May 2019
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anxiety very high for days / Kanika injured, vet visit, healing now / meds issue / all the stresses

icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

I have had really high anxiety for the past five days. Eating became really difficult; I've managed a food bar once a day and other than that it has been a struggle. I don't know if this is situational or because they gave me a different anxiety pill (same med, supposedly, but by a different manufacturer) but I have not been able to calm myself down like I should.

[CN/TW for pet injury (Kanika is healing now)]
At like 3am on Friday I realized that my cat had an abscess on their butt, and after googling concluded that it was a ruptured anal sac which required antibiotics at the least. I frantically looked for options to take Kanika to the vet, and sent out emails, then went to sleep and when I woke up, called everyone who had responded and asked about payment plans or other options. No one would do payment plans for any cost less than $200, and the quote I got for the cost of Kanika's needs ranged between $85-150, when all I had was $30. One vet office gave me the number of a person who offers free vet care, and I called them and left a message despite thinking it wouldn't work. (that vet office is the one I will most definitely use next time I actually have money)

They called me back later that night and said they were offering care the next morning and could help Kanika. I was hugely relieved but also in disbelief, and couldn't really believe I was getting free care until I was actually in the RV which was set up as a mobile exam room. Kanika was fairly easy to put in the carrier, which scared me because they are never docile, and they were purring with distress when I was trying to put them in. I held Kanika's scruff as the vet examined their wound, and I think that the fact that I was able to stay and talk with Kanika the whole time made it much less traumatic. The vet said that the wound was open and draining so didn't need cleaning or lancing, then gave them a shot, shaved the area, and finally expressed the anal sacs, which was very painful and Kanika grabbed and bit me without thinking (not very hard, but enough to leave marks).

After Kanika was finished and back in the carrier, the vet gave me a prescription for antibiotics and told me I could get them free at Publix, then gave me a little speech and pamphlet about their love for God. I thanked them and told them that when I get my next job I will donate. I felt awkward because while I do worship the same deity, Jesus isn't my only one and while I felt a resonance with them living out their faith in this way, I felt like they'd be insulted if I told them that I'm similar. Maybe they wouldn't be, but *shrugs* So I just smiled and nodded at them and left.

I'm still worried about Kanika because the wound is so wide open and they lick it every day. I don't know how it will heal. I have to give them antibiotics every 12 hours, which sets a constant rolling deadline which I find very anxiety-inducing. I also just discovered they have worms again so I ordered medicine for that but I'm stressed at the delay before I can give them the meds.

Also I'm constantly running a background mourning about Kylei, and I'm worried about a friend who is going through an intense loss. I'm also deeply concerned about another friend who has a major event happening this week that decides their quality of life, essentially. I am part of this event as a support, and am empathetically so anxious for it to be done, and done in the best possible way. And also, at the end of this week the application for my dream job closes, and I plan to go in to the office with letters of recommendation and try to wrangle an interview or at least a good impression, and I am mega scared of doing that. Also I have only gotten one of the promised letters so far and I feel bad sending more than two reminders but I know I must.

So the fact that my anxiety has been so high for days could have nothing to do with the pills and be purely situational. But the pills also are a fucking stress because they only gave me a 15 day supply for almost as much as it costs to buy a 30 day supply by the other manufacturer, because my psychiatrist wrote the instructions down wrong (it's supposed to be 1.5 pills per day of 30mg, not 3 pills per day of 15mg). And I have to go fix this somehow and I'm so angry that they didn't listen to me when I was there and they made me think I was getting my normal pills, not this fucking inadequate pile of shit.

Ugh. The good news is it seems to finally be letting up a bit. Yesterday I could barely do anything but today I did manage to tidy my room (only a little bit, but still), work on my timeline, and make myself a real meal and actually finish eating it. And I wrote this. I hate how my thinking gets stuck now, and I can't just be like "okay brain, let's be logical. What is the worst possibility, and how would you handle it? See, life would still be worth living" and then move on. Even though I use the same coping skills, they just don't work if the anxiety is based on an upset system rather than the situation that it is pretending is the problem. My brain won't even drop it for a minute when it's in that state.

