September 2019
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30

my self-labels, part 1: trans, agender, neurodivergent, fat (and proud) demisexual, queer

icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

This got so long I had to turn it into multiple posts. I have split it into what I think of as the 5 parts of a person: body, mind, soul, heart, spirit. This post is about the body and mind parts.

External labels which affect my daily life (body):
[white, non-disabled, woman-read, cisgender passing, young-passing]

white, non-disabled, woman-read, cisgender passing, young-passing.

These are not self-labels but they are part of my identity because I am seen this way and treated this way. In the case of whiteness, non-disabled-ness, and cis-passing, this gives me countless advantages and it is my responsibility to question and dismantle those advantages, and to share the resources that come to me through them. In the case of being read as a woman, this is usually negative, except in cases where my whiteness combines with it to act as a protection.

In the case of appearing young, this can have a negative effect of people being inclined not to take me seriously, but my forceful speech patterns usually disrupt that. It can also have a positive effect of people thinking of me as a desirable person, which I only realize when I lose that effect because people learn my real age and suddenly distance themselves and do not pursue friendship or romance with me. That's depressing, through at the same time I don't mind because I'd rather they out themselves as ageist before I invest.

Differences from compulsory identity (mind):
trans, agender, neurodivergent, fat (and proud) demisexual, queer. These are ways that I exist which average people react to with embarrassment and many people react with punishment. It is not acceptable to be these things and people feel the need to avoid or ignore them if they're trying to be polite, or scold and convert me if they don't care about polite. The overwhelming message I get about these parts of my self is that they are shameful and abnormal. My identity is not a fart and it is not polite to ignore it. It's mean. If you are scared of saying the wrong thing, do your homework! there is enough on the internet to easily avoid the worst mistakes.



I identify as trans because I reject the gender I was assigned at birth. I am "on the other side" after having claimed my genderfree identity. I used to worry that I didn't "count" because I didn't want surgery, but now I know that's some binary bullshit. I know that I would have rejected gender sooner and more forcefully if I had been assigned male, cause that is associated with toxic masculinity and I want even less to do with that than with the fluffy meaninglessness that is toxic femininity. I have ejected the gender binary from my identity and that makes me trans. I am trans no matter what body I'm in. I do feel some dysphoria but that is not a necessary part of being trans.

[agender/genderfree ]


I do not have a gender. This means I am not okay with you assuming anything gender-related based on the way I dress, look, sound, or act. Nothing about me is masculine or feminine, ever, and nothing about me is ever "presenting" a gender. Use gender-neutral pronouns when referencing me.



I have ADHD, CAPD, profound memory issues, prosopagnosia, aphantasia, social anxiety, intermittent depression / seasonally-affective depression, and sensory sensitivity. I think differently than most people, I live with cognitive and emotional variances, and I experience speech, sound, and touch very differently than most people. in-depth explanation of my neurodivergence

[fat & proud]

fat & proud

This is a very important part of my identity, because I'm not just okay with my body -- I celebrate it. I will fight for my right to be fat. I identify with my fatness and even when I was small, I thought of myself as a fat person because I have always had a pokey belly. I was mocked and harrassed for my fatness starting when I was a preteen and lasting until after high school, when I began growing in size again.

I spent several years coming to love the various aspects of my body and now, honestly I would not trade this plush comfy body for a slender one if you paid me. Hugging me is amazing, because I'm so soft and supple. I fuckin love my sweet smushy curves. I can sometimes see people react to my unselfconscious easy fatness by becoming more comfortable in their own fatness, and I love that!

[demisexual & erotic mirror]

demisexual & erotic mirror

I am demisexual: I don't experience sexual attraction unless I choose to, and I don't choose to unless I am already in a romantic relationship and the other person has told me that they would like to have sex with me. More explanation: How sexual attraction works in me as a demisexual person & why what makes sex worth the effort as a demisexual person / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing. I am also an erotic mirror: I do not have intrinsic desire for any role in sex. I also do not experience romantic attraction unless I choose to but I can fall in love in a non-romantic way.



These are all somewhat true as long as you assume the modern definition of bisexual which is "attracted to my own gender and to other genders" or in my case "attracted to genderfree people as well as gendered people." I am demisexual but the way I have sex is 100% queered, and I don't consider myself less queer than someone who is allosexual (allosexual means not-at-all-asexual). For me, sexual identity is more about how one makes sexual decisions than it is about who one has sex with. A binary cis man & woman who have sex where penetration is never assumed or centered is more queer to me than a binary cis pair of women who always assign leader/follower roles in their sex and assume if there is no penetration then it is "just foreplay." (gross)

back to top

lostincandyrain ══╣╠══
Your use of trans with the agender label is interesting to me, and not something I've ever experienced before. I like it.

I've always kind of struggled with the trans label, not because I don't believe that people should be able to choose/define their own gender, but because it so often seems so deeply rooted in binary gender roles. Like when Caitlin Jenner said something about knowing she was a woman because she liked painting her nails. Gender and nail painting do not have anything to do with each other. You can be a man and still paint your nails. And I know that Caitlin Jenner is not a great example, but she is an extreme one of something that seemed to me to be kind of an underlying theme about your gender somehow defining what was acceptable for you to do, and the solution to that being to change genders, when it seemed like a much better solution would be to change the way we define and experience gender... People having to change genders to live the way they want to seemed to me like it kind of cemented gender roles the way they are, and I struggle a lot with that... But your definition of trans just meaning you reject the box you were put in because of the parts you have (whether you then follow up by changing those parts or not)... That makes a lot more sense to me.

Thank you for sharing this.
brittdreams ══╣╠══
Your demisexual musings are fascinating to me. I think I might be dating someone that's demisexual so that probably explains my current fascination with reading about such things. Thanks for a great post!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.