Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

anxiety very high for days / Kanika injured, vet visit, healing now / meds issue / all the stresses

icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

I have had really high anxiety for the past five days. Eating became really difficult; I've managed a food bar once a day and other than that it has been a struggle. I don't know if this is situational or because they gave me a different anxiety pill (same med, supposedly, but by a different manufacturer) but I have not been able to calm myself down like I should.

[CN/TW for pet injury (Kanika is healing now)]
At like 3am on Friday I realized that my cat had an abscess on their butt, and after googling concluded that it was a ruptured anal sac which required antibiotics at the least. I frantically looked for options to take Kanika to the vet, and sent out emails, then went to sleep and when I woke up, called everyone who had responded and asked about payment plans or other options. No one would do payment plans for any cost less than $200, and the quote I got for the cost of Kanika's needs ranged between $85-150, when all I had was $30. One vet office gave me the number of a person who offers free vet care, and I called them and left a message despite thinking it wouldn't work. (that vet office is the one I will most definitely use next time I actually have money)

They called me back later that night and said they were offering care the next morning and could help Kanika. I was hugely relieved but also in disbelief, and couldn't really believe I was getting free care until I was actually in the RV which was set up as a mobile exam room. Kanika was fairly easy to put in the carrier, which scared me because they are never docile, and they were purring with distress when I was trying to put them in. I held Kanika's scruff as the vet examined their wound, and I think that the fact that I was able to stay and talk with Kanika the whole time made it much less traumatic. The vet said that the wound was open and draining so didn't need cleaning or lancing, then gave them a shot, shaved the area, and finally expressed the anal sacs, which was very painful and Kanika grabbed and bit me without thinking (not very hard, but enough to leave marks).

After Kanika was finished and back in the carrier, the vet gave me a prescription for antibiotics and told me I could get them free at Publix, then gave me a little speech and pamphlet about their love for God. I thanked them and told them that when I get my next job I will donate. I felt awkward because while I do worship the same deity, Jesus isn't my only one and while I felt a resonance with them living out their faith in this way, I felt like they'd be insulted if I told them that I'm similar. Maybe they wouldn't be, but *shrugs* So I just smiled and nodded at them and left.

I'm still worried about Kanika because the wound is so wide open and they lick it every day. I don't know how it will heal. I have to give them antibiotics every 12 hours, which sets a constant rolling deadline which I find very anxiety-inducing. I also just discovered they have worms again so I ordered medicine for that but I'm stressed at the delay before I can give them the meds.


Also I'm constantly running a background mourning about Kylei, and I'm worried about a friend who is going through an intense loss. I'm also deeply concerned about another friend who has a major event happening this week that decides their quality of life, essentially. I am part of this event as a support, and am empathetically so anxious for it to be done, and done in the best possible way. And also, at the end of this week the application for my dream job closes, and I plan to go in to the office with letters of recommendation and try to wrangle an interview or at least a good impression, and I am mega scared of doing that. Also I have only gotten one of the promised letters so far and I feel bad sending more than two reminders but I know I must.

So the fact that my anxiety has been so high for days could have nothing to do with the pills and be purely situational. But the pills also are a fucking stress because they only gave me a 15 day supply for almost as much as it costs to buy a 30 day supply by the other manufacturer, because my psychiatrist wrote the instructions down wrong (it's supposed to be 1.5 pills per day of 30mg, not 3 pills per day of 15mg). And I have to go fix this somehow and I'm so angry that they didn't listen to me when I was there and they made me think I was getting my normal pills, not this fucking inadequate pile of shit.

Ugh. The good news is it seems to finally be letting up a bit. Yesterday I could barely do anything but today I did manage to tidy my room (only a little bit, but still), work on my timeline, and make myself a real meal and actually finish eating it. And I wrote this. I hate how my thinking gets stuck now, and I can't just be like "okay brain, let's be logical. What is the worst possibility, and how would you handle it? See, life would still be worth living" and then move on. Even though I use the same coping skills, they just don't work if the anxiety is based on an upset system rather than the situation that it is pretending is the problem. My brain won't even drop it for a minute when it's in that state.
Tags: anxiety / overwhelmed / stress, chemtrails, christianity, kanika, kylei, those passing through
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