Belenen (belenen) wrote,

my blue hour with Topaz: a month of clashing, a month apart, several months mending.

icon: "exuviate (photo of a dragonfly with shimmery green wings after its last metamorphosis, standing next to its previous exoskeleton)"

The blue hour is the period of transition between night and day, between day and night, where it becomes hard to tell if the sun is rising or setting. I had a few months of being in this state last year, with my relationship with Topaz (my long-term lover). We had gotten in a really terrible pattern and we spent a month trying to sort it out without suspending our connection, but we were well and truly stuck.

Finally we decided to take a month where we had very little communication and no one-on-one time; I knew that I would end it wanting to be with them still but I didn't know if they would, because they'd never experienced that situation before and had no way to predict. That was a long time of wondering if they were going to still want to be with me romantically. When we got to the end of it they concluded that they did want to be with me romantically but needed to not jump back in the deep end because we didn't want the old patterns back, so for the next few months we made sure not to see each other more than three times a week.

It took a while before it felt like our emotional intimacy was restored but when it was, it was clear that that was a new beginning for us. I feel like for me personally, I broke a pattern of gradually-increasing-caretaking-until-it-takes-over-my-life and I have felt safe from that since then. When it got out of balance I think we both felt that as a trap and because Topaz is passionately independent, they were willing to reject the thing that feels good in the moment for the sake of both of us retaining our sense of self. I've never felt safe from my own desire to give before and it's amazing. I think it was a greatly trust-building time for Topaz too because they hoped but had no proof that I would want to reconnect with them just as much, and now they have actual proof that I mean it when I say I want to be romantic and sexual with them as long as they do, but more importantly, I still want to be continuously-connected with them even if or when they don't want to be romantic or sexual with me any more.

During the break I wrote about how I have this fear of love being taken away if I ever am not there for someone when they want comfort or help. I think this experience, these months of twilight followed by a brilliant dawn, has healed a great deal of that fear.
Tags: topaz

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