April 2018
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horrible bioparents finally gone, maybe I can return to life


icon: "bloodcurdling (photo of me w wide-eyed snarling wild expression wearing "Red Queen" makeup: searingly red lips, darkened pointed eyebrows, black eyeliner, deep red & black eyeshadow accented with gold & silver, and black-outlined silver hearts & diamonds with red shadows on my cheeks)"

Despite my best efforts I've only managed to post a handful of times in the past six weeks.
I'm so far behind on LJ that I will miss things as I go to catch up -- please forgive me if I make some clueless comment or something.

Not only did I start a new job that is physically and mentally exhausting (I have to do a lot of physical labor, stand for hours at a time, and memorize many things), my parents being here really ruined my mental health. They lie, they invade, they break and ruin, and they make up utter bullshit to justify themselves.

To get through them torturing me this way for a solid month, I spent every spare moment escaping. I rewatched the entirety of Friends despite its problems, because nostalgia made it engaging enough for escape (when I was agoraphobic I watched hours of Friends on DVD every day because it gave me a sense of connection).

After she went in my bedroom using the excuse of a beeping noise that was coming from DOWNSTAIRS, I explicitly told P not to go in my bedroom for any reason. Then she went in because she was 'afraid of a fire hazard' from my light bulb being close to some lace. First of all, I told her not to even look in my room. Secondly, not only was it not touching and had plenty of air flow, it was an LED BULB that is still cool to the touch after being on for 24+ hours. She lied about it being 'really hot' and I know this because I put my bare finger directly on the bulb after it had been on for more than a day. Goddamn nasty invasive piece of shit! I feel so deeply disgusted at this overt evil creepy nasty violation. Part of me wants to blast her via text about it but it would do no fucking good because she has built guardrails around realizing her own lies and treachery and there is no amount of pushing that will make her realize. I can't stand how easily she can betray me. It makes me actually nauseated.

M was equal parts attacking and controlling (trying to bully me into meeting at a particular time after I said no multiple times, misusing things that did not belong to him and refusing to replace them) and weirdly helpful and respectful (making an effort to get me home on time when I said I had plans later, taking me to get new shoes and groceries which he paid for). I hate that because it rips away my defenses. I cannot resist responding with openness when someone is respectful and kind but it makes it so much fucking worse when they are disrespectful.

I'm about to try and do some clearing, kick their energy out. Hopefully soon I will be able to put my brain in order and not feel so gross.

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Comments
wanderipity ══╣╠══
It is nice to hear from you regardless. It is crazy how people come up with silliest lies just to invade privacy.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you <3

Side note, please don't use the word 'crazy' that way on my LJ (explanation here: http://belenen.livejournal.com/648093.html )
ghostwriter ══╣╠══
giving
belenen ══╣giving╠══
<3
heyslowdown ══╣╠══

I zone out to shows like that too when stress is catching up with me.


No rush to answer this, since you sound exhausted, but any tips for getting over agoraphobia?

selfportraiture
belenen ══╣selfportraiture╠══
For me it was a combination of therapy working through the shit I'd been through, and gradually working myself up to going out by doing things like walking to the mailbox or the trash container. Taking photos a lot also helped, because it was a distraction and it was a prize for successfully going out.
libraspirit2101 ══╣╠══

I hope life settles down for you sooner rather than later.


Glad to hear that you've found work. It's grueling to endure the workpkace, but it's better than the alternative.

garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks, me too.
AoE ★ lovely absurdity
ragnarok_08 ══╣AoE ★ lovely absurdity╠══
I'm sorry that your parents were there for a while and that they caused a lot of stress for you :(

I watch shows when stress catches up with me too.

Glad that you've found work.
giving
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you <3
firestarter
volamonster ══╣firestarter╠══
Friends is a comfort show for me, too.

It makes me so angry to hear how they violate you like that, repeatedly. It's unjust and unfair and I'm sooooo glad they're gone.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you for the empathy <3
stormdog ══╣╠══
I'm glad you have your space back to yourself. I hope things improve for you.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks
zimtkeks ══╣╠══
Oh dear, I hope you'll find your balance again soon!
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks!
Friends - Moo Point
vixenofflames ══╣Friends - Moo Point╠══
I love Friends!! You just have to realize it was a product of the era it was made! My sister, cousin, and aunt are all obsessed too. I got ALL of my friends into it - I consider it one of my greatest contributions to the friends group, since I grew up watching it and they all were exposed to it in their early 20s. You can't even be a part of our friends group without being able to quote it! My ugly sweater this year is Friends-themed, and I've watched the entirety of the show more times than I can count. XD

Re: bioparents stuff - gross, and I'm sorry. I know that is such an awful feeling to be so casually violated. *hugs*
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I used to be that into it too! it's great when you can share something like that with people. I never had any friends who were into it.
darkestgarden ══╣╠══
So glad to hear that they're gone. I hate that you were subjected to such awful treatment.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you *hearts*
pic#126619583
feladrone ══╣pic#126619583╠══
Ugh, I'm so sorry that their visit went so badly. That's really not fair of her to invade your space like that. =/

I hope you're feeling better now that they're gone.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I have never had a positive experience of spending time with them that went for more than a day, rarely even that. it was horrific.

I am feeling better, thank you.
destined
marchioness ══╣destined╠══
It's fantastic that they're gone, and your space belongs to you, again.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yes! *breathes a sigh of relief*
residence
meteorology ══╣residence╠══
I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like their presence was very invasive and stressful, particularly going in your room when you had explicitly said not to do that! I hope you can start mentally reclaiming your space now that they're gone.
disassociative
belenen ══╣disassociative╠══
invasive and stressful indeed! I have reclaimed it some though it needs yet more work.
bayonetta ══╣╠══
Huge NO to P not respecting your personal space! Wow!

Not sure what to make of M's flip-flopping behavior. In any case, good on you for surviving. *hugs* Hang in there with work--I'm certain you're doing the best you can. *more hugs*
healing
belenen ══╣healing╠══
I know, right?!

thanks for the encouragement *hugs back*
magpie/crow friends
meri_sielu ══╣magpie/crow friends╠══
I am sorry you had to endure such disrespect... it sounds really uncomfortable and stressful to deal with. :(
healing
belenen ══╣healing╠══
it was, thanks for the empathy.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.