November 2017
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un-chased


It still cuts that I've never been chased. It's just one of those things people don't do with me.

Every relationship I've ever had existed -- at least in the beginning -- because I never ceased to chase, to reach out. If I stopped chasing, the relationship stopped existing. And mostly I don't mind; I'm an active and determined person and initiating isn't that difficult for me anymore (since I have done it so much out of sheer desperation). But when I stop to think how many people I have lost the second I stopped trying, and how many people didn't lose me despite not trying... Do people even like me? Or am I just good at making myself into a habit, an addiction, that people feel the need for because of what I give, how I make them feel.

I know that I'm too scared to ever stop near the beginning, before the sunk cost is on my side. I know that I'm too scared to be passive and see if they pick up the slack. I know that some people have loved me deeply but if a gap developed that I did not bridge, it stayed, and grew, until love me as they might, they couldn't reach me nor I them.

I know this is likely not fact, but it feels like no one has ever fallen for me like I fall for others. "I fell for many, none fell for me." Hungry for every word, every movement, every creation, every emotion. I love with an incessant inner howling like a tornado in my chest, a seeking seeing pulsing power. It gusts and drifts sometimes, swirls quietly for a moment before shrieking a wild demand for release, expression in touch, in sound, in words, in acts, in presence. I can only calm it by sending in another wind against its spin, cancelling its force for long enough that I can shift its course. Without my cautious curation, it's back in motion before I even realize. I don't know that other people even like being loved like this, but it's just how I work. I don't think I am capable of a quiet, tame, calm love.

I hope most people don't have cyclones inside them. Otherwise, it's just that I don't evoke them for others. And that may be because their wind is being stolen or lost when they meet me, and there is not enough left to form such a whirlwind, but that is hard for me to grasp because even when I have not enough energy for basic functioning, I do this. It takes no noticable energy from me.

And it could be, I guess, that other people have cyclones they don't express, or that they tone down to gentle wisps. That just feels ridiculous though. To not express would take such massive effort, at least for me. I'd be constantly worn out.


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Comments
daphnep ══╣pic#4655554╠══

This sounds terribly sad. And it sounds a bit like the familiar self-talk of depression. Is it possible that people generally fall for you in "gentle wisps" which are still manifestations of reaching for you, just not in the cyclonic fashion you know more comfortably? I like your phrasing it that way--it opens the door to realms of other possibilities potentially overlooked.

wantedonvoyage ══╣Lokie╠══
And it could be, I guess, that other people have cyclones they don't express, or that they tone down to gentle wisps. That just feels ridiculous though. To not express would take such massive effort, at least for me. I'd be constantly worn out.

This reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite songs. Dar Williams' "Iowa"

Way back where I come from, we never mean to bother
We don't like to make our passions other people's concern
So we walk in the world of safe people
And at night, we go into our houses and burn"


I used to be more like you, and I guess I got burnt or disappointed too many times. Now I'm more like the person in the song.

ragnarok_08 ══╣Original ★ on the other side╠══
I know that feeling all too well - it takes a lot of energy from me as well.
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
So, I tend to like to choose who to be interested in, and I tend not to like to be particularly receptive to other people who might choose to be interested in me. Because, if I felt they were right for me, I would more than likely already have felt they were right for me, before they expressed interest . . . the fact of them expressing interest in me isn't generally likely to significantly change my estimation of whether they're right for me.

This outlook on life has sometimes led me to waste significant amounts of time chasing after people who weren't interested in me. And when it has instead led to an actual relationship, this hasn't tended to involve anyone "chasing" me, simply because . . . well, they never really get the chance! If I'm interested, I clearly indicate that right away.

And to the people I'm not interested in, I think I also tend to give off pretty clear signals that I don't feel compatible with them, such that no one has ever made the mistake of "chasing" me when I was clearly uninterested.

Couldn't it be that a similar thing applies to you? Maybe you just give very clear signals about whether you're interested or not, so people you're not interested in know better than to try to chase you, and people you are interested in know right away that you're interested, so they don't really have to "chase" you.

I think some people's personality types are just much more inclined to doing the chasing, while other people's personality types are much more inclined to being chased. A lot of the people I've dated are very much the "Wait for someone else to express interest first, and then reciprocate" type. My boyfriend is 35 years old and has only ever had a romantic interest in maybe threeish people in his life, because if people haven't seemed romantically interested in him, he just hasn't seen any point in developing any interest in them either. And that approach seems to have worked out all right for him, since of his threeish crushes ever, he went on dates with two of them and ended up in long-term relationships with both of those two and has spent very, very little of his adult life single. I couldn't live that way myself, but it seems to work for him.

I also think, though, that those of us who do the chasing are generally the ones who are more confident about ourselves. We're willing to risk rejection to try to form a relationship with whoever we think is the most wonderfully perfect-for-us person we know. Whereas the more passive people, the ones who wait to be chased, are willing to limit their choices to just those who make some degree of first move.
esvoljtab ══╣dratini╠══
I feel like I resonate with what queerbychoice has said here. I have almost always been the person to express interest in someone else. I wouldn't say I've ever "chased" anyone because that's just not how I operate... but I have, historically, been the one to bring up romantic feelings. Even though they all already felt that way too, they were the "wait until someone else says something" types.

For what it's worth, I have always been deeply drawn to you (and not because of how you might make me feel!) but have refrained from attempting deeper connection because I suspect my needs would leave you feeling unhappy. I can't know that for sure, of course, but have chosen to respect you by not saying anything about it. I say it now because I want you to know, you are amazing, and very much worth being "chased!"

ETA: I realized it may have been unclear to whom I was speaking because of replying to a comment, but I am speaking to belenen. Just making sure to clarify!
esvoljtab ══╣aurora╠══
Oh, also, belenen, if you want to talk about this at all, we absolutely can! (Sometimes I focus so much on phrasing things in a way that's low-to-no pressure, that I sound disinterested in talking, hah.)
marchioness ══╣╠══
This resonates with me.
libraspirit2101 ══╣╠══
I'm the polar opposite when it comes to doing the chasing and being chased. I tried chasing briefly in seventh grade, only to self-invoke heartache and strife.

Additionally, if someone totally smothers me, I tend to get intimidated with it since I find it overwhelming.
omnia_mutantur ══╣╠══
I
I sometimes unfunnily joke "I like my people like I like my coffee, emotionally damaged by others".

My relationship with my husband started one night when he drunk-texted me after his first wife walked, and while we're good now, there were so many times I should have left, should have stopped chasing him. And now, he's in a delightful new relationship and I'm finding this an extremely hard part of poly, to see him twitterpated with her in a way that I've never felt applied to me, by him or others.
zimtkeks ══╣╠══
I know the feeling. And I think it's true what they say: "We accept the love we think we deserve." I mean, people will treat you the way you let them treat you, and they don't really get a chance of chasing you if you will do it all the time. But it takes so much inner balance and strength to re-learn these things.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.