May 2019
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LJI topic 6, "heel turn": my unlucky feet, how I first heard Godde, & how I perceive that moment now

icon: "gamine (a photo of me as a seven-year-old child, freckled with frizzy hair and a solemn expression, leaning against a tree)"

My feet have always been the most unlucky part of me. I pulled a tendon in my foot so badly that I had to wear a cast; part of my heel got deeply scraped on a shell at the beach; the head of a nail made a hole in my heel when I was running down a boardwalk; I cut open the top of my foot falling down wooden stairs; and I almost sliced off my big big toe and second toe on the bottom of a broken bottle. But that last experience was the opposite of what you might think.

I was about 12 and my parents had taken me and my siblings to a park that had a waterfall and then a wide stretch of flat river. My dad made me give my water shoes to my brother because he was more accident prone (clearly they hadn't noticed the trend of my feet being unlucky) and so I was clambering around the rocks, barefoot. At one point I went to step on a mossy rock and I got a very strong internal "no" but having never experienced that before I ignored it and stepped. My foot slid right down into a hole between several rocks and I stumbled and realized that I had been cut. I called out to my parents, who were quite freaked out by the amount of blood gushing from my left foot, but I could only feel the small scrape on my right foot -- I think I was in shock.

As my dad carried me to the car and we drove to the nearest hospital (with the aid of a paper map), I was not thinking about the cuts at all. I was completely preoccupied with marveling that I had heard Godde's voice! I felt embarrassed that I hadn't listened, but I felt that I had been given proof that Godde loved me, not just generally but me in particular.

I have a very different perspective on that moment now, 22 years later. I can see a variety of alternate possibilities: my eyes took in information that I didn't consciously notice, and my subconscious sent a warning; nature spirits in the area knew of the danger and warned me; someone else had slipped there before and their pain had left an imprint that I subconsciously picked up on (this one I consider the most likely). Whatever the case, some being (even if it was just my self) was watching out for me and trying to communicate with me.

It still feels like a magical moment, and looking back I can see that it had a profound effect on my sense of self and the way that I perceived the world. Back then, it caused me to believe that Godde wanted to spare me pain because they loved me uniquely, and that I could listen on a deep level to get information that would keep me safe. As a kid who never felt safe or secure, that was something I really needed. I no longer believe in a singular, all-powerful deity who will magically keep me from harm, but I was able to believe in that throughout the most unsafe, unloved years of my life, and I'm very glad I had that experience.

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Stop and Smell the Roses
roina_arwen ══╣Stop and Smell the Roses╠══
Goodness, I'm glad the experience left you with good feelings about the universe and its power to protect you when you needed it most.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thank you!
mac_arthur_park ══╣╠══
I am speechless. What an amazing piece.
belenen ══╣writing╠══
oh wow, thank you!
xxmadsenxx ══╣╠══

Wow, you do have some unlucky feet!

belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
*grimaces and nods*
webgirluk ══╣pic#124969441╠══
It's interesting to read this childhood experience and your thoughts at the time compared to now surrounding the moment when you took the wrong step and injured yourself. I don't follow any singular deity keeping me safe, either but I'm glad to read of your experience at the time and how it helped you. It made for a magical moment you can look back on at the time you needed it.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thank you! it was an experience that formed a very central part of my identity for a long time.
eternal_ot ══╣╠══
The experiences that shape us up as we grow. Good to know that there was something positive that you remember fondly :)
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thank you
bleodswean ══╣╠══
It's a very rare and very important thing when we remember a childhood memory that added dimension and shape to our journey! This was an amazing entry and I loved every word of it!
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thank you so much!
alycewilson ══╣╠══
So telling of you, that you concede the various reasons for that internal voice and choose to believe in the divine. That is faith, after all.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
hm, I didn't think of it that way but I see what you mean!
dee_aar2 ══╣╠══
If only all of us could do what you just did .... take out something positive from every life experience and learn our lesson so well.
belenen ══╣writing╠══
wow, what a compliment! thank you!
dmousey ══╣╠══
Ahhh, the voice that warns. I understand the need of a child to believe something is watching out for them.

Sorry to hear there were times in your childhood where you didn't feel safe and secure. I can relate to that.

Thank you for this write! hHugs and peace~~~
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thank you!
n3m3sis43 ══╣╠══
I find moments like this, where the universe or your inner self speaks to you, so fascinating. Thank you for sharing this. :)
belenen ══╣intrigued╠══
I also find them fascinating! I would love to hear everyone's experiences like this.
bewize ══╣╠══
Wow! I really loved this! What a great perspective. I understand it's changed since then, but I think it must have been a profoundly secure thought to have.
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thank you! It really was.
my_name_is_jenn ══╣╠══
My ankles are my unlucky parts. I've lost count the number of times they've been sprained.

It's fascinating when the universe (or whoever it is...) speaks out to you.
belenen ══╣writing╠══
oof, sprained ankles are awful! I've only done that once and I hope never again!

I agree *smiles*
rayaso ══╣╠══
Ouch! I would hate to be your feet. I enjoyed the stories about your poor feet, but I really liked how the broken bottle accident made you feel, and how you view it now.
belenen ══╣writing╠══
haha! I would not like to be my feet either *smiles* thanks for the comment!
halfshellvenus ══╣╠══
I'm glad your sense, at the time, of that warning helped so much in those tough years.

Your accident-prone feet-- yikes, how scary. And all of those incidents must have hurt an awful lot. It makes me cringe just reading about them-- having the memories would be so much worse!
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thank you, me too!

Fortunately (in this instance) my memory is pretty terrible, so I can imagine the general gist of things but I can't remember the sensations at all.
murielle ══╣╠══
Beautifully written.

I have sprained my right ankle eight times. I know this because I have said it so many times. Though now I can only remember three of those eight times clearly. I can totally relate to your problem feet. (Smile)
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thank you!

Sorry to hear about your ankle -- I hope that eight is the final number on that!
murielle ══╣╠══
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.