November 2017
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my blue hour with Topaz: a month of clashing, a month apart, several months mending.


icon: "exuviate (photo of a dragonfly with shimmery green wings after its last metamorphosis, standing next to its previous exoskeleton)"

The blue hour is the period of transition between night and day, between day and night, where it becomes hard to tell if the sun is rising or setting. I had a few months of being in this state last year, with my relationship with Topaz (my long-term lover). We had gotten in a really terrible pattern and we spent a month trying to sort it out without suspending our connection, but we were well and truly stuck.

Finally we decided to take a month where we had very little communication and no one-on-one time; I knew that I would end it wanting to be with them still but I didn't know if they would, because they'd never experienced that situation before and had no way to predict. That was a long time of wondering if they were going to still want to be with me romantically. When we got to the end of it they concluded that they did want to be with me romantically but needed to not jump back in the deep end because we didn't want the old patterns back, so for the next few months we made sure not to see each other more than three times a week.

It took a while before it felt like our emotional intimacy was restored but when it was, it was clear that that was a new beginning for us. I feel like for me personally, I broke a pattern of gradually-increasing-caretaking-until-it-takes-over-my-life and I have felt safe from that since then. When it got out of balance I think we both felt that as a trap and because Topaz is passionately independent, they were willing to reject the thing that feels good in the moment for the sake of both of us retaining our sense of self. I've never felt safe from my own desire to give before and it's amazing. I think it was a greatly trust-building time for Topaz too because they hoped but had no proof that I would want to reconnect with them just as much, and now they have actual proof that I mean it when I say I want to be romantic and sexual with them as long as they do, but more importantly, I still want to be continuously-connected with them even if or when they don't want to be romantic or sexual with me any more.

During the break I wrote about how I have this fear of love being taken away if I ever am not there for someone when they want comfort or help. I think this experience, these months of twilight followed by a brilliant dawn, has healed a great deal of that fear.

connecting:

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Comments
shadowwolf13 ══╣╠══
<3
eternal_ot ══╣╠══
Glad that the outcome was positive and you both mutually reached to a wonderful agreement :)
ghostwriter ══╣pic#127014572╠══
I hope it will work out for you both. A woman I was sharing my life with and I tried again the past 6 months or so but found she was getting too sexual and it made me back away. I asked if she could focus on the friendship more but then she removed me from LJ and everything else. I guess for her there could be no friendship without all the other stuff. That made me wonder what the friendship was then if it could just be tossed away like that. Makes me feel like it was all just a game or someone using me.
feladrone ══╣╠══
I'm really glad it worked out so well for you. <3 Seems like you two have a fantastic relationship.
rayaso ══╣╠══
Breaks like that can be beneficial, and I'm glad yours worked out so well.
kiwi ══╣╠══
I'm glad the break worked out for you both. <3
alycewilson ══╣╠══
Sometimes backing up provides more clarity on such matters. It's wise that you took that opportunity.
halfshellvenus ══╣╠══
I'm glad that worked out so well for both of you, and that you were able to rebuild and have things be stronger rather than falling back into old habits that weren't working for you. It's really _hard_ for both people to avoid doing that in a relationship, so this was an especially good result.
roina_arwen ══╣Accept the Love╠══
I'm glad you managed to work it out!
murielle ══╣╠══
Perhaps the fact that your time apart was structured helped you both to redefine your relationship to one that was more positive for both of you.

Happy for you that it worked out, and you've come to a greater understanding of yourselves and each other.
mamas_minion ══╣╠══
I am happy things worked out for the both of you. wishing you luck on your future endeavors together.
ragnarok_08 ══╣YGO ★ tame the hardships╠══
That's great that you managed to work it out :)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.