December 2017
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why I call myself an erotic mirror: I do not have intrinsic desire for any role in sex


icon: "queer (the logo for Transcending Boundaries Conference overlaid with the words "genderfree, queer, + trans / never a 1 or 0")"

I don't call myself a switch, because 1) that implies a binary where I choose to either be one or the other but I can't merge them, which is not true of my experience, and 2) other people who identify as switches usually do so because they have active, intrinsic desire to be submissive as well as active, intrinsic desire to be dominant. I don't have either of these things.

I call myself an erotic mirror because my access to the erotic is reflective. I don't have much intrinsic desire for sex in general (I am demisexual) and I have zero intrinsic desire for roles in sex. I don't daydream about particular kinds of sex or power play, for instance. I find the idea of imagining sex or power play to be very boring; when I masturbate, it is usually while paying attention to music or just meditating. I don't masturbate out of desire for sex; I do it as a gift to my body, or because I want menstrual cramps to go away, or to be able to fall asleep quickly, or because I want to meditate and can't focus enough without involving my body.

Rather than from within me, my sexual desire comes from an interaction with a person where they have a particular desire and my desire mirrors that: they want to submit and thus I want to make them submit, or they want to take charge and thus I want to allow them (though that is rare because I dislike how most people try to take charge: a person has to have an innate connection with their primal self for that to be appealing). Or if they want me to give them a particular sensation, or want to give me a sensation, then I want to do that too (unless receiving the sensation is actively unpleasant: if I am neutral on it and they want it, then I want it). If they have no particular shape of desire, then my desire is somewhat random -- whatever memory comes up of an occasion that was particularly emotionally intense is what I will want to do.

The only things I really love for their own sake are biting, kissing, and energy play. Even if the other person doesn't have an active desire for these things but is like "they're okay, I like them a little" I will want to do them. Not as much, but at least a little bit. Whereas with other things like genital touch or bondage, if the person feels only mild desire, I won't want to do them any more. I only want those things if the other person is really into it.

This is also why I think there is very little that someone could want me to do to them that I wouldn't want to do. Unless it violated one of my core values or risked serious bodily harm, I would probably be down.

I think I have had sex with one person who was also an erotic mirror, and our sex was so intensely connected that sometimes I wasn't sure which limbs were mine. It was transcendent: the emotional equivalent of two mirrors facing, endless recursion. I'd love to know more people who are erotic mirrors.

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Comments
ghostwriter ══╣Me in Spirit╠══
What you described is very much like myself. I was with one woman in my life where I experienced that you described in your last sentence. I often felt as if we rose off the bed and were drifting in space, no longer aware of my physical body, but felt as if I had melted into her and we were one. This is how I make love though. I am so not into the typical sex or physical desires most people have. Love and passion runs deep within me.
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
mm *nods* this is what I look for in sex, that transcendent connection.
b00kl0ver ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣artless╠══
glad that definition works for you *smiles*

you're welcome! thanks for reading and considering.
laeryn ══╣BRAINS╠══
I hope this doesn't come off as rude or anything, but this is fascinating to read. This is something I don't usually talk about around, but despite the fact that I do have a great desire for sex, I have a lot of issues with it and, well, I don't have much sex at all. And I guess it really appeals to me reading about people who're actually comfortable with it and know themselves so well. I wish I could be like that one day, I guess. Such interesting posts you write.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
not rude in the least! I am very glad you find my writing interesting *beams*
ravensong ══╣Pagan: Freyja╠══
I have totally masturbated just to help me fall asleep or alleviate some kind of bodily pain.

(Though I do have a desire for sex. :P)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
*nods* it works really well for my cramps, better than anything except a long massage of my abs.
ysabetwordsmith ══╣╠══
Wow!
That is a fascinating orientation. Not sure I've seen it before, but I will watch now. I suspect it may happen with other demi folks.

It may also be related to "service tops" in kink, who enjoy doing things to other people not based on their own plans but whatever the bottom wants. That's a reflective function too.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
Re: Wow!
hm, I could see it being a thing for demisexual people more than for others.

I don't see service tops or people who "top from the bottom" as reflective -- I think they are still following their own intrinsic desire, they're just remixing the usual initiator=dominant, recipient=submissive dynamic. So, they want to be submissive, and they are willing to be the initiator in that submission, or they want to be dominant, and they are willing to be the recipient in that dominance. I kinda see those as more extreme versions of submission or dominance.

My instinctive reaction to the idea of giving any kind of service is strongly negative. I will do a lot of things for my lover, to the point of muscles cramping and beyond, but if it is put in the context of serving I will instantly lose interest in even the mildest act. My submission is much more feral, and something as structured as service would take me right out of it.
volamonster ══╣rakshas╠══
This gave me a lot of food for thought! Especially since I'm asexual but enjoy kink without sexual elements. I love biting (receiving especially--and HARD!), and violet wand play, and fire play, and impact play. And probably other things I haven't yet tried. I can give or receive any of these things and enjoy it for different reasons, and I think my ideal situation is to be able to both give and receive with any given person, although I can strictly give or receive if that's their preference. I enjoy submission and dominance both, depending on the person and the relationship, although I am largely uncomfortable with dominating for complicated reasons.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
Yay biting! nobody ever loves biting as much as me. What does biting feel like, for you? I'm super interested because the people I bite like it because it is sexy to them. But while it can be sexy for me, it is not necessarily sexual, and I would still want to bite if there was no sex. I sometimes call them "teeth hugs" because that's sort of how it feels.

Curious also about your discomfort with dominating. I am uncomfortable with it in some ways too, mostly because when others want to be dominated they don't seem to realize how much work that is. Maybe it's because I'm not intrinsically dominant, but dominating someone is a massive effort if you're doing it right (being cognizant of all signals to maintain consent) and while submitting might be an emotional release and be somewhat draining due to that, it doesn't take nearly as much physical, mental, and emotional labor. At least, that's how it seems to me.
volamonster ══╣wendigo╠══
Teeth hugs!! That is such a good way to put it. If it's not within the context of kink, then it totally feels like teeth hugs. In fact, I don't really do this often because people don't typically like it, but if a person likes it, I will kind of rest my chin on them, look at them, and then bite them--it's a playful/loving sort of gesture? I'm not much of one for traditional types of romantic physical behavior, or sighing wistfully while gazing at my partner, but I LOVE to do these slightly more animal-like gestures of affection. They feel more natural for me. I'm not sure why.

I am uncomfortable with dominating because I am uncomfortable with the consent risks involved. I have to be able to be certain (as certain as anyone can ever be) that the sub is 300% certain they want whatever it is we might be doing. Feeling that comfortable and confident about the sub's wishes is very uncommon for me, though.
meteorology ══╣sexuality╠══
I don't masturbate out of desire for sex; I do it as a gift to my body, or because I want menstrual cramps to go away, or to be able to fall asleep quickly, or because I want to meditate and can't focus enough without involving my body.

I've always seen masturbation this way too. Although, whenever I've tried to explain it to people, I've gotten the impression that this is unusual somehow, and that for most people masturbation is inherently linked with sex. I knew about masturbation long before I knew about partnered sex though, so maybe I just never made the connection. But it's good to know that someone else feels the same in this sense.

(Edited to fix formatting error)
belenen ══╣self-love╠══
Yeah! Glad you get it! I know it is unusual that I do not fantasize when I masturbate. It can actually be a form of meditation for me, because my mind is empty when I do it.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.