusable bags but when I forget them I often get plastic bags. This breaks my core values of justice AND reverence.

Also, my value of reverence applies to all life, but I take antibiotics if I get sick and don't seem able to get better without them; I consider this a kind of genocide but I do it anyway. I also clean the toilet/sink/etc, which is the same thing. And I am not good at being open without invitation in face-to-face interactions, unless the other person gives me certain signals (not sure what those are exactly, but very few people do them).

A recent example of me breaking my moral code is that my mom gave me birthday money and I bought a set of mudra cards made by white people. This breaks my value of justice, because I am supporting the industry which is so filled with white people taking up space that there is literally less than 10% available literature on mudras made by people who actually inherited that wisdom. I think it is closer to 2%. I decided to get the cards anyway because I desperately want to learn them (I've been searching for some literature that was both affordable and ethical for about a year) and at least these cards aren't photos of white hands (they're drawings in the colors of the chakra that the mudra goes with). It's not a good enough reason -- I just did it because I wanted it more than I wanted justice. My reaction to this violation of my value is increased determination to find a way to give back. If any of you have ideas, please let me know.

There are a number of ways in which I do not live up to my own values, or don't live up to them consistently. I don't berate myself for it because that's useless and counterproductive; I just try to figure out a way to balance it or do better. Sometimes I do things that are wrong (usually regarding purchases) and I probably could stop myself... I just don't. I'm not really sure why. I suppose that's my selfishness coming out.
Tags: anxiety / overwhelmed / stress, chemtrails, money, openness, questions, writing prompts

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