I started writing this a month ago, with the line "I haven't done this in a while because thinking about it is depressing." still true, but I'm pushing myself because I need it.
[Evelyn is not in my life now]
Evelyn is not in my life now
Evelyn disappeared from my life in early April, after about a month of our only contact being them telling me how unhappy they were and me telling them to fuckin do something about it (in much gentler phrasing, most of the time). When I told them that I wasn't going to initiate any more for a while, they just dropped me (not like they were holding me before that). I still think about them like every other day and I'm still missing them and mourning. When I first started writing this post a month ago, I realized I was angry with them and so I sent an email telling them so. They responded defensively and told me everything was still unbearably awful.
I became angry because I realized that they told me to my face, while holding me in their arms, that they weren't going to vanish and I believed them, and then they vanished anyway. I held off my reaction for over a month in case they were just being slow to respond but they just ceased all communication with me. It appears to me that it doesn't really matter to them that they're abandoning me. How can it not matter? How do I just not register as a person who is affected by their actions? I know they know how in it I was. There's no way they could have genuinely thought it wouldn't hurt me for them to cut contact with me.
For that last month when things were kinda terrible but we were still in contact, I asked for reassurance (that they were actually into me) maybe three times, and they kept getting offended. Which would make me wonder if I was being unreasonable but looking back I can tell that it was not at all unreasonable considering that they didn't show or tell me so! And considering that I asked so few times! I would ask, and they would reply with some vague evasion. I would press for a real answer, and they would get defensive, as if they had given me a real answer but I was asking again anyway. It's fucked up how much they were demanding that I take on faith. If you tell me you're really into me, I will believe you. If you don't tell me and you don't show me, except for when we are literally less than a foot apart, then no, I can't believe you. Would you be able to, if the situations were reversed? Fuck no! It's hard enough for you to believe me with my plentiful effusive expressions of love!
(written a month ago: So yeah, not over it. So ready to be over it. Angry with myself for not being over it. Still crawling-on-sandpaper raw about it. Still crying-if-I-think-too-much-about-it yearning about it. If I could just believe it will never happen I'd be in such better shape. But the most I can do is give up on it happening soon, and I haven't even managed that yet.) Now I am feeling somewhat better. I'm starting to be able to look at it as "in the past" and that helps. I'm reflecting on the things I learned about myself, and crystallizing my yearnings for future possibilities with other people.
[Kylei and Sunny are back in a small way]
Kylei and Sunny are back in a small way
I'm slightly, vaguely back in contact with Kylei and Sunny. Kylei and I had a good set of conversations about the whole mess last year and I feel like we might be able to have a friendship sometime this year. We've had some sweet text and email conversations. Sunny said they don't have the energy to build, which is okay with me because I don't really have the energy to build long distance either, right now. We're just not un-friends. Which is it's own kind of relief because once I am invested I always want to maintain a connection even if it is thin and tenuous.
[getting slightly better about planning time with friends lately]
getting slightly better about planning time with friends lately
I met a new person for coffee the other day and we had a really great time, but then they sort of vanished. They seem to be doing a million things at once so I understand, but am disappointed. I really wanted to grow with them and I felt like we could. I feel a lot of resonance with them in many aspects. Alas, whenever I feel a click with someone they are unavailable. I kinda think I'm cursed.
(Written a month ago: I haven't spent much time with Serenity or Allison lately because when I'm not working I mostly want to be alone since work takes so much out of me. I want to have hung out with them but the effort of planning it is too much. Same for all social. Even with Topaz we mostly watch Netflix lately. ) That's still mostly true, though I'm hopefully going to be more capable of social soon. I'm making a goal of one friend-date a week so that when I fail half the time I don't end up going a month between times. I did manage to go out with one friend this week after work and we went to an activist meetup -- something I have been trying to do for over a year and not managing to motivate for. They seem to be interested in the same sorts of gathers so hopefully we can be activity buddies.
[I feel safe in feeling loved by Topaz]
I feel safe in feeling loved by Topaz
As far as my relationship with Topaz, I'm amazed, because this is the first relationship I've ever had that doesn't have any unhealthy patterns. The last one we had, we broke last year. I would say that since about last October or November, we've had no pattern-issues. We've had situational stuff of course like everyone, but no lasting patterns of imbalance much less mistreatment. We've worked through all the negative shit we picked up from previous relationships -- I inwardly marvel about it at least once a week.
There was always something, with previous partners, something small that hurt me regularly but that I had already tried to address so many times that I gave up and just endured it. Something like they never initiated giving me pets but often requested them, or they would never touch me in public, or they would never notice and respond when I was sad but they'd get upset with me if I didn't read them accurately and respond with care-taking, or they never complimented me, or they never told me how much I mattered to them, or they never expressed appreciation for my generosity or my self-hood, or they never expressed curiosity about my life or my thoughts. I don't feel neglected, taken for granted, unimportant, unloved, or un-valued by Topaz, ever, anymore. Even when I feel really shitty and un-valued by everyone else. I did not think this was humanly possible; that someone could love me so well that I could actually feel safe in it.
[connecting w Hannah and Donovan]
connecting w Hannah and Donovan
I've been talking more with Hannah lately which makes me happy but also nervous. I don't want to start counting on it because I feel like every time I do that, something happens and we stop being in contact. Not a fight or anything like that, just a crisis that distracts or makes it too difficult to keep up with each other over the distance. Similarly, Donovan came to visit recently and we had a lovely day together but that just made me sad about how I miss them and they're not here and we can't ever stay connected over distance.