May 2019
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recently: depressed, still job-hunting, home suddenly uncertain

icon: "tenebrous (a shadowy orange-light photo of my face, looking down, with an achingly sad expression)"

So, I guess I put off the depression as long as I could. About three weeks ago I stopped being able to fend it off. I've been completely overwhelmed.

Illustrations from recent tweets:

Aug 24: Been in a weird, uncomfortable mindspace for days. Feel incapable of expression, basic functions are a struggle.
Aug 28: Tired of loss. Tired of lack. Tired of such tiny glimpses. Tired of trying to scrape together hope. Tired of peeling caked shit off my joy.
Aug 31: I need something joyful to anticipate. I don't have anything right now & can't imagine a way forward. Depression is up to my knees & rising.
Sept 5:
this scrawny sapling
dropped its leaves, bowing to drought
yet, roots keep stretching

my puny branches
empty, dried stiff, so fragile
ache, waiting for rain

Sept 9: [TW/CN: depression, suicidal thoughts]
-- TW/CN: depression, suicidal thoughts -- I feel helpless in the face of so much evil and ready to give up. I need to protect the land, the trees, the people, and I can't. This world is just going to get worse and worse no matter what. I hate everything. I'm so tired of keeping on living in a futile attempt to be helpful and not hurtful. I wish no one loved or depended on me so I could just go.
-- end TW/CN --

Sept 11: Where did all my magic & resilience go? I can't be nourished or create w/o superhuman effort. A scroll through my feed breaks me into bits.

I feel like there are blocks on every path but an increasing pressure pushing me forward against them. It seems like an endless succession of this-week-is-more-stressful-than-last, an endless series of needing to make efforts that I can't believe in. Every day that goes by with me not having a job feels like an additional punch of hopelessness and additional proof that I will never be valued by people in power enough to make even what I need to survive. I feel a need to protect myself from more punches so that I don't get too anxious/depressed to function or live, but I have no way to do so. So every day I feel more pressure to get a job immediately, which I have no real control over.

In five months of job hunting, I have applied to so many jobs, literally hundreds. I have gotten a response from no more than five. I have had one interview -- and not for one of the jobs that will actually pay a living wage, but from a cashiering job. Hopefully I will get that and it will tide me over until I can get something that will allow me to actually use my skills, live without excessive worry, and be able to help others. I suppose the good part of it is I have become much less afraid of applying in general. Constant rejection has burned out my sensitivity to it.

Most difficult is lacking something to look forward to. If there was something I could look forward to it would help, but literally every potential joy feels blocked off by one thing or another, and money is a large part of it of course. I can't imagine the future -- it is all greyed out and I feel completely helpless.

To add to this stress, my parents both just lost their jobs (though M has military retirement so they still have income) and my sibling S warned me that they are likely going to try to get me to move out of this house so they can sell it. Honestly it's not in sell-able condition so I think logically they will give up when they realize how impractical it is, but I'm not sure -- they would love to force me to come live with them instead, and that combined with the fact that M is afraid of job hunting (having never had to do it before) may mean that they are willing to take a huge loss to have money now. I live here for free because I literally have no money.

The house is in bad shape -- not rent-able or sell-able -- and if they didn't have someone here to empty the dehumidifiers regularly it would be a pile of mold. So, the only way I can see them actually selling/renting it is if they get family members to come work on it for months to repair/re-floor/paint the downstairs bathroom (which currently has no sink or tub or shower, has unfinished walls and a warped & stained linoleum floor), fix the upstairs toilet, fix the warped kitchen floor, fix the broken fridge, replace the warped front door & screen door, repair the dishwasher, probably repaint the kitchen cabinets, replace a bunch of the windows to make it less of a moisture sieve, deal with whatever creatures in the attic have chewed through the wires in my ceiling fan, and probably get two more dehumidifiers to actually fix the problem (the two I have barely can keep up with it, and before I made my dad buy them there was mold growing on every porous surface). And if they're selling it they'll probably have to fix the driveway, which currently scrapes the belly of any car that dares to drive down.

Apologies to new friends -- it's not a great time to be meeting me, but hopefully things will take a turn for the better soon.

No advice, please, but as always you are welcome to share stories from your life.

