Belenen (belenen) wrote,

relationships review: Topaz, Kylei, Heather, Allison, Cass, Serenity, Arizona, Evelyn, Sande, etc

icon: "disconnected (a gif of the lovers from the tv show "Moonlight" standing on opposite sides of a door and both looking devastated. One leans their forehead on the door and the other leans their face on their hand on the doorsill. Underneath the repeating gif is the word 'pain' in a handwriting-font.)"

My relationship with Topaz is maybe the best it has ever been right now. Time together is nourishing, refreshing, and connected, and we're not falling into negative loops like we were for a while. Even though this past week or so we have slacked off about maintaining our time apart, our time together has been really wonderful.

They're dating two other people now (Cass and Jess) which seems to be good for them, so I'm pleased and feel more confident that practicing polyamory works for us and will continue to work for us. They've also been investing more in their friendships with Sydney and Heather lately, which makes me happy all around. Recently they did a sweet 'act of service' thing for Heather which indirectly made me feel loved.

In April Kylei and I had a clash about them not prioritizing me over anything else and thus never getting around to spending time with me. They said they were sorry and would try to change that, and I've been trying to spend time with them since then, but it has been many cancellations or postponements and then cancellations. At a certain point it becomes very difficult for me to keep on believing that someone values time with me when they spend their time on everything else.

We had a discussion about it via email over the last few days and they said that they can't handle working it out right now, they have too much going on. So we're on hiatus until at the end of July, at least. I really don't know what to do about this mess. I tried to express how urgently important I felt it was. I also feel hurt indirectly because Kylei has not been investing in our mutual people either, and I thought we shared that value.

Heather I have not spent much time with lately because they have been dealing with heavy health stuff and I'm not good at the kind of long distance communication that they prefer -- I prefer planned and turn-based and they prefer impromptu and real-time. But we did have one impromptu videochat recently and that was lovely for me (and I hope for them) and I'm going to try and do that more.

Allison has been planning their wedding and generally quite busy, so we haven't seen much of each other but when we have, they've gone out of their way to make it easier for me. They know that I'm very low on money and that going out of the house on my own is difficult for both my brain and my wallet, so one time they stopped by my house (to give me an amazing handmade paper acorn with an acorn necklace inside, inviting me to be their bridesperson) and another time they picked me up before and dropped me off after. And without me mentioning it, they asked if it bothered me when a stranger misgendered me, and offered to correct them next time. Allison just gets more and more wonderful and I am glad to have them in my life!

Cass I spent one-on-one time with twice in the past two weeks (once planned and once impromptu) and both times were very nourishing and relaxed and I left more energized than when I arrived (usually social interactions leave me at about an even keel or maybe a bit drained, especially if I have to drive an hour there and back). They ask good questions, show curiosity and do their best to make sure they fully understand, are open with me, and are generous with cuddles. Also, they verbally notice my mood/energy shifts, which I find reassuringly connecting and appreciate because it helps me be more aware of what is going on in my own self.

Serenity is super amazing. I have never had a housemate who was almost always net-positive to be around (and net-neutral rather than net-negative at other times). They make food and share with me, they don't create food messes I have to deal with (and don't fuss about my craft projects laying around for days), they share great conversation with me, they help me motivate to craft and clean, etc! And one time when I was feeling super overwhelmed they listened and empathized and helped me calm down. And they are open with me and share their thoughts and feelings, talk with me without guilting me into ever continuing longer than I want to. They've been here two months now and still, I have yet to have any interactions that were off-putting at all.

Arizona I got to spend time with twice in the past month, both times very sweet and connected. It's still hard to maintain over distance, but we're doing so much better this year, thanks to snapchatting mostly.

Evelyn has mostly been busy, but I have gotten to spend time with them twice since Euphoria, and both times were very connected and meaningful and gave me things I reflected on a good deal afterward. They happily agreed to listen to my favorite Noe Venable songs, and were duly impressed at the wide range of style and sound. We only got through about half though, and next time is their turn to introduce me to some stuff, so the rest will have to wait.

Most of my other close people (Hannah, Sydney, Kat, Sande) I haven't gotten to spend much time with or talk much with, though I did get to spend a little time with Sande at the Land Trust when I went there with Serenity. I have had some great one-on-one conversations with Katie, Rocky, and Elliott, all of whom I would like to build closer connections with.

Last night was really wonderful. Topaz hosted a gather and Sande, Allison, Heather, Brian, Cass, and Jess came, and the 8 of us had alcohol and snacks and just hung out and talked. It was very relaxed. I got very drunk (first time in a long while, and more drunk than usual). I got sad at one point, thinking about Kylei and feeling abandoned, but people were kind to me and helped me feel better.

I loved watching everyone interact. I think this is the first time I felt like Allison was there for more than just me -- it's quite possible that happened before but this time I felt like Allison would still have attended if I didn't, and that made me happy. And I didn't catch much of what was being said, but Sande and Topaz seemed to have conversations with lots of resonance which pleased me lots. And I cuddled with Topaz and Sande and Cass and a little with Allison, all of which were sweet nourishing cuddles.

I'm realizing the more I think on it that I am really deeply sad about Kylei. I feel really lost and adrift. I feel a deep sadness in the loss of hope for being close with them anytime soon. I think it could still happen eventually but I no longer can trick myself into thinking it's just around the corner, next week maybe. It's not going to be soon. And I miss Kylei in particular, or rather, I miss the way we used to connect. I miss their magic. I miss doing magic together.
Tags: allison, arizona, cass, evelyn, gathers, heather, kylei, pain, relationships, sande, serenity, those passing through, topaz, turning points

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