October 2017
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hateful anonymous comments / shame over Mercury's death


icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

So today was really shitty. Someone posted anonymously on two of my posts, on my hpv post calling me "promiscuous" (as if that's a thing) which wouldn't have bothered me if not for the other comment they left, saying that people shouldn't listen to me about cat food because I "poisoned and murdered" my betta fish. It was more than a year and a half ago that I wrote about Mercury's death.

That brought up all my guilt and regret over that... [TW/CN for death of pet fish]In the moment it felt so awful I felt like I was in a nightmare. My fish had gotten injured, its eye was swollen to 10 times normal size, seemed in pain, barely moved, wasn't eating. I felt bad for it and didn't want it to slowly starve to death in pain, and looked up ways to euthanize it. I watched a video where someone used clove to put their fish to sleep for a surgery (in a low dose you can use it as an anesthetic). It looked peaceful, painless, kind.

But when I tried it, I must have done something wrong, because my fish didn't peacefully drift off. It was clear that it was upset -- it had barely moved for three days and when I added the clove it started thrashing.
I felt so awful. I regret it so deeply. I hate myself for it. I feel like I should have not tried something like that, I should have waited longer to see if my fish would improve. If I could go back in time I would undo it. I worry that the fish wasn't in pain at all until I caused pain and suffering and death. Maybe I killed it because looking at it stressed me out and I projected my suffering. I hate that I did this. I feel deeply ashamed.

I'm mentioning it now because this is how I cope with being afraid people will learn something shameful about me and hate me: I confess. Now you can make your choice and avoid me if you need to.

A few weeks ago Pluto (my last betta, which I got when I got Mercury) died, and I couldn't bear to move the body for days because I was worried that maybe it wasn't really dead and maybe I'd take it out and it would suffer and die from shock (it was very old and had been lethargic for months). I just... I could hardly process the death. I couldn't have borne accidentally causing another of my fish to suffer so much that it died.

Anyway the fact that this person clearly has been reading my stuff for a long time, wanted to discredit me, and wanted to hurt me is really disturbing. I think it was someone who was angry about me criticizing intellectual elitism and use of the slur st*pid. I have had plenty of trolls over the years, but trolls don't know how to hurt me. This person did. I don't know who it was, but congratulations, you hurt me. I have no defense about this: it was wrong and I wish I hadn't done it.


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Comments
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ravensong ══╣Love: Heart╠══
You only wanted what was best for Mercury. That's not something to be ashamed about.

Whoever this anonymous commenter was needs to grow a pair and actually show themselves. It's easy to say whatever you want when people don't know who you are.

That said, I clearly have no reason or want to avoid you. *hugs*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the reassurance *hearts*
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
You researched what you could do for your fish and tried to do the right thing. It may not have been the right thing, but you had good intentions and reason to believe that what you were doing would spare the fish from pain. I can't actually imagine that anyone could hold this against you unless they were already biased against you for some other reason. I think this person has a grudge against you for some reason that they're not telling you, probably because their real reason would not hurt you, so they're deliberately dredging up any random detail they might be able to hurt you with.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
I feel like that's true. Thank you for the reassurance *hearts*
wanderipity ══╣╠══
Read the links.. I hope you do not worry so <3 . Please feel better.

That anonymous commenter is such a coward.. Can't even reveal themselves to discuss with you.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the kind thoughts and reassurance *hearts*
cactus_rs ══╣sad╠══
If someone has that kind of beef with you, they could just...unfriend you and stop reading. Lashing out like that is so childish and reflects very poorly on them. Way more poorly than what happened with Mercury.

You log IP addresses here; maybe you can figure out who it might have been and take steps to address the issue.

*hugs*
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I did look up the IP address but it wasn't local, so I'm still not sure who it was.
cactus_rs ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
meteorology ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry that someone has brought this up, and I think it was very cruel of them to do so. I won't go into why but I can empathise over causing a pet to suffer when you truly didn't mean to, and I know the guilt can be awful.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you for the understanding and empathy *hearts* I am sorry that you know this feeling too.
kehlen_crow ══╣╠══
I agree with everything others have said.

*hugs*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back*
jeune_fleur ══╣╠══
*hugs*. I admire you for letting yourself be honest and vulnerable. Screw anons. You just proved them that you're the better person <3.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the encouragement *hearts*
enkanowen ══╣╠══
Ugh that person is awful and clearly a coward because they had to hide behind anonymity. Something like that is why I turned off anon for my journal, but you shouldn't have to because people shouldn't be this vicious.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the empathy. I am sorry you have had similar experiences!
the_hag ══╣╠══
It always bothers me when someone uses anonymity to bully and hurt people. I'm so sorry that this happened. It's not right or fair. I agree with the poster who suggested you might be able to seek recourse or at least find out who did it through the IP log.

Hugs to you (if you would like them). :-)
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the empathy *accepts and returns hugs* I looked up the IP but it wasn't local so I don't have much idea who it might be.
fairytaleguise ══╣╠══
I'm so horrified that someone would use anon as an excuse to be so petty and bullying. Holding someone against someone just to drag it out later is a very low thing to do.

You wanted to alleviate Mercury's suffering. I can only imagine how painful it was for you when it didn't go smoothly.

I don't know how you feel about e-hugs, but if you feel ok with them we would like to extend one to you (and if not then just know we are sending support and are sorry you had to deal with this).
belenen ══╣healing╠══
yes, thank you *accepts hugs* I am relieved that you don't hold it against me. A lot of people don't see fish as having real feelings but I know that you know they do, and so I was more worried about how you would feel about it than most. So thank you for being so kind and empathetic about it *hearts*
fairytaleguise ══╣╠══
mr_sadhead ══╣╠══
What kind of person throws up a thing from somebody's past to try and hurt them -- somebody they don't know? That's flat-out mean. I trust that the person who did that is a jerk in person and will probably never be happy in their life -- they should try to fix themselves before weighing in on somebody else's business.
belenen ══╣confused╠══
yeah I don't understand it -- I would never do something like that. *frowns*
re_vised ══╣╠══
Wow, that person has some other things they need to work through. I'm sorry this happened! :(
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the empathy
calico_pye ══╣╠══
Sorry to hear about your fish. Were the comments screened, or on public view? I have mine screened as trolls write all sorts of crap and I don't wish to give them that kind of public arena.

Hoping you feel better soon :-)
belenen ══╣strong╠══
All anonymous comments are automatically screened, and I'll only unscreen them if I feel like they're adding something to the discussion or if I want to mock them.

I do feel better, thank you.
heyslowdown ══╣╠══

I'm sorry someone would try to hurt you like this; I don't understand what their motivation would be.


I felt a lot of guilt when I lost a betta fish too, thought it was all my fault.

belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the empathy and understanding *hearts* I am sorry that you had guilt over your loss -- it is hard to deal with loss anyway and when there is guilt on top that makes it much harder.
ragnarok_08 ══╣AoT ★ in stillness╠══
Ugh, that person is just a coward to want to hurt you and discredit you - I'm so sorry that happened :(

*hugs*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you for the empathy *hugs back*
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.