May 2019
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change in work schedule / maybe no change in living situation; experimenting w investing here

icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

I've recently changed my work schedule to hopefully have more time to rest and write in a day. I find it immensely difficult to switch contexts, to the point that when I am out I never really want to go home and when I am home I don't want to go out. When I am working I don't want to stop and this makes it very difficult to stop to eat, and sometimes I will endure an aching bladder for hours rather than go to the bathroom, because I just hate context-switching so much. I can't explain it and I can't control it.

So a 30 minute lunch was really a terrible idea for me, considering that it is a definite interruption but not enough time to do anything that involves focus. And each day of the week going to work takes more energy than the last. My Friday afternoons I could hardly talk, even to Topaz. So I have front-loaded my week so that I work longer days monday and tuesday, then shorter days the rest of the week, with an hour lunch each day.

I am writing on my lunch break at work right now.  I haven't yet adjusted to the difference in traffic so today was the first time I managed to be actually here before my start time. But if I can push myself to be very strict about leaving on time, this will be the best. I am in sort of a writing mindset when I am at work so I think I can use my lunch to read or write on lj, and 5 hours a week is way better than the zero hours that I was doing for weeks. I know you are probably sick of hearing all my good intentions followed by weeks of silence, but here I am trying again.

I've been thinking a lot about my living situation lately. I was trying to find a new place which was pretty much impossible with my parameters, and even if I found something that fit them, I would have no extra at all. And the main reason I wanted to move (besides hating my neighbors who harass me) was because I thought people might make more of an effort to be my friend if I live in a 'cool' place. But there is no reason to think that's true. Maybe everyone just uses the distance as an excuse. And the few friends who regularly make an effort don't live in the 'cool' places anyway.

I'm now leaning towards staying here until Kanika dies of old age or I am able to buy a house, whichever happens first. I'm guessing 5 years, because it will take at least 2 to even gather a down payment. I don't want to move Kanika more than one more time, because she loves it here and I would hate to take her from happy and free to forever cooped up in a tiny apartment or worse, bedroom.

So as a sort of experiment, I am going to invest in this house again. I had been really avoidant of everything about it because I kept thinking I was gonna leave in a month. I just bought myself a set of wire cubes and cloth baskets to help me make my closet usable, and just finally cleared out a MASSIVE hoard of recycling (with my friend Sande's help). I'm gonna see if I can make it feel like a home.

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wantedonvoyage ══╣╠══
30-minute lunches suck. it's not enough time to go anywhere so you basically have to shove food in at your desk or sit in your car.

The kind of people who will change how they treat you based on what you have are probably not gonna make great friends, anyway.
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
I had always preferred 30 minute lunches, but that was because I always had jobs that were so awful I was counting down the seconds until I could leave, and the breakrooms were always terrible stinky cramped closets with no light. I actually enjoy being here and there are at least 5 different beautiful spaces I can use on my lunch, most of them very quiet. it is a world of difference!
ragnarok_08 ══╣╠══
Great to hear from you again!
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
thanks friend!
Calvin reality continues to ruin my life
miss_ljv ══╣Calvin reality continues to ruin my life╠══
I am the same way - I am shit at transitions. I struggle with going to the bathroom when I'm in the middle of an activity (or sleeping, or watching something) even though I have UTI issues, daily I spend 30 minutes up to an hour and a half just sitting in my car scrolling on my phone when I get home even when I really want to be inside, etc.

I totally get where you're coming from and it sucks! I'm glad you're working on building things into your schedule - that's how I figured out how to actually EAT my lunch instead of just bringing it to work and not having time to do so.
Gene Kelly
cactus_rs ══╣Gene Kelly╠══
I know you are probably sick of hearing all my good intentions followed by weeks of silence

Nah, it's just good to know that you're still around and doing okay! I was just thinking "Hm, I haven't seen belenen post in a while, I wonder how they are." :) I was also thinking about sending a postcard but didn't know what the status was with you moving, but if you're staying put for at least a while that's good to know.
sabr ══╣╠══
Oh dear one, this really tugs on my heart strings so much. You are such a fiercely passionate person! You throw yourself entirely into everything you do, and you don't stop until you reach a suitable end-point, and its a wonderful thing about you; but don't let it burn down the candle from both ends, so to speak.

I didn't know that you wanted to move because you thought you needed to live in a 'cool' place to be accepted; anyone who wants to hang out with you more because of your socially accepted living space probably isn't someone you really want to be close with anyway. To me, a 'cool' place is somewhere that perfectly fits the needs of the person I love who lives there. If that can be this place for now, then I think you owe it to yourself to invest wholly in your habitat.

Also, I don't want to give unsolicited advice, but having bought my own place with no downpayment and coaching my best friend to buying her own place with no downpayment, I would love to offer you encouragement. Im here if you want it.

Holding you in love and light, always!
webgirluk ══╣pic#124969441╠══
That's great you have adjusted your hours at work to suit your needs better and lovely how you'll be able to keep up with LJ during your lunch break.

Good luck with making your house a home :-)
kiwi ══╣╠══
I remember that one of the things I hated most about leaving our first apartment was that we had to move Mimi (who was elderly by then and loved our old apartment). I very much respect and understand the desire to not uproot Kanika.

Thinking of you.
rotating ══╣╠══
Best of luck with efforts at making the house feel more homey. I agree very much that it's so heartening of you to take Kanika's feelings into consideration, but of course you are always so thoughtful. I hope you'll find your groove with work hours too. It's so hard to carve out time for yourself. Setting boundaries like leaving on time is a great idea.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.