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plan A
sammason ══╣plan A╠══
I hear you. Offering no advice but I want to ask, what about freelancing?
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
Freelancing is something I've had no success with despite lots of trying. As far as I can tell, you have to know people who can afford to pay you (or know people who can pass your info to such people), or you have to purchase advertising.
fairytaleguise ══╣╠══
I would like to share that for the last couple of years we have felt hopeless about money and jobs. The reasons are different of course - in our case we are simply not well enough to go out to work and have been out of work for so long that getting a job would be nigh impossible. Our partner is also not currently capable of work, and even if he were, he had to give up his previous career for health reasons and we live in a rural, deprived area with very few job prospects.

We have certainly felt very hopeless and as if we were sinking.

We still don't know that our current career plan will pan out, but aiming for it has given us hope tht we can find a way to support ourselves ourside of the standard "get a job" model, which clearly was not an option for us.

I also very much hope for something for you to look forward to, and for things to change for the better for you soon.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you very much for sharing and for the hope on my behalf *hearts*
cactus_rs ══╣Cancer╠══
*hugs* if you would like them.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thanks for the thought <3
br0ken_dolly ══╣╠══

Ugh. Money is such a horrible thing. The source of so much suffering. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now. I'm thinking positive thoughts for you <3

belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you *hearts*
ghostwriter ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
Thank you much for the hopes on my behalf *hearts*
stormdog ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry you are dealing with these things.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thanks for the empathy <3
Klaus Wolfgang Adler ══╣╠══
I hear you. Been out of work for 3 years.
belenen ══╣overwhelmed╠══
oof, that is heavy. It's a dreadful position to get stuck in.
daphnep ══╣╠══
I'm sorry. And I hear you loudly on the "having things to look forward to". This is not only a coping mechanism against my own depression, but by now, simply an engrained feature of how I live my life: constantly tallying up the good things that await ahead, like hopscotch squares mapped in front of me. When you say you are lacking that, to me it shares your stress and anxiety even more keenly than your beautifully vivid portrait of your house.
belenen ══╣healing╠══
thank you for this comment; it made me feel very understood.
AoT ★ in stillness
ragnarok_08 ══╣AoT ★ in stillness╠══
I'm so sorry that you've been dealing with all of that :(
belenen ══╣artless╠══
slipjig ══╣╠══
Ai yi yi, that is a freaking lot to carry at one time. Hell, any one of the strains you're weathering is more than I wish on others, let alone all of the above. Wishing you strength, firm footing, a living wage, and a graceful change of fortune. *hugs offered, if wanted/needed*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you so much for the empathy and well-wishes *accepts and hugs back*
faceofisolation ══╣╠══
Ouch, five months of straight job hunting is brutal. I myself am entering month 8, but I have had some modest freelance income in the meantime which has taken a little bit of the edge off. Still, I can easily empathize with your mounting feelings of stress and worthlessness, like the longer I go without a job the more hopeless it feels, which in turn can have a huge affect on the number/quality of my applications (not to mention my ability to live the rest of my life).

I hope a job comes through soon, and that you find some peace in the meantime.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
*nods emphatically* thank you for the empathy and well-wishes, and I hope the same for you!
Icy Rose - vulnerability
call_me_katya ══╣Icy Rose - vulnerability╠══
I hope a job comes through. I hope *the right* job comes through and that either this, or something else unexpected occurs to give you a thing to look forward to.

I'm reducing my time on FB at the moment [have temporarily deleted the account but not sure how long this will last] as an attempt at self-protection as I was drowning under the pressure of it so I completely understand how it feels to try and avoid the punches and have no real idea how to.

I don't know what else to say but just... I hope things for you.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you, I appreciate the hopes on my behalf *hearts*
kehleyr ══╣╠══
Apologies to new friends -- it's not a great time to be meeting me No apologies are necessary <3... *sends hugs your way*
belenen ══╣console╠══
*accepts and hugs back*
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feladrone ══╣╠══
I'm so, so sorry that you've been feeling so awful. And that's a lot of hard shit to be going through all at once.

I really hope things get better <3 I'm sending you good vibes.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you for the empathy and hopes and good vibes <3
Roger Penguino ══╣╠══
I can relate to the feeling of being desensitized to fear of rejection. During the 2008 downturn, I lost my job and was unemployed for what felt like forever. It took 6 months before I heard from anyone. At last count I had submitted more than 500 applications. Since rejection didn't bother my anymore, I applied for more outlandish things. Eventually I got a job that was tangentially related to my skills, but very much with my values. It also gave me great freedom. I hope something works out for you soon.
belenen ══╣brewing╠══
oof, that is a long time and a loooot of applications. Thank you for the hopes *hearts*
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.