September 2019
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Hi new friends! about me / slurs hurt me / if I hurt you, lemme know / sincere questions are welcome

icon: "hopeful (close-up photo of me wearing cat-eye makeup, jewels on my cheek, and a violet glitter goatee. I'm gazing off to the side with a hopeful smile.)"

I have added a lot of awesome new people recently, and I'm very excited to have the chance to get to know you! I recently wrote an 'about me' that is exceedingly dense and comprehensive: it describes my identity, core values, personality characteristics, my attitudes about language and art and friendship, my access needs, and my spirituality. That is very long, so here is a summary:

It takes a while for the average person to come to understand me because I differ from average in ways that many people don't even realize exist. I am extremely deliberate about language and careful to avoid slurs and stereotyping slang. I break a lot of binaries and I talk about oppression and privilege. I have access needs due to my ADD-PI focus and auditory processing difficulties: the biggest access need I have is an understanding that I have a very glitchy memory. I value all creative action, and despise snobbery about art. I'm very spiritual and anti-dogma. I value friendship and loathe being in hierarchical or role-based relationships.

The most important part is the part about slurs. You probably use some of these (ableist slurs are really common), and it will probably break my heart a little bit every time. Sometimes I will take damage and betray my beliefs rather than discuss it, because I am afraid of losing people, but when I feel strong enough, I will ask people not to use these. I can handle it when it's an occasional slip-up and generally people try not to use them, but if it is constant, I just can't take it. So, here's your easy exit if you feel this is an incompatibility -- you can unfriend me with no ill will (please let me know with a comment, because LJ has been failing to notify me).

If there is ever something I do or say that hurts you or seems to be adding to systemic injustice, please let me know. I can promise that I will look at my behavior and if there is a way for me to change my behavior to prevent hurt (without violating my core values) then I will absolutely make that change as quickly and completely as I can. Relevantly, I'm bad at guessing what needs a content note/trigger warning but tell me and I will keep a list and do my best to remember.

I can be rude but I am never disrespectful on purpose, and I am never (intentionally) rude to people who are open to learning. My gentleness is most often expressed privately, because that is usually how people with sincere questions approach me. Feel free to ask me any question anytime, as long as it is sincere and you're not going to get angry if I take a while to answer or need a reminder because I have forgotten.

CN: ableist slurs used in comments (by a new friend who is now unfriended).

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47 stars
yonjuunana ══╣47 stars╠══
I'm deeply committed to fighting ableism, I'm autistic and have other mental health disabilities that are a huge part of my life, but I might sometimes slip up and use ableist words precisely because I'm autistic and have a bit of a language disability because of that and it can be really hard for me to pick out individual words from my vocabulary and remove them. It's a catch-22 I've seen a lot, words being ableist, but expecting people with language disabilities to be able to communicate in a certain way and use words very precisely and deliberately also being ableist. Not always sure how to resolve this. It's complicated. In my own spaces I try to give a lot more weight to what people mean, rather than what particular words people use.

I'm not sure if this makes us incompatible. You seem cool but we might have competing access needs.
belenen ══╣╠══
I completely understand how difficult it is to get some of these out of one's vocabulary. It can be hurtful but when people really care and make an effort that makes a world of difference. I don't need anyone to be perfect: I need to feel like people care and want to not use them. So, I don't think we are incompatible.
suckyfucky ══╣╠══
I'm vulgar as fuck.
belenen ══╣╠══
I don't give a shit about vulgarity - I often prefer the company of people who are really fuckin vulgar. That's not what I'm talking about.
suckyfucky ══╣╠══
I lump it all together under vulgar. I typically stay away from slurs, but I do regularly make blantant racist/homophobic/rape/whathaveyou zingers every once and a while Because I find the offensive funny.

So I'm just warning you. My vulgarity will offend you at some point.
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
Taking joy in other people's pain, even indirectly, is definitely not something I'm comfortable with. You're right, we should just go ahead and call it.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣antagonistic╠══
[they responded with a slur]

Fuck you.
suckyfucky ══╣╠══
No need to get hostile. Lame is not a slur. I should have elaborated more and said "Lame we can't have a conversation, ie talk about what is offensive and why we're offended." since I find a lot of your topics on eljay intriguing.

Because that's the whole point of offensive humor. Is to get people talking about issues they often avoid.

But okay, fuck you too.
belenen ══╣challenging╠══
Yes need to get hostile. I literally just explained in multiple ways how slurs are harmful to me and others, and you responded with a slur. This is an unambiguous attack. Also, the point of offensive 'humor' is for people to reinforce the status quo and bond over the othering of oppressed groups. To get people talking about oppression, one fucking talks about oppression. There is no positive effect from making oppressive jokes, while there is harmful effect - and I say that from empirical evidence, not mere personal opinion.
suckyfucky ══╣╠══
What the fuck was the slur? Lame? Are you serious?

It's a pun. I guess. I get it!

And if we never had this conversation I never would have known. I literally NEVER think of the older (imo) definitions of lame. I stick with the 80s.

Omg. I already unfriended you so no worries cuz we could NEVER be friends but thank you for this lesson. So good 👍👍😂
belenen ══╣contemptuous╠══
clearly you didn't even fucking read the entries about slurs.

*dusts off hands*
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thanks lovey <3
slipjig ══╣╠══
Thank you for outlining this. I try my damnedest not to be disrespectful even to those I cannot abide (I'm sure some close to me would argue I'm sometimes too fair), but I know I slip on language on occasion. Please feel free to bring it to my attention if I do; I want to keep learning how to do this coexistence-with-the-rest-of-the-world thing better.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you, I appreciate this response! I will try to take it to heart and point out if I notice a slip with regard to slurs.
raidingparty ══╣╠══
I want to be able to say horrible things...
... but peoples' well being is more important than my sense of humor. To that end, I'll take a 25-year moratorium on that kind of joke. Given how slowly things are changing, it might be yet another 25 years before it's non-hurtful, but who knows? I'm hopeful in that regard.
belenen ══╣incitement╠══
yes! exactly. *nods*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.