Belenen (belenen) wrote,

relationships review: Topaz, Serenity, Allison, Evelyn, Sande, Heather, Kylei, Cass, Jackie, Roger

icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

Haven't done this since July, which is pretty much the last time I felt mentally okay. Everything has been on hold for at least two months. I'm barely managing my current levels of anxiety. It was already at unprecedented levels due to not having a job yet and then my awful parents invaded my house. Them being in town and constantly in my fucking house makes me want to rip my own brain out. They've done more stressful shit since I last wrote but I just am so sick of talking about them. I want them gone, desperately want them GONE.

I haven't done anything social at all in September, and even my texting has dropped to near-nothing, and I still feel constantly overstimulated in the worst way. I'm going through all these fucking interviews AND working in a customer service job. TOO MUCH.

I'm sorry I haven't replied to comments for a while. I keep meaning to do it but for whatever reason that is the hardest part of LJ for me (I think due to fear of making someone feel slighted by missing their comment and responding to everyone but them) and I can't manage it at the moment. It is not a lack of care though -- I do very much appreciate the care and thoughtfulness you've all shown. It means a lot.

My relationship with Topaz is very good right now. We spend time together 2 or 3 times a week, which is our best rhythm I think. Neither of us has had much energy, so we spend most of our time together either co-working or watching netflix or cooking -- we don't often have deep conversations lately. I miss the intensity, but I'm not craving it like I do when I have the energy to connect on that level. We are still very playful and cuddly, especially with kissfights (where we hug and each try to kiss the other person's face and neck without getting kissed back).

My friendship with Serenity continues to grow, though at a slower rate over the past 5 weeks as my depression has sapped all my energy for social. Allison and I have been texting a lot more, which I like, and I feel closer to them though we haven't hung out much in the past few months.

Evelyn has been really overwhelmed by stuff in their life and we haven't talked much or seen each other since the end of July. Last I heard from them, they seemed to think that things will calm down in another two weeks -- I hope so but I'm feeling pessimistic.

Sande I haven't seen since mid-July I think -- they're also going through a ton of stuff but there's no end date in particular. We keep in touch fairly regularly via text, though not for the past month.

Heather I haven't seen since... I dunno, April? It feels like forever. They've been dealing with health stuff and staying with their family a lot. We don't communicate well over distance so we've been fairly out of touch. We did a video chat at some point but I can't remember when.

Kylei and I have been on hiatus since June I think -- they were not prioritizing time w me at all and it was hurting me too much. But we've spent time together a few times since then. I think and hope that we can spend more time together soon. I'd like to get to a place of being able to make regular plans.

Cass and I hung out several times throughout the summer, while their partner Kelsey was out of town. We had really nourishing talks several times and they took me to see the National Poetry Slam, which was mindblowingly amazing. We haven't hung out much lately because it is very difficult for me to go out when I'm feeling anxious/depressed, and it's very difficult for them to come to my house for various reasons. We haven't texted much lately -- I haven't felt up to initiating and I'm guessing the same is true for them.

Jackie has been a peripheral friend for a long time, but recently reached out to me in my depression and we've been interacting fairly regularly on facebook since then. Roger reached out recently also, and treated me to dinner at my favorite restaurant at the end of August. If I had more energy I would invest more in these two at the moment -- I feel kinda bad that I'm not responding in kind but I just don't have it in me right now.
Tags: allison, anxiety / overwhelmed / stress, biofamily, cass, evelyn, heather, kylei, relationships, roger, sande, serenity, those passing through, topaz, work

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