Belenen (belenen) wrote,


It still cuts that I've never been chased. It's just one of those things people don't do with me.

Every relationship I've ever had existed -- at least in the beginning -- because I never ceased to chase, to reach out. If I stopped chasing, the relationship stopped existing. And mostly I don't mind; I'm an active and determined person and initiating isn't that difficult for me anymore (since I have done it so much out of sheer desperation). But when I stop to think how many people I have lost the second I stopped trying, and how many people didn't lose me despite not trying... Do people even like me? Or am I just good at making myself into a habit, an addiction, that people feel the need for because of what I give, how I make them feel.

I know that I'm too scared to ever stop near the beginning, before the sunk cost is on my side. I know that I'm too scared to be passive and see if they pick up the slack. I know that some people have loved me deeply but if a gap developed that I did not bridge, it stayed, and grew, until love me as they might, they couldn't reach me nor I them.

I know this is likely not fact, but it feels like no one has ever fallen for me like I fall for others. "I fell for many, none fell for me." Hungry for every word, every movement, every creation, every emotion. I love with an incessant inner howling like a tornado in my chest, a seeking seeing pulsing power. It gusts and drifts sometimes, swirls quietly for a moment before shrieking a wild demand for release, expression in touch, in sound, in words, in acts, in presence. I can only calm it by sending in another wind against its spin, cancelling its force for long enough that I can shift its course. Without my cautious curation, it's back in motion before I even realize. I don't know that other people even like being loved like this, but it's just how I work. I don't think I am capable of a quiet, tame, calm love.

I hope most people don't have cyclones inside them. Otherwise, it's just that I don't evoke them for others. And that may be because their wind is being stolen or lost when they meet me, and there is not enough left to form such a whirlwind, but that is hard for me to grasp because even when I have not enough energy for basic functioning, I do this. It takes no noticable energy from me.

And it could be, I guess, that other people have cyclones they don't express, or that they tone down to gentle wisps. That just feels ridiculous though. To not express would take such massive effort, at least for me. I'd be constantly worn out.

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