Belenen (belenen) wrote,

horrible bioparents finally gone, maybe I can return to life

icon: "bloodcurdling (photo of me w wide-eyed snarling wild expression wearing "Red Queen" makeup: searingly red lips, darkened pointed eyebrows, black eyeliner, deep red & black eyeshadow accented with gold & silver, and black-outlined silver hearts & diamonds with red shadows on my cheeks)"

Despite my best efforts I've only managed to post a handful of times in the past six weeks.
I'm so far behind on LJ that I will miss things as I go to catch up -- please forgive me if I make some clueless comment or something.

Not only did I start a new job that is physically and mentally exhausting (I have to do a lot of physical labor, stand for hours at a time, and memorize many things), my parents being here really ruined my mental health. They lie, they invade, they break and ruin, and they make up utter bullshit to justify themselves.

To get through them torturing me this way for a solid month, I spent every spare moment escaping. I rewatched the entirety of Friends despite its problems, because nostalgia made it engaging enough for escape (when I was agoraphobic I watched hours of Friends on DVD every day because it gave me a sense of connection).

After she went in my bedroom using the excuse of a beeping noise that was coming from DOWNSTAIRS, I explicitly told P not to go in my bedroom for any reason. Then she went in because she was 'afraid of a fire hazard' from my light bulb being close to some lace. First of all, I told her not to even look in my room. Secondly, not only was it not touching and had plenty of air flow, it was an LED BULB that is still cool to the touch after being on for 24+ hours. She lied about it being 'really hot' and I know this because I put my bare finger directly on the bulb after it had been on for more than a day. Goddamn nasty invasive piece of shit! I feel so deeply disgusted at this overt evil creepy nasty violation. Part of me wants to blast her via text about it but it would do no fucking good because she has built guardrails around realizing her own lies and treachery and there is no amount of pushing that will make her realize. I can't stand how easily she can betray me. It makes me actually nauseated.

M was equal parts attacking and controlling (trying to bully me into meeting at a particular time after I said no multiple times, misusing things that did not belong to him and refusing to replace them) and weirdly helpful and respectful (making an effort to get me home on time when I said I had plans later, taking me to get new shoes and groceries which he paid for). I hate that because it rips away my defenses. I cannot resist responding with openness when someone is respectful and kind but it makes it so much fucking worse when they are disrespectful.

I'm about to try and do some clearing, kick their energy out. Hopefully soon I will be able to put my brain in order and not feel so gross.
Tags: anxiety / overwhelmed / stress, biofamily, work

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