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sammason ══╣curlews╠══
I hear you. Here's my tattoo of curlews, meaning peace.
belenen ══╣magical╠══
thank you *resonates*
sammason ══╣curlews╠══
In case you hadn't noticed: the 2 flying curlews on my back fly up. A weight lifting off my shoulders. May your shoulders lighten.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
Oh, I hadn't realized that, thanks for explaining! that's beautiful.
sammason ══╣curlews╠══
As it happens, the 18th century naturalist who made this engraving, and many others, deserves his fame. He was Thomas Bewick. Bewick's swan is named after him. His home county, Northmberland, is only a few miles from where I sit right now.
A19 ★ before i crumble to dust
ragnarok_08 ══╣A19 ★ before i crumble to dust╠══
I'm so sorry that all of that is happening - I hope that Kanika will be all right soon.

kanika kitty
belenen ══╣kanika kitty╠══
thank you -- they do seem to be healing up nicely!
feladrone ══╣╠══
Oh no :(

I hope things look up for you soon. All of that is a lot to handle at once.

belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the empathy and well-wishes *hearts*
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
It sounds like you're having a really bad week. Any one of those situations is enough to cause anxiety, and all that at once... I see how it could definitely be overwhelming. If there's any way I can help, let me know. (((Hugs)))
belenen ══╣confused╠══
Hey, if this is someone I know -- you forgot to log in!

thank you for the empathy.
peachpai ══╣cats╠══
I'm glad you were able to find some medical care for your kitty - it's so scary when pets have health problems. I hope you are able to get your prescription sorted out soon, that suuuuucks! D:
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you, I did finally get it sorted!
kehlen ══╣╠══
Can anything be done to help you through the Internet?
belenen ══╣giving╠══
I'm afraid not, but I appreciate the thought!
fairytaleguise ══╣╠══
I'm sorry you're having a rough time; that's a lot of stress to handle all at once. I wish Kanika speedy healing, and for you to find some peace and internal rest soon.
kanika kitty
belenen ══╣kanika kitty╠══
thank you *hearts* Kanika seems to be healing well, and my anxiety has settled back to a more manageable level.
fairytaleguise ══╣╠══
I'm glad for both things.
br0ken_dolly ══╣╠══
poor kitteh! sick animals always make me extra anxious, even when it's treatable. (yay free vet care!) totally empathize :(
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you for the empathy -- Kanika seems to be healing well!
webgirluk ══╣pic#124969441╠══
I'm sorry to hear about Kanika and can understand it's been a worrying time worrying for them, things with Kylei and other stresses. I hear you over it being not an easy thing to figure out when anxiety is situational. Hope you're feeling calmer now, anyway.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
I am feeling much calmer, thank you <3
zimtkeks ══╣╠══
I hope the antibiotics have already helped Kanika and you can now (or soon) get rid of the worms.

With all that's been going on, it's no wonder you've been struggling. Hope things will get better soon!
kanika kitty
belenen ══╣kanika kitty╠══
They have helped -- the wound looks completely healed to me. I have to get some more wet food before I can give them the worm meds because if it's not their favorite stuff they will not eat it with medicine in it. Hope to do that tomorrow!
silly dog
colesdragon ══╣silly dog╠══
That seems like a lot of stuff to go through at once! I hope you're feeling somewhat better now.

And, I totally feel you on the prescription mess up. I normally get a 10mL sized bottle of testosterone and it lasts me almost a year. Apparently there are now new laws in my state that depending on the prescribed dosage for testosterone, the pharmacy can only supply enough to last about 3 months. So, instead of it being cheaper for me because it's a smaller amount I'm still getting charged the same price as a much larger supply :/
belenen ══╣dammit╠══
I am, thank you!

Ugh, that is really annoying and shitty about your prescription! :-{
meri_sielu ══╣runes╠══
I completely empathise with the stressful week and anxiety, especially when it comes to our beloved furred companions. I do hope that Kanika is on the mend and you feel calmer now. Sending lots of loving healing energy your way.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
Kanika is healed, as far as I can tell! The skin looks like it was never damaged. And I am indeed feeling much calmer. Thank you!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.