May 2019
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reduced anxiety = increased sexual desire / recent experience with percussion play / need my claws!

icon: "brewing (a photo of a ceramic mug with sticks of cinnamon poking out and steam rising up)"

One of the effects of being on anxiety meds now is that my desire for sex is significantly increased. I now understand why most of the time when I get drunk, I want to have passionate kisses and maybe sex; drinking reduces my anxiety. This in combination with the circumstances in which I get drunk (celebrating with people I love, usually) means that I suddenly become aware of desire. I think that anxiety interrupts my sexual desire before it gets to the point of even being a conscious thought.

The unpleasant aspect of this is is that I am not currently in any sexual relationships. I think it is rather sad that when I had the people I did not have the skills to know and ask for what I wanted, and now that I am self-aware enough to know exactly what I want and be able to ask for it very clearly and without pressure or fear, I don't have anyone to ask. My previous lovers are unavailable in various ways (several live out of state now). I wish I was bold enough to invite someone to have sex with me outside of the context of a relationship but I'm not, partly because I have never done it and it's possible that without being in love I won't get much out of it? I'm so curious, but a complete unknown is not something I want to take such a risk for, at least not at this point.

My ideal lover is:
- anti-oppression & growth-focused & self-aware & good at self-care (so that we can be friends):
- good at using spiritual/emotional energy to create sensation and/or deepen connection
- good at negotiating expectations
- very communicative, especially about what they enjoy or dislike
- as good at initiating as they are at responding
- generous and skilled at adjusting touch based on reactions
- into planning a sexperience
- fond of being bitten, especially receiving marks
- into percussion play, giving and receiving

I had posted on fb about wanting to receive percussion, and a friend responded offering to give that to me. It took a long time to schedule it but we finally set a plan for last Sunday, and I went to their house (since I was already halfway there to meet another friend). The friend who offered lives with another friend of mine, and I ended up cuddling with them and then being flogged by one and paddled by the other. The flogger was long heavy slim strips of suede, mostly thuddy with some sting. The paddle was the size of a small ceiling fan blade but about an inch thick. I was intimidated at first but it didn't feel heavier than mine (which is the same thickness) and in fact was less intense because the impact was more spread out.. It was a very relaxing and enjoyable experience, very sensual without being sexual. It confirmed for me that the sensation of being flogged or thumped with heavy objects is magical for me. I had completely forgotten the sensation of the energy building up on my back until after I was flogged and then someone put a hand on my back and I felt it go through a layer of energy before touching me. I then asked that they let the energy sit for a while next time, and they of course obliged. The second time, the energy was even more palpable, and I felt exposed in a very unique way.

Later, one of them offered to let me try their steel finger claws and I did and HOLY FUCK I had the hardest time not digging in. I restrained myself pretty hard and still was giddy enough that one remarked to the other "was I this delighted when you gave them to me?" I felt like I finally could feel the physical manifestation of a spiritual part of me and it was a revelation. I need some for myself. Not need like I will suffer damage without them, but need as in to be my fullest self.

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queerbychoice ══╣╠══
I tried, once, to have sex outside the context of a relationship. I definitely did not get much out of it, personally; the sex was terrible, and even though neither of us was at all romantically interested in the other, it still somehow basically turned into a relationship, in the sense that we continued having sex regularly for several months and also hanging out together. The sex always remained terrible, and the relationship was a very poorly chosen relationship since I hadn't intended for it to be a relationship at all.

Even so, it was kind of arguably worth doing once, just because the one major thing I did get out of it was complete certainty that casual sex was not for me.

If you ever do anything like that, though, do at least make sure to choose as safe a situation as you can, emotionally and physically. I did a fairly decent job on that front, at least; I was definitely not scarred for life. It was just a harmless several months spent having hopelessly unsatisfying sex and hanging out with someone whose company I didn't enjoy.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
wow, that does sound kind of terrible, in the most mediocre way!

I will definitely be keeping safety front and center. I am glad that your experience was harmless, at least!
annapandawoo ══╣╠══
That's awesome the anxiety medication is working. This may be odd, but from how close you seem to be with those particular Facebook friends, you may be able to ask them if they know anyone they could introduce you to?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
y'know, that is something I hadn't considered! I may try that, I'll keep it in mind. Thanks for the idea!
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣artless╠══
I know! I think most anti-anxiety meds work by calming you down overall, and sex involves getting excited, so most people don't get there. I think for me, my anxiety is very much in my body and so the meds calm me down enough that sex isn't too much anymore, which is the usual state for me.

thank you! I am glad I have gotten so much better at the skill of self-awareness.

thanks :D
meepalicious ══╣╠══
I really admire how open you are, both in your relationships and talking about them. I feel like I learn something new about relationships and wellbeing every time I read one of your entries.
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
aww, thanks!
Bleach ★ the goddess of flash
ragnarok_08 ══╣Bleach ★ the goddess of flash╠══
Glad that your anxiety medication seems to be working for you, and I just love how open you are about relationships :)
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
thanks, thanks! *grins*
happysponge ══╣╠══
I have the same problem with anxiety killing my sex drive, as well as any potential for relationships.

I don't know if you were seeking advice or opinions on the matter, but my personal experience has been that the context of being in love and/or a relationship has no effect on how satisfying the sex is, though of course sex tends to improve as you get to know another person and their body. At this point for me, having sex with a new person doesn't seem worth the initial hurdle of probably awkward sex before getting to the good stuff.

I can't believe I've never heard of steel finger claws! Holy fuck indeed.

P.S. I've added you as a friend.
belenen ══╣concupiscent╠══
I can't really say for me, but I imagine that being in love would make it better for me because I would enjoy their enjoyment more. If I feel indifferent about the person, giving them a ton of pleasure may be more work than fun -- my joy in sex is usually more mental/emotional/spiritual than physical. I won't know until I try it of course!

Luckily I am good at communicating about sex, so any awkwardness would be gone pretty fast.

added you back *grins*
meteorology ══╣kink╠══
I'm into sting more than thud, personally, but that sounds fun. I can just imagine that warm, slightly spaced-out, relaxed feeling. I hope you manage to find some more fulfilment.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
huh! I think for me 'sting' is too much because I have heightened sensitivity in general, and also maybe because I associate it with being punished with a switch as a child.

toll_booth ══╣╠══
Question--what is percussion play?
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
it's play that involves being percussed: used like a drum. Hit with paddles, canes, floggers, etc.
toll_booth ══╣╠══
Ahhh. So a specific type of impact play.

I like being slapped on my shoulders and back with moderate intensity. Feels like a rough massage (which I like, too).
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣feral╠══
I know right??? omg I want some SO BADLY.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.